Crowded in my own mind

The Crowds In My Mind  

by Patricia A. Pitterle

Time does not stand still.

My thoughts crowd with images

Of things past and 

Things to come.

My imagination takes flight

In worry and frustration.

I am exhausted 

And overwhelmed

With yesterday’s to-do list

And today’s need-to get done list.

Everything demands my time

And attention.

Mind racing from one thing

To the next

And round and round again.

Never quite arriving 

at the destination

That I planned on.

Dirty dishes, 

Unswept floors,

Laundry in piles 

Clear ‘till next week

I fight the crowds of "should have's"

inside my brain.

The ones that tell me 

I will never be 

more than this.

I will never be good enough.

I will never become 

Who I should be.

A waking child, 

Her eyes heavy with slumber, 

stumbles into the room 

and pulls herself 

into my lap.

“Grammy, I need to hold you”

I don't need to fight 

the noise anymore.

The crowds will wait 

until another time.

I sweep her tightly

into my arms.

For a moment,

I am exactly 

what I am made to be.

I am a heart to love,

arms to hold

and songs straight from heaven.

To her, I am enough.

She is loved, she is safe,

And we go over the edge,

Blissfully wrapped up together,

Into the oblivion

Of sleep.

Light and Dark

"Every moment of light and dark 

is a miracle."  

Walt Disney

What a blessing to find that little gem of a quote for me this week.  It has been a very 'dark' feeling type of week.  I got sick, which I don't do often and it has made the weeker tougher than it needed to be.  But, if I think about this for a moment, I honestly don't get sick like this more than once every five years or so.  I am blessed with mostly good health.  Yes I deal with some things, yes they are hard, yes, every once in a while I complain about them, but overall, I am healthy and strong.  The hardest thing for me this week was to miss out on my daily walks.  I miss the companionship of other women who walk with me.  I miss talking to them and being with them.  I miss the time I spend every morning learning that I am really not alone. 
The light  in my life is the moments that I spend with friends and family.  The memories and the love that I take with me into my day.  The dark is the harder times.  I have learned that for every single dark moment in life, the Lord gives me light.  I receive a blessing that lightens the burden and helps to bear my grief. 
And with Alma, I want to cry,

"And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me".  Alma 36:27

Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!  The light and dark are both miracles to me!

Who gets the credit?

"It is amazing what you can accomplish 

if you do not care who gets the credit".  

Harry Truman

The quality of writing speaks for itself.  Some books go down for generations.  They are enjoyed time and time again.  In these days of quick rewards, some people like to take credit for themselves for the writing accomplishments of others.   (This is called perjury, by the way). 
Children learn to write their names at the top of every paper.  They are rewarded with a grade for their accomplishments.  Their papers are posted on a board on parents night where everyone can see who wrote it.  The papers are admired and hopefully remembered. 
I am learning that a great poem or story or even blog article should speak for itself.  What an honor it is, as a writer, to have someone want to use your article or poem in something they write.  What a wonderful feeling it is when they seek me out and ask to use my poems or my thoughts in their own writings or talks.
When they speak, I might not get the credit, because they are the ones speaking, but my works are remembered through their love and enjoyment of my writing.
I think the words we write should speak for themselves.  They should be remembered because of the gift they are to others.   Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we should all be guilty of perjury.  I am just saying that we should not worry quite so much about getting the credit each and every time.
I want my poems to have my name, but I also want them to be loved and enjoyed and learned from.  I want credit for my writing, but I don't mind at all sharing it with another person who is speaking.  I think if we know who said something, we should mention them, but we also should share often those things from others that strengthen our testimonies and lighten our burdens.
For me, those good things can be songs, poems, stories or even a simple blog post.  For me, it is amazing that there are so many people out there who have the same thoughts that I have and we each express them in slightly different ways.  And sometimes, together we work miracles, and the credit all goes to HIM, and I am so grateful to be a small part of it.

We Need a Miracle

Many years ago, my daughter Emily was performing in her first Road Show.  Now, for anyone who does not know or remember what a Road Show is, it is a play that is put on by the wards in the church.  The youth are the ones who perform it, and the leaders usually write the script.  It can be a lot of fun for the youth, and a lot of work for everyone else!  Don't get me wrong, I have directed a couple of them and they were amazing!  Still, this was Emily's chance and she was really excited about it.
This particular play was the story about the pioneers and the trial of the grasshoppers or 'Mormon crickets' as they were sometimes called.  This play dipicted one of the most dramatic and famous moments in early Mormon pioneer history.  The plague of crickets occurred in 1848 when the pioneers were getting ready to harvest their first crops in the Salt Lake Valley.  The crickets came out of the sky by the thousands and devoured field after field of needed food.  The settlers fought the ravenous insects by every possible means. Then, when it appeared that all was lost, in answer to a prayer, a white cloud of seagulls flew in and devoured the crickets. This miracle was told in the journals as well as through verbal accounts that were later written down.  Many pioneers observed it and remembered it and told their children and grand children. It became a faith-promoting tale that was often retold and appropriately called, the miracle of the gulls.
Emily had a small part in the play.  She played a pioneer woman who was devastated by the loss and was a witness to the miracle. 
At the time of this play, I was pregnant with a child.  There were 12 years between Emily and this baby.  We did not know what we were going to name the baby and it was a very time consuming process to think up the name.  We could not agree on anything.  Finally, I started suggesting unusual names.  We teased each other and the kids on different names and finally decided on a name for a girl that was different and expressed how we felt.  And surprisingly, we both loved it.  We let the older siblings know the name we decided on and put up with a little bit of disgruntlement over the name. Not surprising, everyone in our family had an opinion, and were not afraid to let us have it!
Emily wanted a baby sister in the worst way.  She asked at every doctor appointment.  She wanted to know the sex of the baby.  She really wanted a sister and was quite adamant that the baby had to be a girl.  At the same time Emily got her first line in the show, we let her know the name of the baby if it was a girl. 
Emily's one line in the entire show was:  "We need a miracle!" 
She was supposed to say this in total seriousness and despair.  She could not even begin to manage that.  You see, the name we had decided on for a girl baby was Miracle.  Every time Emily said her line she would start laughing.  The directors finally had her cover her face with her hands and say the line as if she were sobbing into her hands.  Hopefully her laughter would sound like tears and all would be well.
The play was amazing.  Emily came over to the chairs in the front where I sat in all my discomforts and leaned over to whisper, "we need a Miracle, mom".  
The day finally came when that small baby was born.  As the nurse took the baby from the doctor, she wrapped and swaddled her, laid her on my stomach and said, "She's a Miracle".  There were many tears of joy that day as we witnessed one of Heavenly Fathers most common and yet still amazing miracles.  I never cease to marvel about the miracle of life.  Each child who has been born has been a total miracle to me.
Emily was so happy!  Miracle became, in the way of siblings, partly Emily's new baby.  The entire family used to joke, when Miracle was a little girl, that she had FIVE mothers.  Four significantly older sisters and her mom.  She never lacked for attention and love.  Her cries were always silenced quickly, and she knew that she was truly, a Miracle. 

Everyone one of us have seen and experienced miracles in our own lives.  There are things that happen that have no other explanation than the knowledge that a miracle occurred.   Miracles come to all of us, if we will only look and acknowledge them for what they truly are.  Just like the pioneers, we have the opportunity to write about miracles in our journals.  We have the opportunity to share the stories with our families.  These written and verbal records can be handed down to our children as testimonies that the Lord lives, loves us, and is mindful of each one of us, His children.  We might not always talk about those most precious things to strangers, but they are there to teach us and uplift us. 
What are the miracles that you have in your life?  What has happened to you or others that you have seen and witnessed and that bears testimony to you of your Heavenly Father's love?
My challenge to you today is to share one miracle with your children.  Teach them to see your Heavenly Father through your eyes.

Sharing Testimony

I was reading in one of my many books about testimonies.  One of the things that was brought up was that you need to bear your testimony often so that it grows.  It is also the responsibility of parents to teach their children to bear testimony.  I have been feeling like a complete failure as a mom in that particular area.
Most of our children are grown now, but we still have three little girls at home.  None of them like to stand up in church and bear their testimonies, even though they will do it at home.  I have one daughter that will not talk in church.  She will sing in front of hundreds of people.  She will even do solo's and has been doing them since she was three.  But do not ask her to speak to those same people.  It makes her cry!

Sometimes, it seems as if home is the place that we want people to just accept us how we are. We want them to forgive us, we want them to appreciate us, we want them to love us. We want them to see our potential instead of our reality.  As a mom, it is so easy to see all my shortcomings at home!  I have so many things I want my family to know and understand.  I have so many things I want to share with them.  Have you ever felt as though no one was listening?  

The wonderful thing that I have learned about a true testimony is that it is reflected not just in words, but also in deeds.  I have come to appreciate the deeds that show me how much they value their testimonies.  

My sweet daughter, Miracle, may never have born her testimony before, but she has sang it so many times.  She has blessed us with her talent and her music and helped bring the spirit more fully into a meeting.  My Mikayla, asks questions, finds answers, and loves to read the scriptures.  It is our morning habit, and all of them participate and talk about the stories that they are learning.  Kayla always directs us on where we are and what we need to read.  She is so giving to others and has a tender heart.  Anya is always happy and cheerful and teaches me what a good attitude can do to bring the spirit into our everyday life.   She is the one who can make me smile even on the worst of days.  

They may not bear their testimonies as often as the other children in our ward, but they each live that testimony through their actions.   I am in awe of their strong and valiant spirits.  

So, I had been praying about what to do and how to reach these wonderful little girls.  I had been praying for guidance on how to teach them of the importance of this great principle and how to encourage them to do something that they were so afraid of.  I have been praying to know that what I am doing is right and that they are learning what they need to know.  Without asking them or prompting them in any way, all three of the girls got up in Sacrament meeting and bore their testimonies.  It brought me to tears!  Their testimonies were so sweet and I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to my Heavenly Father that He would prompt them to do this when I was questioning my own abilities.
Isn't it amazing that He really does care for each one of us individually, He cares enough to answer such a simple prayer in such a way that there could be no mistaking it.  He knows exactly what we need most and when we need it.

"The relationship between testimony and appropriate action is emphasized in the Savior's instruction to the Saints in Kirtland: 'That which the Spirit testifies unto you even so I would that ye should do' (D&C 46:7). Our testimony of gospel truth should be reflected both in our words and in our deeds. And our testimonies are proclaimed and lived most powerfully in our own homes. Spouses, parents, and children should strive to overcome any hesitancy, reluctance, or embarrassment about bearing testimony. We should both create and look for opportunities to bear testimony of gospel truths—and live them."
David A. Bednar, "More Diligent and Concerned at Home," Ensign, Nov. 2009

May you find that spark of courage today that you need in order to share your testimony, in some way, with others.

Are you listening?

We had the most amazing young women stake meeting last night!  My daughter is 13 now, and a beehive in the young women's program of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  We had a new beginnings meeting at the stake center for the girls and their parents.  Miracle and I went after Choir practice.   The meeting progressed as usual.  There were a couple of really beautiful solo's and there were several girls that each talked about personal progress and the values and the program.  Everything was going along fine, (i.e. normal meeting) until President Whipple stood to talk.  He is a counselor in the Stake Presidency.  He started to talk about something and then changed his talk.  He talked about the Stake young women's president.  It was a story that touched my heart.  So I wanted to share it with you.  I hope it gives you the same feeling of love and peace that it gave to me.  Heavenly Father really is speaking to you.  It is just a question of if you are listening.
In the ward that this sister lives in, the bishop has been very ill.  He has the advanced stages of kidney failure and could have died at anytime for the past year or so.  To make it even worse, he has one of the rarer types of blood and so there are not many matches for him to get a transplant.  He has been on the transplant list for awhile and was physically getting much worse.  So, the ward had a special fast for him.  As this young women's president participated in the fast, she was given a very strong impression that she was supposed to be the donor.
She fasted and prayed some more, she still felt the same way and no other donor had been found.  She was given the assurance that if she was willing, she would be a perfect match for her bishop.  The spirit bore witness to her that it was not his time to leave the earth yet and he still had more to do, but he needed her in order to be able to complete his mission.
She went and had the preliminary testing and was found to be a match.  The process to give a kidney to someone who is not a relative is quite long.  It took several months, and she said that the spirit of the devil worked on her the entire time to try and encourage her to change her mind.  But whenever she prayed, she was given the same assurance that it was the right thing to do.
Finally, four weeks ago, she went into surgery and gave her kidney to the Bishop of her ward.  He is doing so much better physically at this time.  She was at the meeting for all the young women and their parents.  After President Whipple spoke, she got up and bore her testimony of the love of our Father in Heaven and of the divine answer to prayer that she was privilaged to be a part of.  She talked about how, if you let Him, He will answer your prayers.  He does listen.  He is there.
I saw her speak, I heard her testimony, but I felt even more than that.  I saw an amazing woman who had the faith required to do her Heavenly Father's will.  I saw a daughter of God who saw a need, heard the answer to many prayers and was willing to walk the hard road and follow that inspiration and see it through.  Sometimes, Heavenly Father asks us to do hard things, but He is there for us if we will only trust Him.  So, where is your faith today?  If He asked you to do something hard, would you be ready and willing to do it? 

Ether 12:4, 6, 10-16

• 4 Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.
  
  
• 6 And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

• 10 Behold it was by faith that they of old were called after the holy order of God.
• 11 Wherefore, by faith was the law of Moses given. But in the gift of his Son hath God prepared a more excellent way; and it is by faith that it hath been fulfilled.
• 12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith.
• 13 Behold, it was the faith of Alma and Amulek that caused the prison to tumble to the earth.
• 14 Behold, it was the faith of Nephi and Lehi that wrought the change upon the Lamanites, that they were baptized with fire and with the Holy Ghost.
• 15 Behold, it was the faith of Ammon and his brethren which wrought so great a miracle among the Lamanites.
• 16 Yea, and even all they who wrought miracles wrought them by faith, even those who were before Christ and also those who were after.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Could you possibly be the miracle that someone else is waiting for?  Only you will ever know.  Hear Him, trust Him, Love Him and serve Him.  May we stand strong and tall in the faith of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and may we not be moved by the stormy seas that beacon around us. And most of all, may we all be like this wonderful Young Women's President.  This is my prayer tonight.