Let the Roots Stretch

Seems to me, like there has been a lot of wind in my life!  I don't always feel like I have stood as firm as I might wish.  Sometimes, I am pretty sure that I have wavered and bent and maybe even broke a few branches.  It is true though, that we will all have to face difficulties and trials.  Life is hard.  It is full of pitfalls, sin and choices.  I have learned though, that we never face a heartache of a lesson where there is not also a reward.  It might come soon, or it might come later, but it always comes. 
This year, I am learning how not to yield to all the winds that blow me from one side to the other.  I am learning how to stand tall and bend in the wind.  I am learning to let my roots sink deep within the soil of His love and resist the temptation to yield. 
I am learning to let my soul seek Him. 

Rock Bottom

I have hit rock bottom a couple of times in my life.  Actually, I have hit it a few more times that a couple.  I have thought each time that it couldn't possibly get any worse.  I have been wrong. 

Rock bottom seems to be the point where I can't possible stand any more pain, right this second.  

I remember being a child and one of the neighborhood kids told me the circus was coming that afternoon.  I wanted to go so bad!  I cried when my mother made me take a nap.  When I woke up, I raced outside, to have the same child tell me that I missed the only circus to come to our playground.  I was devastated.  I just knew that I was never going to see a real circus again.  Of course, I did not know that the child was teasing me.  I only knew that, because of my nap, the much looked for circus, was gone. 

As I grew, I had someone I thought was a friend.  She was kind to me to my face, but talked about me behind my back.  She gossiped and told others that I said things I did not say.  She made sure that I didn't have any other friends.  It hurt me so much when I found out that she was never really my friend.     

There are so many instances in my life when I really thought I had hit rock bottom.  And I suppose that I did at that time.  Each time, prepared me for even more difficult times to come.   If I had only known then a portion of the things I know now. 

My point is, there is always farther we can fall.  There are always worse things that can happen to us.  Perhaps the most important thing of all is to feel gratitude for what we do have. To remember that we are blessed.  To know that we are loved.  Because, in spite of all the moments where we think we have hit rock bottom, there are also the times when we have risen up and shown what we are made of and whose we really are.  There are those times, in each of our lives, when rock bottom is definitely the solid foundation for the rest of our lives. 

It is not a stop sign

This is one of my biggest difficulties.  I think that problems are something I am supposed to stop.  I think there is something inside of me that tells me when I am having  problems, I am not loveable.  They become more like punishments rather than stepping stones to another life.   

Somehow, I have been looking at the problems as a sign that I am not good enough.  There is a small part of me that believes that I deserve the troubles that I am faced with.  I am realizing that I am asking the wrong questions.  I am asking "why me?" instead of  "why not me?"

What makes me different from everyone else?  We all have our share of trouble in this life.   When we are in the midst of our battles, it is easy to get caught up in how difficult they are.  We all have heartbreak, we all have messiness, we all have life changing events.  We all have trials that nearly overwhelm us.  We are all faced with things that are hard to bear. 

My trials are not better or worse than yours.  But they are different.  They are hard for me right here and right now.  And you don't know what it is that I have gone through, am going through or will go through in my life. 

But He does.

 

He does not allow us to experience problems to stop us, but rather to change us.  He doesn't cause our problems, but He does allow us to make our own choices.  He allows those around us to make their choices too.  I have gained strength and compassion with the problems I have encountered in my life.  I cannot say that I am grateful for them, but I am grateful for the overcoming of them.  I am grateful for the person that I have become.  I am grateful for the life changes that I have made with His guidance.  I am working on changing the way I look at my own problems. 

If I look at them as guidelines, what are they leading me toward or away from?  What do I need to learn, or what can I learn from the situation?  Often, I can't change the problems, but I can change the way I am viewing them.  I can change how I perceive them.  I can change myself. 

  

The Other Serenity Prayer

I like this one.  I do a lot of beating on myself nearly everyday.  I think I can mask, most of the time, what is going on inside, but I struggle every single day.  I try and be pretty open about depression and anxiety.  I have suffered from those for most of my life.  It started when I was very young and got so much worse over time.  It can be so hard to talk about in today's world, although I do think it is getting better (or maybe it doesn't bother me so much what others are thinking!) 

I love that there are so many resources available for help today.  Much more than I had in the beginning.  I love that, as hard as it can be, there are those who actually try and understand.  It wasn't long ago, that I was criticized for professing to be religious, but still suffering from depression.  Like somehow those two things can never go together.

I am not perfect.  I have come to the conclusion that I might never be.  I can't do it all by myself, and I was never meant to.  It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes the love of God to help each and every one of us.  I believe that He loves me, and in ways that I can't possibly understand, that will someday be enough.

I think that depression is the thorn in my side that I am trying daily to overcome.  I have been blessed to be surrounded with people who love me.  Who are there for me when I have bad days and good ones, because this disease is about both.  Every single day is not bad, neither is it good.  It just is a day, with weakness and strengths and the overcoming of hard times. 

I am working on doing better.  Some days, it is all I can do to get dressed.  Some days I stay in bed.  Most days I work and function like a normal person.  This is my normal.  Sometimes I escape to have a good cry, then I pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and walk forward. 

I know that God loves each and every one of us, even me.  He knows how hard this journey is for us.  He knows our strengths and our weaknesses.  He knows when we are lonely.  He knows when we feel broken.

He is the great healer.  He will bind our wounds and hold us close as we make the journey home.  We are never alone.  He has walked the way before us.   He will walk it with us.  He loves us in all our pleading and breaking and tears.  His heart always, always reaches to embrace us. 

He knows your name.

He knows your journey.

He knows you.

He Knows All

I am learning that He knows everything about me.  It is not Him that doesn't accept me, it is that I don't accept myself.  No matter how much I forgive others, I have a really difficult time forgiving myself.  Sometimes I feel like it is all my fault. 
Today, I really needed someone.  I haven't been feeling good, I was very emotional, my heart was aching.  I miss seeing people that I love and taking blame for something that I didn't even do.  Heavenly Father knew how much I needed to know that He remembered me. 
I made a blanket for one of my grandsons and he received it in the mail today.  His mom video taped him opening the box and being so excited about getting a blanket from Grammy.  That short and sweet video was just what I needed to remind me that I am loved.  That I am enough just as I am.  I can't control anything that people want to believe, I can only go forward and do the best I can do. 
He made the stars and the moon above, but He also made my heart.  He filled it with love and with caring.  I think the reason that it hurts so much is because I really do care.  I really do want to make a difference.  I really do want those who I don't get to see to know how much I love them.  I want them to know that they mean the world to me. 
Heavenly Father knows my name, and He also knows theirs.  He know what we each need.  Somehow, what I am missing now is just a short moment in the eternity of things.  It doesn't always seem that way, but I know it is true.  Time can seem like it lasts forever, but it is really very fleeting and somehow things will all be made right in the end. 
He knows my heart and my story and my name. 
That is enough. 

Saved From Lions

This is my new favorite quote.  I use it to remind myself that, no matter what I am going through or how bad life seems, the Lord still loves me.  We all have trials.  That doesn't mean that He isn't aware of us any more.  It doesn't mean that there is not something else in store. 

I have been to way too many Lion's dens in my life.  Times when I thought there was no way out.  Times when I was sure that I was unlovable and forgotten.  There was danger all around, but even though He didn't rescue me from the Lion's den, he did rescue me from the lions. 

I have learned that life is full of trials.  There are times when I really am not sure if I am going to make it from day to day.  I see "the lions" and  I don't realize yet that the Lord has "shut the lions mouths".  I can't see beyond the darkness of the den.  I know that danger is near.  I am afraid.  I am filled with sorrow.  I love the story of Daniel, but my favorite part is that the king went and fasted in his chamber.  He could not sleep because he was so worried about Daniel inside the Lions Den.  I love that an angel of the Lord came and closed the mouths of the lions so that they could not hurt Daniel.

In my life, I have found living angels as well as spiritual ones.  Those who are there for me in my moments of darkness.  Those who keep the lions from destroying me.  Those who reach out their hands and their hearts in my hour of need.  Those who fast and pray for my protection.  Those who truly teach me of His love and mercy.  Because, although He saves me from the Lions, he does not save me from having to enter the Lions den. 

Love all over again

 

Some days, I really struggle not to be angry, not to hate.  I really have learned in my life that hate is not the answer.  It only poisons the inside of me.  The other person obviously doesn't care whether I hate them or not.  The only person that it matters to is me. 

I believe that we don't have to "win" the race.  All we are supposed to do is to finish it, in honor and dignity, in testimony and worthiness.  We are not racing against each other in this life.  As a matter of fact, I think if we are not at least trying to help each other along the way, it will be much harder to finish. 

We forgive, not for the person who has caused us wrong, but for ourselves.  We forgive so that we are not consumed with the hate and the getting even and the revenge.  We forgive to let go and move on.  Heavenly Father knew how hard it would be.  We all have so many blessing to live for and be thankful for.  Being truly free is letting go and moving on and finding others to love us. 

Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to pretend it never happened.  Forgiving can absolutely be protecting your self and not putting yourself in the situations again. 

I have learned that forgiving for me is when I no longer feel angry toward the person involved.  It is when I can look at them and be sorry for their actions.  It is knowing that there are consequences for everything and believing that I don't have the power to cause the consequences.  It is trusting in God's justice and also His great mercy.  It is believing that He truly knows our hearts and that He knows our lives and our weaknesses. 

I think that I can put justice in His hands and allow Him to take care of it.  For me, that will be enough. 

 

Giving up

Giving up your goal

because of one setback,

is like slashing the other three tires

because of one flat.

 

Have you ever felt like giving up?  I have.  I have wanted to crawl into bed and stay there.  I have wanted to never move again.  I have wanted to avoid all people and all situations that make me uncomfortable.  I suspect I can be rather like and ostrich and wish that I could hide my head in the sand and just not have to deal with it all. 

I am learning to do the hard things in life.  I am learning not to give up completely, no matter what kind of curves live throws.  I am learning that not all people are good.  Some of them are pretty bad.  Some are so willing to hurt others and to make false accusations and to spread lies and gossip in their wake. 

Even those people deserve forgiveness.  Not for themselves mind you, but because I can not participate in the hate and anger.  It affects me way too much and hurts my spirit. 

As I seek to become more Christ-like in all my dealings with my fellow men, I find myself more willing to forgive.  Trusting might be a little harder, but the forgiveness takes the burden off of me and places it squarely back on the person who is responsible. 

I think that too often, we are willing to give something up because it is hard.  It is easier to give in and let go, than to fight to keep it.  I am trying to remember that just because one of the tires in my life is flat, does not mean they all are.  It just means that I have one setback, one moment of tragedy, one short time of grief.  It means that I can still move on and I can still survive.  

I am trying to learn to trust He who has promised me that all will be well.  I am seeing that miracle come to past.  It might not ever happen in my time, but it does happen in His.      

 

Faith is learning to be OK

Oh yes, today this one is for me.  I struggle with this.  Once, quite a few years ago, I was struggling in my personal life, and someone at work asked me how I could profess to have faith, and then still be depressed and filled with anxiety.  Of course, that statement rather ruined my day, but later on, caused me to look really hard at faith in general, and especially my own faith. 

I do have faith, often times, lots of it.  But sometimes, it seems as if I struggle to exercise that faith when things go wrong.  I have a hard time putting aside worry, and a harder time putting aside the hurt.  I can look back at things and really be okay with the way they turned out.  To the point that I can accept those times in my life as the things that have helped to make me who I am today.  But when I am in the midst of trials, I have a much harder time maintaining the faith that everything will work out for the best, no matter what that might be. 

I have decided that it doesn't matter what others think about my faith.  As hard as it is, faith is personal, between me and my Savior.  What those around me perceive is not nearly as important.  I also know that I am blessed, often in unmentionable ways.  I know that my Savior lives, that He loves me and that He knows me personally.  He knows my name and my heart. 

I also know that I am not perfect.  But I do strive to get a little better each day.  I am truly working on having the faith to be okay no matter how things turn out in my life.  There is good and bad for each one of us.  Sometimes the most difficult parts of the journey are the ones that bring us the greatest lessons to learn, and eventually, even great joy.  So, although I can't always say that I am okay right this minute, if you give me a little time to think about it, I will, in time, admit to being okay with the way things have turned out.

Maybe, before the end of this crazy life I am living, I will reach the point where I can shrug it off, and move on.  I don't know everything, but I do know enough to keep in going in the direction that I am moving in.  I know that I am a daughter of God.  I know enough to believe.  I know enough to hold fast.  I know enough to desire to become. 

Strength

Your strength

isn't just about how much 

you can handle

before you break;

It's also about 

how much you must handle

after you've broken.

I know that it has been a long time since I have written here.  There has been a lot going on in my life.  I am learning that life has a way of knocking us down when we least expect it.  I am learning that it is OK to be broken.  It is OK to not be able to handle everything by myself.  It is even OK to break down every once in a while and take time off from things I love.  

I always thought I was strong.  Heaven only knows that I have had so many challenges in my life.  But this past few years has shown me how very difficult life can be.  I keep having to face the same things that I faced as a child in different ways.  The things that I already thought I had handled and dealt with have come back in surprisingly, new ways.  It has really been difficult to figure out exactly what I am supposed to learn (again) from all of this.  

I still don't know.  I don't know what I have control of anymore.  I am trying to learn to just let it go.  I am trying to understand that I don't have to do it alone.  That I am not strong enough to do it on my own.  I am learning that God does often, give us more than we can handle, but he never gives us more than HE can handle.  In my brokenness, I am learning to lean just a little more on Him and a lot less on me.  Maybe that is the message that I needed.

I am also learning that we are all broken in some way.  Not a single one of us are perfect.  We go to church, not because we are better than anyone else, but because we know we are broken and we need Him to help us find our way.  He gave us the wonderful gift of the atonement so that we would be able to come home to Him, none of us, not a single one, could do that on our own.  

In my study, I am learning that the atonement covers so much more than our sins.  It also covers our grief, our despair, our depression, our anxiety, our pain.  He suffered for each of us individually.  He really knows my name.  He knows exactly who I am and what I need most, even if it is not clear to me.  

In my weakness, I am learning more about His Holiness, His forgiveness, and especially His great love.

Becoming Like Him - Day 5 - Stuck

For my 31 days of writing, I am linking up over at Heading Home and over at the Nester. There are several of us that are taking the 31 day writing challenge. Kate has suggested that we spend 31 days of Five minute writing. You can use the prompts or write about anything you would like, you just need to write.

I am sharing my journey for 31 days as I strive to become more like Him. My prayer is that you can find hope and peace in my words.

Everyday is a new beginning

Take a deep breath

And start again.

Todays prompt is:  STUCK

START

I have found that it is easy to feel stuck. Stuck in a job, stuck in a life, stuck in depression, stuck in chores, and housework, and just trying to do too many things. Sometimes, I get stuck because of someone else, sometimes it is my own fault. But it always seems to happen at the very worst time. It always seems to happen when I need to be somewhere important, or when my family needs me, or even when I need a little time to myself.

I have learned that it is not if I get stuck, it is simply when, and what I do about it when it happens.  

Take yesterday, I ended up working all day, on a Saturday, when it should have been my day off.  Funny thing was, I had a feeling in the morning and got up and drove an hour to the office that I am watching out for right now.  I was planning on doing stock counts and only working a couple of hours until they were completed.  Instead, I had a clerk go to the hospital and have to have surgery, I needed to try and find someone to come help, and I stayed all day just trying to get things done.  It was a crazy and exhausting day.

I was stuck at work and I really could have been grouchy about it.  It was conference and I wanted to listen.  Instead, I laughed.  I called my clerk and told her not to worry about the office, just get well.  We will be fine.  I called other Post Masters to try and get some help in for Monday.  I did not get my counts done.  But you know what, I took a deep breath and remembered that tomorrow is a new day and we will survive.  

I am learning that getting stuck usually means figuring out how to get unstuck.  It requires more work and effort.  It requires prayer to receive the help I need to fix things.  I have learned that the Lord rarely fixes something for me that I haven't tried to fix myself first.  He rarely gets me unstuck without a little sweat and effort from myself.  I love a quote from Conference:

"When our wagon gets stuck in the mud, God is much more likely to assist the man who gets out to push than the man who merely raises his voice in prayer—no matter how eloquent the oration. President Thomas S. Monson put it this way: “It is not enough to want to make the effort and to say we’ll make the effort. … It’s in the doing, not just the thinking, that we accomplish our goals. If we constantly put our goals off, we will never see them fulfilled.”

The Lord is there for me, but He wants me to try and help myself too.  He wants me to learn from the experience of being stuck.  

STOP

The Argument

You don't have to attend

Every argument

You are invited to.

It really does take at least two people to argue.  Or, in our family, more like six.  Not too long ago, I had an argument with one of my adult children.  It doesn't happen very often.  I love them so much, and I think that most of the time, I am willing to forgo the argument for the relationship.  But every once in awhile, my world is rocked by something that is said.  

Interestingly enough, for all the times that my children have seen and been around depression, they don't handle it well when it is me that is depressed.  Somehow it is easy to get caught up in the "how could you say that" and the "how could you even think that".  They have been through a lot in their lives and I realize that they don't want to see their mother struggle inside a black place.  However, I really felt at the time that I had heard enough.  It was hurtful to me.  Not because I misunderstood, but because it threw me back into the chaos of the past.  

Sometimes I think that the past will never let me escape it's dark clutches.  I feel like I have to keep paying the price for sins that were not my own.  It is bad enough when you make mistakes as a parent, but when someone else makes them for you, well, let's just say that you never quite get over the guilt and anguish for not fixing it.  

My one strong ability is to love those around me, no matter what they have done.  I genuinely care for each one of my children, no matter their age or their choices.  That does not mean that it doesn't hurt.  That does not mean that I don't feel.  It does mean, that I need to be loving enough not to attend the argument.  Something for me to work on next time.  

Memoir Monday - Depression

So, it is Monday again and I am hosting a link up about your memoirs.  Today, I made it simple.  I would love to have you contribute and post your own Monday Memoir.  You can make it as long or as short as you want to.  Today the prompt is:

Describe one of your greatest life challenges

I have had many challenges in my life.  Some, I overcome with grace and perseverance, some, well, not so much.  I think the one that has been the hardest one for me is depression.  It is so much like the cloudy night sky in the picture that I took above.  The light is far away and hard to reach.  It is hard to see in the darkness too.  I focus so much on what is right in front of me, that I can't possibly see the bigger picture that I know is there.  

I have fought the battle with depression most of my life.  It started in my childhood and just kept getting worse.  I did not seek treatment until I was about 25 years old.  Mostly, I did not know what was the matter with me.  I was always sad, but never knew why.  I grew up being down and not smiling.  My parents always called me "Sad Sack".  It was not meant as a compliment.  

In our life, emotional difficulties were not allowed.  It was just a part of growing up and you needed to deal with it.  I don't want to talk about the possible reasons for my depression, or about the times that I really wanted to hurt myself.  Though they were always there.  

I do want to say that I am now in my 50's and I still fight with it.  I have been on medication off and on since my 20's.  Usually for about five years and then off for about three years and then back on again when I start recognizing the symptoms.  

I would always prefer to be off meds, but as I get older, that becomes harder and harder to manage.  My darkest depressions are always preceded by something that happens to myself or my family.  They are not something that comes out of the blue.  I can usually identify the incidents that started the cycle.  

Depression is not something you can tell yourself not to feel.  It is not something that goes away because you wish it would.  It is not something that has been healed by prayer in my own live, although not because I don't try.  Depression is like a dark hole that you cannot avoid, no matter how hard you try.   

Right now, I am struggling again.  I am on meds.  I take them without fail and they do help.  But when things happen, I dwell on the misery and can't seem to let it go.  I can't seem to put even the little things aside.  I am surrounded by the things I don't want to remember.  

Yet, even this challenge has taught me a lot.  I have family members who suffer from other forms of mental illness.  I have friends who also suffer.  I have a great compassion for those who suffer in these times.  It is not an easy illness.  

I heard a speaker once talk about how, in America, it is perfectly acceptable to be sick from the neck down.  But our bodies are made with organs.  The heart, the liver, the pancreas are all organs.  When your heart is sick, you develop symptoms of heart disease.  When your liver is sick, you develop liver disease.  When your pancreas is sick, you develop diabetes.  Your brain is also an organ.  It gets disease too and that disease gives you symptoms of mental illness.  Because there are so many different areas of the brain, there are also many different types of mental illness.  

I like that definition.  It reminds me that depression is not a choice.  It is not something that I picked for myself.  Being sad, is not something that I wake up and decide every day.  There is so much more to it than that.  

Depression is an illness that I am working on overcoming.  I might not make it in this life, but I know that I will be healed in the next.  And for now, that is enough.  I can live this, one breath at a time, one moment at a time, on step at a time, until the day when my challenge is over.  Until then, I will keep on enduring and keep on trying and keep on hoping for a change.  

Wordless Wednesday - Off To The Rescue

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

The Long Way Around

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!

I went hiking with all the girls in girls camp this year, It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  As we did this hike, all around the fingers of the lake and back and forth looking for something, anything that resembled a trail, I couldn't help by compare it to my own life. It seems to me as if there have been plenty of times when I just had to take the long way around.  I knew the road to travel, but for whatever reason known only to my crazy brain, I just had to try it my own way.  

I know that I have learned from those experiences.  I know that I have even become better because of most of them.  But often, I have had to question why the learning seems to be so much harder for me that it ought to be.  What is it that tempts me along the paths of the hard road?

I have learned that we all go through those "long way around" times in our lives.  The closer that I am able to be to my Heavenly Father, the easier the road is to find.  Many tears later, I wonder why I would not listen in the first place.  

It would be easy to blame those times on my life, on the things that happened to me to put me in that place, but that is also not the whole truth of it.  At some point, in each of our lives, we get to choose.  We get to make choices in spite of (or maybe even because of) our pasts.  We get to get out our own compass and map and find the right trail.  

I have learned that my past does not have to define my future.  I can change.  I can choose.  I can become.  We all get to do hard things.  The question is, are you making excuses, or are you making a trail?  It really is completely up to you.  

An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. So when life is dragging you back with difficulties. It means that its going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming.

And remember, you really can do it! 

Building Faith

If the blessings were immediate,

Choosing the right,

Would not build faith.  

This was my daughter last summer learning to boulder.  I can't tell you how many times she fell in the pool.  It was trail and error all evening.  But she tried.  The goal was to climb out of the water and, using her hands and feet, make it over to the other side.  It was so much harder than she thought it would be.  It looked easy, but it really wasn't.  She did not give up, and she actually made it pretty far before the evening was over.   

Now, she believed when she started that it was an easy task.  The blessing of making it to the other side would be immediate.  She wanted to show us that she was strong enough to do something that was that "easy".  She found out that what appeared easy was not easy at all.  The blessing that she was looking for was not to be found.  Yet, she found the tenacity to keep trying.  She had to struggle to get out of the water.  She had to use strength she did not know that she had in order to move fingertip by fingertip across the rock.  

She might not have succeeded quite the way she imagined, but she learned that she could try hard things.  She learned not to give up.  I love that she had the faith in herself to try.

One of my very favorite scriptures comes from the Book of Mormon.  I love it because it reminds me that faith is not knowledge.  It is hope and belief.  It is being willing to do our best even when it is hard.  It is being willing to keep trying even when we fail.  The blessings come after the trials and often in ways we never imagined.  

Ether 12:6   And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.

Failure by Default

I love this quote!!  There is just something wonderful about Harry Potter and his world.  He teaches us that there is really evil in the world, but also that people you think are bad, can change.  He teaches us that he world is not always what you see.  That there is so much hidden from muggle view. 

It is impossible to live without failing something, yet I face my life trying to never fail at anything.  Failure makes me feel like a "loser".  Failure is not something I want or desire.  Yet, it happens one time after another. 

No matter how hard I try, I fail at something each and every day.  Maybe that is why I love this quote so much.  It reminds me that no matter how good we are, we will all experience failure.  Failure is how we learn.  It is how we progress.  It is how we move on.

Take for example, one of my sons.  He was an amazing athlete.  He could play any sport.  His favorite was football and he played from the time that he was seven years old and could go into Pop Warner.  Not only did he play, but he learned to do it very well.  So well, that he was able to go to college with a scholarship.   Football was good to him.  But not good enough.  His dream was always to play for the NFL.  He never got to do that.  

Once, when he was very young, he played little league.  He quickly became good at that too.  He was the only one on his team that could hit a ball thrown 90 miles per hour.  In 8th grade, one of the coaches wanted him to go out for baseball.  He even said that they would teach him everything he needed to know.  He thought that my son had what it would take to become a great catcher.  But my son would not play.  He wasn't as good at that game.  He hadn't played all his life to do baseball.  His dream was football and he wanted to chase his dream.

He never tried baseball because he wouldn't have been the best at it.  

Sometimes we are all a little like my son.  We don't want to try new things.  We don't want to risk failing and looking bad to our peers or our friends.  We are taught that failure should not be an option.  

But I believe that failure is simply a way that we learn.  We keep trying until we get it right, or until we don't want to try anymore.  Everything in my life, I learned by failing.  When you skate, you fall, a lot.  When you drive, you speed or stop or can make the gears go in right and they grind.  When you learn to run, you come in last, you keep trying and increasing your speed and pushing your limits.  And you get better.  

So, live and fail and live some more.  This life is amazing.  There are places to go and things to see and wonderful experiences.  Don't be afraid of a little failure along with all the possibilities of success.  My greatest lessons in life have come when I have failed at something.  And perhaps that is what really living is all about. 
President Monson has told each of us that we are runners in the race of life.

“Comforting is the fact that there are many runners,” he said. “Reassuring is the knowledge that our Eternal Scorekeeper is understanding. Challenging is the truth that each must run. But you and I do not run alone. That vast audience of family, friends, and leaders will cheer our courage, will applaud our determination as we rise from our stumblings and pursue our goal. ... Let us shed any thought of failure. ... Let us seek; let us obtain the prize prepared for all, even exaltation in the celestial kingdom of God” (“Happiness—The Universal Quest,” Ensign, Oct. 1993).

Strengthen Our Faith

"We live in a time of turmoil.  Earthquakes and tsunamis wreak devastation, governments collapse, economic stresses are severe, the family is under attack, and divorce rates are rising.  We have great cause for concern.  But we do not need to let our fears displace our faith.  We can combat those fears by strengthening our faith".  Russell M. Nelson

We live in a time of turmoil.  That one rings home for me.  In my life, I have seen so many changes.  I grew up the daughter of divorced parents.  It was very rare then and I put up with a lot from the other kids who had two parents in their lives.  I have seen prejudice and tolerance.  I have seen hate and love.  I have seen some of the best and some of the worst in my life.  Everywhere I turn, things are happening that are hard to watch.  There are changes everywhere and some are good, but a great deal of them are bad.  There are a lot of negative consequences to the lifestyle that is all around us.  I have not lived a perfect life, as a matter of fact, I have made way too many mistakes.  I have made bad decisions as well as good ones.  I have looked around at what is happening and been afraid.  Afraid for myself, afraid for my children, afraid for those I love and care about.  I have felt helpless with the fear.  What a blessing it is to know that I have the power to combat my fears as I strengthen my faith.   I am learning that the closer I feel to my Heavenly Father, the more I am able to accept that He knows my needs.  The more I know that He will help me through the difficulties.  My fear is lessened as I learn to place my trust in Him.     

Pioneers of the Future

"Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, 

ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past 

or a pioneer of the future."

Habits can be some of the hardest things that we overcome.  They are our tight grip on things past.  Some habits are good.  We use them to become better each and every day, but other habits make us prisoners of our own pasts.  Whatever we do, it is always our choice.  Our choice to change or our choice to stay the same.  Remember, the pioneers chose change.  They left every thing they knew and braved the trials of the trail to start over and make a new life.  Some did not make it.  But their legacy lives on through their stories and their message.  It is a message of strength and hope and change.  We are all pioneers of today. The world is in turmoil and troubles.  There are disasters everywhere, often unexpected and severe.  Yet we go on.  We learn to lean on each other and to persevere.  We learn to trust God as well as His timing.  We learn that the past will fade away and the future will come.  We choose to be the pioneers of tomorrow.  

Trouble Ahead

"Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, 

the most comforting world of all, 

this too shall pass".  

Ann Landers

Trouble comes and goes in my life.  Indeed, I can pretty much say that it shadows me constantly.  As soon as I get one problem taken care of, two or three more pop up to say "hello".  I have a hard time accepting trouble as inevitable.  I really have been guilty of thinking if I was only a better person than I would not have so many trials.  If I only made better decisions or if I didn't make so many mistakes, everything would work out better.  

This is especially true when my problems involve my kids (grown or not).  This weekend, we had family time.  Many members of my family came up the mountain to have a wild and crazy time with their mom and grandma for my birthday.  I worry constantly about my children.  Especially when they make choices that can cause them harm.  It can be very hard for me to "stay out of their business".  Yet, they love me, even when I tease them unmercifully and try and get them to go back to church, they still love me.  We have had some amazing times together.  

I can honestly say that I would not go back and change anything.  Well, I would try and spend more time with them, but otherwise, the troubles are what brought us so very close together.  The years throwing papers and taking pictures.  All the traveling and stopping at, Every.  Single.  Monument.  Along the way.  

I might not like the problems, but I love the memories.  I know that the good times pass and so do the bad ones.  Sometimes I get so focused on the moment I am currently in,  that I forget that the moment will pass.  I forget that the bad things will also pass.  Time will go by and I will learn what I need to know.   Eternity beacons me onward.  It is comforting to know that the difficulties will pass away.  They will not last longer than I can bear.  Joy, yes joy, cometh in the morning.