Happiness is not a goal

 

This was a different way of looking at things for me.  When I think of being happy, I tend to think of it as something I will be in the future.  After the kids are grown, after the bills are paid, after this trial is over.  I don't usually look at it as something happening right this minute.  In ways I don't always understand, we are all chasing a dream.  We all want to be happy, and even more important, we all want to be happy right this minute.

This simple quote made me think for a moment.  What if happiness really isn't the goal?  What if it is supposed to be something that we all experience along the way.  There are times when I have been incredibly happy.  When I felt really good about what was going on in my life.  There have also been times when I have been caught up in depression and despair.  Times when happiness seems to be completely out of my reach, and when I am absolutely sure it will never come to pass. 

What makes the difference between those two extremes?  I would have to say that it is my own state of mind.  It is how I am experiencing the world around me right at this moment.  It is what I am focusing on, what I am hearing, who I am being.  The difference is within myself.  It is looking at whether the glass is half full, or half empty.  It is realizing that it is the same glass and it has water to drink just waiting for me to partake.

So, if happiness isn't the goal, what prevents me from being happy all the time?  What is stopping me from experiencing joy right now in my individual journey?   That is an answer I am pondering and studying.  It is the question that I really want to know.  With all the trials in my life, I am pretty sure that they are not over yet.  So, there is going to be more times of anxiety for me to go through.  I would really like to change the anxiety into at least a few times of happiness.  I would like happiness not to be something I am chasing, but something that is happening right now, inside myself. 

Perhaps it is a matter of realizing that happiness isn't the same thing as "fun".  Happiness isn't necessarily laughing and giggling throughout the day.  I believe that happiness is that calm, peaceful feeling you get when you know you are doing the right things for the right reasons.  Happiness for me, involves faith and trust.  It is in knowing that everything will work out just the way it is supposed to.  It is the peacefulness that I feel after a trial has passed and I have survived.  Happiness, is a state of being. 

 

 

The Quieter you Become

This one is for me today.  For those of you who know me, I am not very quiet at all.  I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to be a part of the world around me.  I like to always, always interact.  I think that I am afraid that if I am too quiet, I will miss something important, something big, something that I have never seen before.  Actually, I know in my mind, that it is probably better if I am quiet.   If I could stop and be calm, I just might observe more.  I might be able to be a part of the world around me. Instead of simply watching and wondering if I am good enough, I just might find out.   

There has been so much trauma in my life, so many times when I have been ignored and left alone.  More often, shunned or made fun of.   I just don't feel like I have the strength for that anymore.  For me, being quiet is a risk.  It is the risk that I might be overlooked.  It is the risk that I might be ignored.  It is a risk that I might become a shadow of my true self. 
Being quiet, is a learned ability for me.  It has been a chance of finding the joy in listening to someone else.  It also means not being so quick to defend myself before I know what is really being said, or even more important, what is really meant.  I somehow judge myself as not enough, no matter how hard I try.  It is easy to look back and think of what I should have done.  I get defensive because I really hate feeling like I have failed.  I am someone who probably over-analysis life.  I look hard at everything.  Believe me, if I have made a mistake, I have already been hard on myself for it.  I don't like being the reason why others don't participate or feel needed.
As I look and ponder on the above message, I feel the noise that surrounds me, the busyness of the day and night.  I feel my heart yearn for peace. 
Today, I want very much to just be still.......

Vulnerable

 

I love Ernest Hemingway. He has a way with words. And he also manages to make me feel like I have virtues instead of vices. I have been wounded so much in my life. I mean, really wounded. I have had physical problems, emotional ones, mental ones and even spiritual crisis in my life. I have felt vulnerable in so many aspects.

I used to wish to be an ostrich, who could hide my head in the sand and not notice what goes on around her.  I wanted desperately not to see the bad and the ugly in the world.  No matter how hard I tried, I always was forced to lift my eyes and see what I was surrounded by. 

Trust me, I haven't always liked it either.  There is so much ugliness in the world we live in.  So many things that threaten our salvation and our sanity.  So much wrong and so much evil.  But, being forced to see has also shown me that there are many things good about the world we live in.  There are amazing, loving people out there.  There are people who stop to help pull my car out of the snow.  There are people who pray for my children and grandchildren, even though they do not know them.  There are people who follow promptings and show up when we least expect them, but really need them the most. 

So, I take comfort is these words, and I know that, deep down, I really am good people.  I love beauty in all its forms.  I have courage and take risks for the ones that I love.  I believe in telling the truth and in doing the best that I can.  I also believe in the commandment to sacrifice.  I am not perfect.  I am so far from it that at times, I am very discouraged.  But I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  I may be vulnerable, but through Him, I will not be destroyed. 

Don't be impressed

This is one that we all need to be aware of.  It is easy to be impressed by what we perceive others have accomplished.  It is easy to look at the visible signs of success and wish that we had the same.  But those things that we can not see, are so much more important.  I know that when I am having problems myself, it is the simple things that bring me the greatest blessings.  The kindness of a stranger, the generosity of a friend, the integrity of someone who finds something I have lost, and last, but not least, the humility of those around us. 
Our world is impressed by all the wrong things.  We look at success as something that is physically tangible, instead of something within.  We use things to determine whether or not we are worth something.  We use money, status, toys, titles, business, even people to show that we have worth.  The thing is, worth is not determined by what you have.  It is determined more by what you do. 
Once, a long time ago, I had a job interview.  The interviewer asked me what I could bring to that office.  I told him of all the things that I have done in my career.  He replied, "I don't want to know what you have done in the past, I want to know what you will do for this office to improve it". 
I learned from that interview.  Our past really doesn't matter as much as we think.  Our current status really isn't important.  There are more important and pressing issues for each of us.  I prefer to think of it as: what can I do to change what is going on around me for the better.  What can I bring that is different and unique.  I have learned that kindness is always welcome, there is never enough integrity to get things done, humility goes so much farther that pride, and generosity brings some of my greatest joys. 
I hope that we all start to become impressed by the things that matter most, instead of the ones that really aren't that important.  Remember that you are truly better than you think you are. 

Leave the Past Behind

My past haunts me.  Some days even more than others.  I can't get the pictures out of my brain, no matter how hard I try.  The little girl that I used to be, still lives here inside of me.  There are days that I still feel her pain. 

I believe that life is hard.  I believe that Heaven weeps for our despairs.  I also have learned that, no matter how hard I try, the past is going to keep coming up in my present.  So, no matter how much I long to forget, I know it is not going to happen.  What I am seeking to do, is to learn from it and not make the same mistakes again, or go through those same experiences.  I am hoping that sharing bits and pieces of myself through my writing will help me to heal and let it go. 

I know that living for today brings joy.  When I am in the moment, I am happy, I am content.  When I think of the past, I am conflicted, I feel hopeless and helpless.  I can see why it is so important to learn to be in the present. 

The past is hopeless, we can't change it.  No matter what our dreams were, they are probably not our reality today.  When I live in the past, I find myself depressed and anxious.  I also find myself worrying more, agonizing over the smallest things, and believing that the very worst will happen.

The future isn't here yet.  It is ever changing and fluid.  Our thoughts and actions today will impact the tomorrow that we will see.  There is always hope in the future.  There is always the promise of becoming who we want to be, or even better, who we were meant to be. 

Jesus Christ Lives Again.  That is the promise of Easter.  The promise of hope.  The promise of becoming.  In my beliefs, I don't focus on His death, I focus on His life.  Both the life He lived and especially the fact that He lives again.  He provides the way to hope.  He is my light and my life.  Because of Him, I know that the past will be overcome.  I may not be there yet, but it will happen.  Because of Him I know that I am loved beyond measure and that the future is absolutely as bright as my faith. 

  

Sabbath Day Scribblings - Gratitude for Everything

"Thou Shalt

Thank 

The Lord 

Thy God

   In all things."  

D&C 59:7

It can be hard to be thankful for things that you don't think you want or need.  It can be hard to find the good under the winter snow of life.  But I have learned to rejoice in the seemingly endless days of winter.  One of my all time favorites quotes is simply, 
"The Bible often says, 'It came to pass,'
It never says, It came to stay!"
I love the early days of winter.  The first snow on the ground, the bite of cool in the air.  I love the whiteness and the simplicity of the time.  I also love having a fire in my fireplace.  But as the days go on, and the cold becomes deeper, I start to find myself wishing for spring to come.  I can't wait to see the growth start on the trees and in the ground.  I get antsy for the planting and the signs of new life.  So, at this time, I am trying to remember to Thank Him for everything.  Even snow in February.
 

Small Town Life

The nice part about living in a small town,

it that when you don't know what you are doing,

someone else always does.

 

This is so very true.  There seems to never be enough going on in a small town to stem the tide of gossip and innuendos.  It surrounds me on a daily, and even hourly basis.  However, I have to admit that most of the time, I don't mind the small town life.  

We moved here ten years ago from the large valley metro area.  It was a shocking change for all of us.  I had girls who were never allowed out of the back yard and then we moved to the wide open spaces of Northern Arizona.  We now have chickens and goats and dogs.  We have finally put a fence up on our property.  We garden and can and pretty much do as much as possible that is natural.  I have even learned to like Goat milk and that was a little interesting at first.  I milk her too.  All three of our goats have been bred this year and we should have baby goats in June.  I am not a fan of winter babies.  Summer is soooo much better for me!  

One thing I have learned about small town living is that there is always so very much to do!  So much so, that it is easy to get lost in the doing and be overly critical of all that doesn't get done.  I dwell way too much on the should haves, could haves, and would haves.  I need to remember to just stop and take a breath.  I need to quit worrying about the little things and focus on the ones that matter most. 

So, today, I want to share with you one of my favorite quotes to help remind you that you are enough just the way you are.

 

     "Sometimes, my dear sisters, you feel inadequate and ineffective because you can't do all that you feel you should.  Rather than continually dwelling on what still needs to be done, pause occasionally and reflect on all that you do and have done.  It is most significant. 

The good you have done, the kind words you have spoken, the love you have shown to others, can never be fully measured."  Thomas S. Monson

  

Becoming Angry

"Anger does not solve anything, 

it builds nothing. 

To be angry is to yield 

to the influence of Satan. 

No one can make us angry. 

It is our choice. 

If we desire to have a 

proper spirit with us at all times, 

we must choose to refrain 

from becoming angry. 

I testify that such is possible". 

Thomas S. Monson

I have had a lot of reasons to be angry this past year.  This really spoke to my heart and reminded me that anger is really a choice.  Not only that, but it only damages us on the inside.  I know that I don't like being angry.  I do not like the person that I become when I am angry.  I don't like the way I feel, or the way I behave.  Mostly, I don't like the way that I find even more ways to stay angry.  

I have never really been a stay angry kind of person until this past year.  I have always been the quick flash and it is over, type.  I explode all at once, and then it is finished and I go on.  Now, I find myself stewing in the juices of angry, like a very unhappy pot roast that has stewed so long it has lost its tenderness and become tough and nasty.  

I find myself in the position of needing to make different choices in my life.  I really am struggling with this one.  I don't think I have ever stayed angry for so long before.  So now, I find myself on my knees with a prayer in my heart for those who have done me wrong.  I find ways to remind myself that I am not perfect either, and that I never will be in this life.  

I am reminding myself that anger is a choice.  It is taking so much heart out of me and leaving me exhausted and overwhelmed.  

It is time to cast Satan out of my heart and welcome the love of the Savior back inside.  

I choose love.  I choose peace.  I choose joy.

Five Minute Friday - Gratitude for being noticed

Today is Five-Minute Friday, one of my favorite days of the entire week.  This is a time where a group of us join together and just write for five short minutes without worrying about whether it is just right or not.  Then we link back over at Heading Home with Kate and try and make a difference with our words.  Today the Prompt is:

NOTICE

START

What do you notice in the world around you?  Do you notice the ugliness, or the blessings?  Is the glass half full?  Or half empty?  Do people love you or hate you?  

We all want to be noticed.  We want to be remembered, to be appreciated and most of all, to be loved.  Being noticed is so much more than visibly seeing something.  It is to connect to it with you heart.  Being noticed is being understood, not for what you can do, but for yourself.  Being noticed is powerful.  It can take a bad day and make it change to a good one in the blink of an eye.  

For years, I have gone to my daughters track meets.  They have all run in track, and not a single one is very fast.  As a matter of fact, they usually cross the finish line in last place.  I got very good at being able to find those girls on a field covered with hundreds of other kids.  I also go very good at noticing when they beat their own scores.  

One of the things we have gone over is how track is a competition against yourself.  You don’t have to be the best.  You just need to work on getting better every week.  Some weeks were hard.  They would come in last and be so upset.  But gradually, they learned to notice other things: how they felt physically, if they lost weight, if they did better than the last time, how their friends did.  They learned that coming in first was not the only goal.  Sometimes the goal was simply to clap and cheer for someone else.  They learned that finishing the race was the most important thing of all.

What a great life-lesson it has been for them.  They learned to participate even if they weren’t the best (or in the top for that matter).  They learned that trying is more important than winning.  And they learned to improve one moment, on second, one step at a time.   Perhaps it is something that most of us need to learn ourselves.  The only person we should ever compete against is the person we were yesterday.  Comparison is totally the thief of joy.

I have also noticed what amazing young women I am blessed to be a mother to.  I notice when they hold their heads up, their arms out and when they walk with Him.   

I notice. 

STOP

Now it is your turn.  What can you write in your own short Five-Minutes?  Don't forget to link back over to Kate's Place with the rest of us.  

Five Minute Friday - STILL

“Be still, and know that I am God” 

(Psalm 46:10).

Today is one of my favorite days of the week.   It is Friday.  It is a day when a bunch of people link up together over at Kate's Place for a Five-Minute Friday.  The rules are simple;  write for five minutes on the prompt, no editing - no worries, link up over at Heading Home with Kate, leave a comment for at least one of the people who linked up before you.  See, no problem at all.  

The prompt this week is:

STILL

START

My head pounds, my heart races, the what's, where's, when's, how's and what if's race through my mind in a loud cacophony of sound that I can't seem to still.  I can't slow down the beating of my heart.  I can't stop all the thoughts from racing around (like the ferris wheel at the State Fair), in my mind.  I can't stop thinking and I can't seem to just be still.  

I feel anxiety and depression like a dark stain on my heart.  Every waking moment, I fight to feel peace.  I fight for the still moments.  Sometimes, it is hard to focus on His words with all the noise in my head.  It is hard to find His peace in the chaos.  

The world races around me.  Everything seems to be moving way too fast.  Where can I turn for peace?  Where is my solace?  I open the books with His words.  I find one of my favorite stories.  I start to read.  I breath in and muscles start to relax, and breath out the tension of the day, then breath once again.  

Slowly, I start to calm.  

I find my center.  

I seek His words.  

I feel His peace.  

I am still.  

STOP

Now it is your turn.  What can your write in your own five minutes?  Don't forget to link back up with the rest of us over at Kate's place!

Becoming Like Him - Day 29 - Unite

For my 31 days of writing, I am linking up over at Heading Home and over at the Nester. There are several of us that are taking the 31 day writing challenge. Kate has suggested that we spend 31 days of Five minute writing. You can use the prompts or write about anything you would like, you just need to write.

I am sharing my journey for 31 days as I strive to become more like Him. My prayer is that you can find hope and peace in my words.

10 For thou art great, and doest wondrous things: thou art God alone.
11 Teach me thy way, O Lord; I will walk in thy truth: unite my heart to fear thy name.
12 I will praise thee, O Lord my God, with all my heart: and I will glorify thy name for evermore.

The Prompt today is:

UNITE

START

How hard is it to unite our hearts?  I have a rather large family.  We blended two families together and had a few more children to form a large blended family.  It was not an easy journey.  Sometimes, my children thought that they should be loved best, and sometimes his did.  One of the hardest things to teach them was that they are all our children.  They are each loved individually for themselves.  They are needed and wanted and each a blessing in our lives.  
Uniting together is one of the best things we have ever done.  It was a rough journey at times with a lot of potholes along the way.  Yet, it has been so rewarding and I would not change it for the world.  
Uniting our hearts together to God is not easy either.  There are so many things that would interfere with our relationship.  The world would have us believe that the Sabbath is just another part of the weekend.  It is a time to have fun and forget about everything else.  I know that the sabbath is a day of worship.  As I used to tell my children, Heavenly Father has given us everything and right now He is only asking for a little bit of your time.  
Uniting ourselves for His purpose is such a blessing.  Gathering together helps each of us to strengthen our own testimonies as well as the testimonies of others.  It helps us to find ways to remain strong and faithful.  For me, going to church, fulfills a need that is deep inside my heart.  A need to be more like Him.  It is a chance to teach, learn, listen and love. It is a choice that places my feet in the right direction for the rest of the week.  
Uniting my heart in His glory.  
I can't think of a better place to be.

STOP

Becoming Like Him - Day 22 - Expect

For my 31 days of writing, I am linking up over at Heading Home and over at the Nester. There are several of us that are taking the 31 day writing challenge. Kate has suggested that we spend 31 days of Five minute writing. You can use the prompts or write about anything you would like, you just need to write.

I am sharing my journey for 31 days as I strive to become more like Him. My prayer is that you can find hope and peace in my words.

When you release expectations, 

you are free to enjoy things 

for what they are, 

instead of what you 

think they should be.  

Today the prompt is:

EXPECT

START

I am grateful to have this prompt today.  Too often in my own life, I expect things to be a certain way.  I expect my children to behave a certain way, or smile, or laugh or have fun.  I expect them to be reverent in church and to listen to their teachers.  I expect them to treat me like they love me.  In case you haven't guessed, I am a mother of three teenagers and absolutely nothing goes the way I expect it to.
I am learning, way too slowly, in my journey to allow them to be themselves.  In all their teenage glory and righteousness.  But I am finding, as I release the expectations that I am holding them to, these beautiful and wonderful spirits hidden beneath my own requirements.  The young ladies that they are becoming are so much more than I ever dreamed they could be.
I have also had very high expectations for myself in my life.  Usually so high, that I can't possibly succeed.  Making me a failure before I even begin.  I am also learning to be a little more kind and gentle with myself.
In the scriptures it tells us that we are required to forgive all men, I believe that includes ourselves.  Sometimes, what is easy to forgive in another is so much more difficult to forgive in myself.  I always think that I should have, could have and needed to know better.
I am so grateful for a loving Savior who knew that I would need His sacrifice.  Part of becoming more like Him is to recognize how very much I need Him in my life.  It is to know, intimately, His Mercy and Grace.  When I stop having unreal expectations for myself and everyone else, I become free to recognize the tender mercies that I am surrounded with in my life.
May you also learn to enjoy and absorb those things that are real, instead of expecting them to be something else entirely.

STOP

Becoming Like Him - Day 8 - Say

For my 31 days of writing, I am linking up over at Heading Home and over at the Nester. There are several of us that are taking the 31 day writing challenge. Kate has suggested that we spend 31 days of Five minute writing. You can use the prompts or write about anything you would like, you just need to write.

I am sharing my journey for 31 days as I strive to become more like Him. My prayer is that you can find hope and peace in my words.

Titus 3:8 This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which have believed in God might be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable unto men.

START

When I was a child, I heard many cruel and awful things directed at me.  I decided long ago, that I would not call others names like that.  I learned that the things that are said, sometimes hurt much more than the things that are done to you.  The words live on in my head.  Sometimes, I hear them still when I am having a bad day.  I never wanted to do that to my own children.  But often, I haven't known what to say instead.  I have really struggled with how to handle anger and what to do when I have those feelings.
I have wondered what a faithful saying really sounds like.  And then I read this scripture the other day when I was thumbing through the Bible.  I love the idea that a faithful saying is something you affirm constantly.  It is not a sometimes thing.  It is not something that hurts those who are listening.  I also love that part of a faithful saying is really Good Works.  So often, I meet people who wonder where God is in their lives.  They don't believe or even try to believe.  They forget that part of faith is really doing something.  It is more than a belief.  It is action in it's purest form.  I think that is why faith comes one simple step at a time.  Each step brings us a little closer to God.  Each thing we think and say and do, matters.  Especially when it is uplifting.
I wonder as I read this if all the things I am doing could be affirmed constantly.  I am sure the answer to that would be "no".  So as I continue on this 31 day journey, I am seeking to do the things that I can be happy about.  Things for myself as well as things for others.  Things that are good.  I want to remember to watch the words that I say.  Often, it is not the words themselves that hurt, it is the tone I use when I am upset or angry.  I want to make the things I say mean something good to those whose hearts I might touch.

STOP

The Dance

When you dance,

your purpose is not

to get to a certain place on the floor,

It's to enjoy each step

along the way.  

It is easy to get caught up in where you should be, or where you want to be, or even where you might think everyone else is.  Sometimes, we get so focused on the destination that we forget to enjoy the journey.  We keep missing the things around us because we are looking ahead to the next phase.  Like, when they laugh, when they crawl, when they walk, when they run, when they play sports, when they go to school, when they are in middle school, when they are teenagers, when they leave home.  

Our goal as parents is to raise children that are independent, self supporting and happy adults.  But if we become so focused on getting them there, we will forget to enjoy the small everyday moments that have become the breath of fresh air in my own world.  We forget to enjoy all the steps.  We forget to leave the "if only" behind.  

All of us would change things if we could about the past.  But those things we would change are not about hurrying faster, or doing more.  Most of the things I would change would be the time I didn't get to spend with them.  I think that I would choose to laugh more, to play more, to show them how much I loved them more.  I would want them to know how beautiful they are, how grateful I am for them everyday.  I would hold them more and scold them less.  I would want them to believe in themselves more, to know that I believed in them always.  

I would want to introduce them to the God that I have come to love.  I would teach them that He is always there, in the hard times and the sad times and the hopeless feeling times.  I would teach them to reach out to Him no matter what the sin, no matter how lost you feel, or how forgotten you think you might be.

If I could go back, the things that I would do more of are always those things that matter the most.  As I grow older, my eyes are opened more and I can see that each step we take should be cherished, enjoyed and lived in.  Our loving Heavenly Father does not expect us to always look toward the future.  He wants us to live in the present.  To be a part of our families and our friends.  He wants us to forget about where we are going, and focus on the movement along the way.  

I believe that He wants us to enjoy the dance.  

I am a Writer

 

"What doesn't kill us, 

gives us something new to write about."  

Julie Wright

Today, I am joining Lisa Jo over at her blog to write for my own five minutes.  We call this "Five Minute Friday".  The rules are simple

• Write for five minutes without worrying where it is just right or not
• Link up over at Lisa Jo's Place
• Leave a comment for at least one of the others who posted before you. 

Short sweet and simple.  So, join us today for your own version of the prompt......

WRITER

START

I started writing so many years ago, poems about hurt and heartache, about laughter and sadness,about sunshine and rain.  I kept writing  through the years of hopes and dreams and trials.  I put my heart and soul and testimony into my words.  I found God in the struggle to write.  I found the gift of putting dreams into thoughts and into words.  And in those words I often found my heart turning toward Him.
Sometimes, I would write a lot.  The words poured out of my soul faster than I could write them down.  It became a nearly aching need of healing to write everything as I struggled and learned and grew.  I found comfort in the pages of my journal each night.  The words in ink pouring onto the pages as memories.  Messages to generations further down the line.  My fingers aching with the writing, all in my own hand, sometimes many pages at a time. 
Today, the computer beckons me each day, and calls my name with guilt or love, or shame or acceptance.  It all depends on how much I ignore my dream and desire to write.  Sometimes, I need to wait to speak those words.  I have to heal in other ways.  But then, I return to my computer and write my heart upon the pages of my blog.  Here I have found a place to write my words.  A place to share my heart, my soul, my love and my dreams.  Here I become a writer.

STOP

Now it is your turn.  What can you write in your own five minutes?  Don't forget to join the rest of us over at Lisa Jo's.

Hitting and Biting

"You knew it was a good day
if you didn't hit or bite anyone".
Nathaniel Age 4

I love this for some reason.  And that face!  It just reminds me of being a child. Maybe it is because, as an adult, I have to stay more in control.  I can't behave badly and get away with it any more.  Not that I really did as a child, but at least it was a little more acceptable.  

I remember the day in sixth grade, one of the boys would not leave me alone.  I had the misfortune of being the girl that everyone picked on.  They tried to get under my skin by calling me names, taking my stuff and even beating me up.  I did not make friends easily, and got my feelings hurt way too often.  

On this occasion, the boy would not quit calling me names.  The rest of the class was laughing at me and I was humiliated and embarrassed.   I lost my temper and picked up my dictionary and hit him right over the head.  The entire class was silent in shock.  I had never fought back before.  He was fine, other than a slight headache.  I got detention (not for the first time I might add).  I had a knack for being the kid that always got caught.  

Anyway, that day was not a good day.  However, good things came of it.  I ended up making a friend with one of the girls that actually stuck up for me after that.  Her name was Fern and she taught me how to fight.  Instead of being the one beaten up, I learned to defend myself from the others.  I never did get good at hitting first, but I got very good at defending myself so that I didn't get hurt.  

It is amazing to me how much our perspective changes with time.  When we are young, controlling ourselves has more to do with how we behave physically.  It is learning to control our impulsive actions.  As we get older, we have to learn to control our physical reactions as well as our words, our thoughts, and even our desire to get even.  We have to learn to choose our actions and not choose to react to what is done to us.  We hopefully become adults.  

As we grow, our ideas of what is acceptable change.  I know that I would never want to hurt anyone by hitting or biting.  Nor would I want to intentionally hurt them with words or actions.  I think as we grow, we start to learn that anything not done with compassion and caring becomes unacceptable.  Kindness really does begin with me.  

Sometimes they need you.

Don't Feel Bad

If People Remember You

Only When They Need You.

Feel Privileged

That You Are Like A Candle

That Comes To Their Mind

When There Is Darkness.

Being a Grandparent is the best.  I love that I have more patience and more ability to do fun things with them that I used to as a mother.  This sweet little one wore me out!  We went to visit my beautiful daughter and son along with their two children.  We decided to take the kids to the St. Louis City Museum, which is supposed to be amazing.  So, we did.  We took them straight into chaos.  I mean that literally.
The four older girls took off for the scariest things they could find to do.  They went exploring everywhere.  They found things they have never seen before.  They climbed in a wire enclosed cage up over five stories and took a slide down to the bottom.  They ran and played and explored and wore us all out.
My sweet Sadie wanted someone with her at all times.  She needed us to go down the slides first and wait to catch her at the bottom.  We spent six and a half hours crawling under floors, over ceilings, sliding down ten story slides and hiding in nearly everything.  This museum is an amazing place to be for kids of all ages.  Not so much for claustrophobic grammy's though. 
However, I bit my lip and we went everywhere.  Into the recesses of a whale, up spiral staircases, around waterfalls and through at least thirty different slides. 
Sadie usually doesn't need me.  She is happy to run with the older girls and leave the adults behind, but here, it took a few hours for her to warm up to doing things that were a little scary for her.  She needed me.  She needed a hand to hold and someone to watch her overcome her fears.  She wanted someone who would be patient and wait for when the time was right for her.  She wanted someone to climb through the bars and crawl way up in space and show her that scary things can still be fun. 
That day, I was her candle for a short while.  I was her anchor in trial.  And I have never been more privileged than for that one, single, short day of need. 

Unplug technology. (for a set time)

 

 "Precious moments of opportunity to interact and converse with our children dissolve when we are occupied with distractions. Why not choose a time each day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with each other?
Simply turn everything off. When you do this, your home may seem quiet at first; you may even feel at a loss as to what to do or say. Then, as you give full attention to your children, a conversation will begin, and you can enjoy listening to each other."

I love this quote.  We live in this crazy-busy society.  It is non-stop movement.  We run here, there and literally everywhere.  We have appliances to make our work easier so that we have even more time to run faster.  We take the kids to dance, sports, school events, church, youth activities and even more events.  Sometimes, it seems as if it will never slow down.  Sometimes it seems as if I will never slow down.  Turning everything off seems like heaven to me right now.  Just think what it would be like to have no phone, no TV and no ipods.  I could actually hear my children when they are sitting next to me.  More important, they could actually hear me.  I think that busyness can be the curse of our society.  We get so wrapped up in so many good things, that we can't see the things that are better just around the corner.  It is harder and harder to hear the spirit of the Lord with all the noise and confusion in our lives.  So, I say, let's all turn off technology for a moment or a time or even a day.  Let's just take a few extra minutes to get acquainted again with the people around us who mean the most to us. Let's enjoy our time together and make it something really special.  

Real Friends

"Electronic games and cyber acquaintances are no lasting substitute for real friends who can give an encouraging hug, who can pray for us and seek after our best interest".  Ian S. Ardern

We live in a busy world. Television, games, sports, school, movies, parks, music, dance and who knows what else surrounds us.  Every day, it is more and more busy.  I work, I work and I work some more.  I drive kids here, there, and everywhere.  I take them to doctors, dentists, councilors, and anywhere else they need to go.  

Sometimes, I yearn for the days of my Great-Grandmother.  When you rode horses to get where you were going, when there was no TV or radio, when kids played outside and did chores every morning and night.  When the only sports were played after school with your neighbors.   I envy the days of meeting your neighbor across the back fence.  

When I lived in Mesa, I didn't even know who my neighbors were.  We never saw each other.  We never communicated.  If I didn't see the kids, I didn't know the parents.  I hated it.  When I moved to a smaller town, I got to know so many more people.  It is really different here.  People tell me when my kids do something wrong, they tell me when there are things going on that might interest them.  They tell me who they should stay away from.  They tell me pretty much anything.

I did not count on the way gossip flies in a small town.

Oh well, it is still nice to know your neighbors.  It is nice to live somewhere people care.  It is nice to help each other and stand up for each other.  Sometimes, we all need real friends, ones who love us, care for us and watch over us.  I am loving learning what it means to know my neighbors.  

Afflictions

"Some people feel guilty about their anxieties 

and regard them as a defect of faith 

but they are afflictions, not sins.  

Like all afflictions, they are, if we can 

so take them, our share in the 

passion of Christ". C. S. Lewis

I love C. S. Lewis.  He has such an amazing way of phrasing things.  I suffer from Depression and Anxiety.  I have for many years now.  At times in my life, it doesn't see too bad and I am able to deal with the difficulties that I face.  At others, it can be overwhelming.  I have always regarded those illnesses as something to be guilty of, something to be ashamed of.  Somehow, it is my fault that I can't trust enough or get through my trials on my own. 

One of the times when I was struggling, a friend became angry with me because of my depression and told me that I profess to have faith, yet I can't trust God that He will take care of these things.  If I really had faith, than I would not allow depression to have a place in my life.  This was so difficult for me to hear.  I want to have trust, I want to believe that it is all in His hands, but I can't help worrying about it.  I can't let go of those things that bring me the most anguish.  

Sometimes, I feel like I am two people.  One person has so many blessings and so much to be happy about, and the other person has so many things to worry about.  Those two people inside of me keep me busy trying to find my center.  Sometimes things don't make sense, but I keep trying.  

I have learned that depression is not a sin.  It is an affliction that I live with.  The same way someone else might live with diabetes or heart disease.  It is just something that I am learning to overcome.  I have learned that there are things that help, and my choice comes in choosing to be helped rather than choosing to try it on my own.  I use as many natural things as I can, but I also use medication and that works for me.  

I am learning to be happy and healthy and calm.  I am learning that He does help me, even if I am not always aware of that help.  I am learning to accept and be happy.  And that feels so amazing.