I am Bigger

 

I needed this one for myself today.  Each day of our life is a choice.  We can't choose the trials, or the heartaches, or the tears, or the problems, but we can certainly choose how we are going to live with them.  We can choose to be surrounded by fear, or by courage.  We can choose to be positive or negative.  We can choose to be scattered or focus.  We all get to choose. 

I like that word unstoppable.  I like the idea of letting the strength of others inspire me.  In short, I like the idea of remembering who I am and where I have come from. 

Life is hard and messy.  It is not an easy road.  It has bumps and bruises along the way.  Some things get broken and can't possibly be fixed, but we never know until we look back, just what it was that Heavenly Father was leading us through and to. 

Sometimes, for me, the hardest thing to learn is to simply let go and trust God that all will be well. 

Sometimes, being courageous is simply being willing to put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward toward a new ending. 

Being unstoppable, doesn't mean you do not have problems and concerns.  It simply means that I choose to take a step forward in spite of them.  It means I am making my choice to live. 

 

Have courage to be kind

I think maybe my word this year should have been kindness.  Not so much because I need to be more kind (although that is always possible) but more because I need to be willing to see more kindness in others.  I need to be willing to overlook what seems to be so, and look harder at the intent.
Any act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.  It helps us to heal and love and be better than we were before.  But part of seeing the kindness in others is learning to recognize it in the world around us.
I have really struggled this past year.  It has seemed to me that kindness is an old school value that has gone far, far out of style.  Even older people seem to forget how important kindness can be.  I have never had a year, quite like this one.  I have been yelled at, screamed at, criticized, called names, and even made fun of.  I have had my very morals and integrity questioned.
I am someone who gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.  You pretty much have to try really hard to prove to me you are not trustworthy or kind.  This year, has shown me that many people are not.  That actually hurts my heart.  I want to believe the best of people.  I want to think they care and that they want things to be better.  I want to think that they might have a kernel of kindness in their souls.  It always surprises me and even shocks me when people are not.
One of the things I am discovering (more slowly than I would like), is that I have to look harder for those moments of kindness.  I have to really search and see that they are there.  When I find them, I have to dwell on those to avoid the others who are not that way.  But as I seek more kindness in the world around me, I am finding it.  The woman who lets the disabled man go in front of her because he is struggling to stand.  The man who lets the woman with 4 small children go first in the line at the grocery store because she only has a few things and he has a whole cart.  The people at the Post Office who bring my employees chocolate to make their day just a little brighter.  
There is kindness out there.  Sometimes, we just have to pay a little more attention to what is going on outside ourselves.  We have to have the courage not only to be kind, but to look for it in the world around us.  It is there if we are just willing to pay attention.

Born with Potential

 

It was interesting to me that it takes courage to practice any virtue.  Sometimes, I think it is easy to take goodness for granted.  After all, that is the way that we are supposed to be.  However, if you think about it, it can be hard to be good.  It is so much easier to follow the crowd. 

I have been blessed (or unblessed) to see so many examples of "group think".  Where the popular person makes a bad decision and everyone else in the group follows along because they want to be popular too.  They want to be accepted.  They want to fit in.  And, as a person who has been there, I can't blame them.  But, as a mother who has had to watch her children be bullied and left out, I do blame them for that.

Kindness is hard.  It is so hard for kids to stand up and be kind when the "popular" kids don't want them too.  It is so hard to realize that ignoring, making fun of, gossiping, and judging are all forms of bullying.  And if they hear or see their parents doing it, it is even worse.  I am pretty sure that most of them don't even realize how harmful it is for them to do.  And many adults excuse the behavior as "just being kids".  However, I have sat of the side of the parent whose children are being bullied.  I have seen the hurt in their eyes.  I have had them not want to go to church or school to deal with the other children. 

Maybe if we start teaching children that it is courageous to be kind and generous.  Maybe if we teach them that they can be proud of having courage.  Maybe then we can start to change our own little corner of the world. 

Rock Bottom

I have hit rock bottom a couple of times in my life.  Actually, I have hit it a few more times that a couple.  I have thought each time that it couldn't possibly get any worse.  I have been wrong. 

Rock bottom seems to be the point where I can't possible stand any more pain, right this second.  

I remember being a child and one of the neighborhood kids told me the circus was coming that afternoon.  I wanted to go so bad!  I cried when my mother made me take a nap.  When I woke up, I raced outside, to have the same child tell me that I missed the only circus to come to our playground.  I was devastated.  I just knew that I was never going to see a real circus again.  Of course, I did not know that the child was teasing me.  I only knew that, because of my nap, the much looked for circus, was gone. 

As I grew, I had someone I thought was a friend.  She was kind to me to my face, but talked about me behind my back.  She gossiped and told others that I said things I did not say.  She made sure that I didn't have any other friends.  It hurt me so much when I found out that she was never really my friend.     

There are so many instances in my life when I really thought I had hit rock bottom.  And I suppose that I did at that time.  Each time, prepared me for even more difficult times to come.   If I had only known then a portion of the things I know now. 

My point is, there is always farther we can fall.  There are always worse things that can happen to us.  Perhaps the most important thing of all is to feel gratitude for what we do have. To remember that we are blessed.  To know that we are loved.  Because, in spite of all the moments where we think we have hit rock bottom, there are also the times when we have risen up and shown what we are made of and whose we really are.  There are those times, in each of our lives, when rock bottom is definitely the solid foundation for the rest of our lives. 

Stop Worrrying

 

It is not easy for me to stop worrying.  I worry about everything:  Being late, being early, having money, not having enough money, work, school, the cars, the phone, the bills.  You name it, I have probably worried about it. 

It is sad to me to even try to think about how much of my life has been spent in worrying.  My stomach in knots, but brain whirling, my heart beating fast.  I think I may worry just a little too well!

Take this week for example; I have an 18 year old teen.  She is a really good girl.  However, she went to see a friend in Holbrook.  The road there is a good one, but there are way too many accidents along it late at night.  I planned on her being home by 9:00.  In reality, it was after 1:00 in the morning when she came in.  She did text, so it is not like I didn't know where she was or what was going one, but I couldn't sleep. 

Finally, after tossing and turning, I went out on the couch and watched a TV show.  I stayed up until she arrived home (safe at last!) and then was up for about 40 minutes later to get my anxiety under control.  Six hours of sleep later, and it was time to get up to start the Sabbath day. 

I was exhausted!  Then 6 hours of sleep Sunday night and back to work.  After a very long day (about 14 hours) I came home and finally went to sleep at 9:00 again, only to wake up at 3:00AM to worry and not go back to sleep.  I really have to find a way to stop this!!

Worry is not my friend. 

I know this quote is true, even if it is so hard for me to remember.  I have seen the Lord's hand in my life when things don't work out the way I always planned they would. 

I had so many dreams as a child.  Ones where I was a surgeon, or a rocket scientist, or an astronaut.  I dreamed things that did not come true.  Somehow, I never saw myself quite where I am today.  Yet in all my dreams, I could never have seen the blessings that I would be given instead.  I think that I am right where I need to be.  So, when plans don't work out, when the road is uphill, when everything and everyone seems to conspire against you, have faith.  I believe the Lord's plans for us are so much bigger than anything we could dare to dream. 

 

Let Go and See What Happens

 

Let go.  What wonderful words.  And something that is so very hard for me to do.  I cling to things like there is no possibility of ever letting go.  The problems of others, bother me as if they were my very own.  Letting go requires action on my part and it is so very difficult to do. 
Once, many years ago, in my crazy time, I was climbing a cliff for the very first time.  Now, you should probably know that the reason I started climbing cliffs is because I was terrified of heights.  Somehow, I got in my head that climbing would help me to "let go" of my fear. 
The very first cliff I climbed, I got stuck about 3/4 of the way up to the top.  I hit a spot where I could not make the reach to go forward and I could not find the hand and footholds to go back.  I was on belay, but I did not trust the rope or my partner yet.  The fear of heights overcame me and I clung for dear life to the face of that cliff, fingers digging into the rock above and my toes clinging tight to the small ledge. 
My friend at the bottom yelled up to me "let go, Patty, just let go!"  But I could not do it.  So he sat at the bottom and waited for my fingers to give out.  When they did, I slammed into the rock, knocking the breath from my body and severely bruising my ribs in the process.  My friend slowly lowered me to the ground and helped me pick myself up.  I was unable to climb again for two more weeks because of all the contusions on my ribs and side.  But as soon as I was able, I went back up and tried again.
I have never forgotten that painful lesson on letting go.  It is so much easier on me when I make the choice to let go, rather than wait for my limbs and heart to give out in the process.  When you climb, knowing when to let go is just as important as knowing when to hang on.  You have to trust that your climbing buddy has your back.  That they are paying attention and will minimize any damage by catching you with the rope when you fall.  Because fall, you will.  As surely as day turns into night, you will have falls and injuries. 
It is an amazing feeling of accomplishment when you climb.  When you struggle to overcome a fear and succeed in spite of it.  It is wonderful to sit at the top of a difficult climb and admire the view. 
Climbing isn't only about going up, it is also on how to take the safest route back down. 
Sometimes, you just have to breathe, trust and let go. 

Let it Go

Trying to let go, can be one of the more difficult things to do in life.  I wonder sometimes, if I hang onto things simply because they are what I know.  Do I hang on to the past because I am afraid to move forward?  Or do I hold on just because it is familiar to me?  Is it easier to dwell on the past than to look toward the future?  Is it easier to be angry and hate than to just let it go?

My burdens can seem so heavy to bear.  It is hard to hold them all in, and it is harder still to let them go, but I know it is necessary, for my own well being, for my own happiness, for my own piece of mind.

I have found, that the older I get, the more the past intrudes on my present possibilities for happiness.  Yet, somehow, as easy as it has been in my life to forgive, I am struggling to continue to do so.  I know that forgiveness is the only way for me to be truly happy, but when bad things happen to me, I find it much easier to forgive, than when they happen in the lives of my children and grandchildren.

Burdens can be so heavy.  I feel exhausted so much of the time.  I know that I need to let them go.  I need them to dissolve or fly away somewhere else, anywhere else besides my own head and heart.  And so I struggle just to let them go.  To not hold them tight to my heart.  To not be angry or hurt.  I struggle to give them away.  To forgive. 

I let them go so that I can be free. 

Life Lessons

Oh, how I have learned.  Sometimes, I get caught up in the things that are going wrong.  They can be overwhelming.  Then I focus on all the things that have happened and all the mistakes that I have made.  Eventually, I come back to the thought that I have learned from them all.  The mistakes and the hurt are the things that have given me understanding and tenacity.  Life goes on, sometimes up and sometimes down, but never just middle of the road.  We are either running or falling or picking ourselves up from the mud, but I know that I am certainly never bored. 
And so I learn, moment by moment and day by day.  I learn and grow and become someone that I never imagined I would be or could be.  Often, in the darkness of the night, I find myself remembering the child that I used to be.  What happened to all those hopes and dreams?  What happened to all the wishes from dandelions and stars?  My heart has been shattered, my eyes poured tears, my thoughts have been deep and dark, but that little girl has learned, and learned some more.
There have been times when I would have wished for changes.  Times when I cried as if my heart were breaking (and it was), times when I didn't want to breathe or go on or dream ever again.  I have learned to keep going, no matter how rough the road, you just keep walking one small step at a time.  This life is but a fleeting moment of our eternity.  I realize that even more now than I ever have before.  And although there is pain, there is also joy in the overcoming of it.  Although there are hurts, there are also healing and love. 
We can choose to focus on all the bad, or we can choose to embrace the good.  We can choose for the sacrifice not to have been in vain, or we can choose to live those dark moments over and over again.  For me, the past is not worth the price of my present and my future.  I am choosing to let it go. 
I am choosing to look forward instead of back.  I am choosing love instead of anger and hate.  I promise it isn't easy, but I am learning, and that is what is most important after all. 

Ducks in a Pond

I don't have all, or even some,

of my ducks in a row. 

But they're all in the same pond,

so I've got that going for me, which is nice. 

I have always wanted to be one of those women who had it all put together.  The women I admire are strong and independent.  They are successful in their own right.  They are great mothers and grandmothers.  They seem to know exactly what they want and how to get there.  Unfortunately, I am not even close.

It is one of my largest struggles to not compare myself to other women.  Somehow, when I do, I find myself incredibly lacking.  In my mind, they are just so much better than I am.  I think, to an extent, we all struggle with this one.  We want to be better, we really do, but sometimes life just gets right in our way.  We have waves and tides and sometimes even a whirlpool or two.  Right now, I am in the depths of whirlpool and can't even begin to see my way out.  I know, if I hold on, it will come.  I have faith that it will all work out. 
Like I said, my ducks are at least in the same pond!  Problem is, so is the whirlpool! 
So, as I seek not to judge myself today, let me council with you, that you might not be too harsh a judge upon yourself.  I believe that most of us are simply doing the very best we can at this given moment in time.  I believe that what we are, right this moment, is enough.  I believe that He loves you and me just as we are.  It isn't that He doesn't want better for us, it is simply that He loves us in our own here and now.  He knows who we are.  He know how we struggle.  He knows how much life can hurt. 
I believe that He wants us to accept ourselves and come to Him.  He stands waiting to heal our broken hearts and lift our weary knees.  He wants to share our burdens and bear our pain, but He also won't take it from us if we don't ask.

 ^"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me".  Revelation 3:20


 

One side of the story

So many people take sides.  We take sides based on who we like, or who we don't.  We take sides based on what we hear, or what we are told.  We take sides because we only know part of the story.  It is too easy to judge based on which side you hear.  It is too easy to be in the wrong, when we don't value someone enough to listen. 

I love the story of Solomon and the baby.  Two women went before his judgment seat.  They had both had a baby.  One of the babies had died and one lived.  Both women claimed the living baby was their own. 

After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He decided that there was only one fair solution: the living son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Oh Lord, give the baby to her, just don't kill him!" The woman who lied, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!"
The king declared the first mother as the true mother, as a true, loving mother would rather surrender her baby to another than hurt him, and gave her the baby. King Solomon's judgment became known throughout all of Israel and was considered an example of profound wisdom.
Both women wanted to be right, but one was willing to be wrong in order for the baby to live.  King Solomon was able to listen to both sides of the story and reach a fair and just decision.  What an example for the rest of us. 
No matter what we believe, or how much we hurt, or what has happened to us, there are always two sides to every single story.  Often, both sides have hurt and heartache.  When we jump to conclusions and judge, we risk never finding out the truth.  We risk supporting others in their lies and jealousy.  We risk condemning the wrong party. 
How grateful I am that the only person I have to worry about judging me is the Lord.  He alone knows my thoughts and my heart.  He knows my innocence and even my guilt.  He knows everything about me, including why I am the way that I am.  With Him on my side, I don't have to worry so much about the opinions of others.  With Him in my Heart, I know that the truth will someday come out and that, in ways I don't yet understand, All will be well. 
So, for now, my prayer is that we will all learn to listen to the story in it's entirety and not just one side of it. 

If you listen

I have heard Paul Cardall speak, I have heard him sing.  He is pretty amazing.  What I really love about him though, is the things he has overcome.  How he keeps on being positive in spite of the trials he faces.  How he relies on his Heavenly Father to get him through it.  I am trying to be more like that. 
I try and listen.  I search.  I pray.  But I have a very hard time believing that everything is going to be OK.  I suppose it is a trust issue on my part.  I hate having bad things happen, and there is this part of me that believes they are going to keep happening, over and over again.  There is a part of me that believes I deserve the bad things and not the good.  There is a part that feels like I am being punished. 
I think there are times when we all feel that way.  When the prospect of grace is just too overwhelming to even begin to comprehend.  When our sins haunt our hearts and disturb our rest.  When perfection is something we should be obtaining.  Sometimes, it is as simple as what my mind thinks it knows and what my heart believes. 
Today, I am trying to convince myself that everything is going to work out alright.  Maybe, just maybe, I will do it.

AMAZING GRACE

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now I'm found.
Was blind but now I see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
When we've been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Then when we first begun.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I'm found.
Was blind, but now I see

Saved From Lions

This is my new favorite quote.  I use it to remind myself that, no matter what I am going through or how bad life seems, the Lord still loves me.  We all have trials.  That doesn't mean that He isn't aware of us any more.  It doesn't mean that there is not something else in store. 

I have been to way too many Lion's dens in my life.  Times when I thought there was no way out.  Times when I was sure that I was unlovable and forgotten.  There was danger all around, but even though He didn't rescue me from the Lion's den, he did rescue me from the lions. 

I have learned that life is full of trials.  There are times when I really am not sure if I am going to make it from day to day.  I see "the lions" and  I don't realize yet that the Lord has "shut the lions mouths".  I can't see beyond the darkness of the den.  I know that danger is near.  I am afraid.  I am filled with sorrow.  I love the story of Daniel, but my favorite part is that the king went and fasted in his chamber.  He could not sleep because he was so worried about Daniel inside the Lions Den.  I love that an angel of the Lord came and closed the mouths of the lions so that they could not hurt Daniel.

In my life, I have found living angels as well as spiritual ones.  Those who are there for me in my moments of darkness.  Those who keep the lions from destroying me.  Those who reach out their hands and their hearts in my hour of need.  Those who fast and pray for my protection.  Those who truly teach me of His love and mercy.  Because, although He saves me from the Lions, he does not save me from having to enter the Lions den. 

Cheering you on

 

I have felt alone for so much of my life.  Alone in a room full of people, alone in a town, alone in a city, alone in church.  Just alone.  I have felt and believed that no one could possibly understand what it is that I am going through.  I have felt like I had to keep the bad secret from everyone.  Like I had to showcase the good. 

Slowly, with a lot of effort and energy, I am learning that is not the case.  I am learning that the only way I am really alone is if I choose to believe it.  I do have good friends, although they are pretty much as busy as I am.  I have my family in my life, even if their needs are different from mine.  I am learning that I am really only alone when I choose to be.  I just haven't been aware that it was a choice. 

I love thinking about having heaven cheer us on.  Just to know that someone is rooting for me through all the hard times, and the hurtful times.  Just to know that someone has their arms around me even when I fail.  To know that they are calling for me to get back up and try again.  To know that mistakes are not the end. 

It does my heart good to feel like I am not in this by myself.  It reminds me that Heavenly Father wants me to succeed in all that I do in His name.  I believe that He wants us all to return to His loving embrace.  I believe that He doesn't want us left behind in this crazy, mixed up and very messy life.  He wants us to embrace each other and keep moving forward, even if it is one wobbly step at a time. 

Heaven is cheering us on. 

Controlling the Way you Respond

The last three years or so, have been hard.  There are so many things in my life that I absolutely have no control over.  Things that happen through no fault of my own, yet I am drawn out of my comfort zone and into exactly where I don't want to be, like a fish on a line, I even feel sometimes like I might be someone else's dinner!
Live can be very hard.  It doesn't change just because you want it to either.  I often find myself feeling out of control with my world.  There are people who act as if their greatest desire in life is to make me as miserable as possible. 
One of the things I am learning is that it is impossible for others to make you miserable.  It is also impossible for them to make you happy.  We are in total control of those emotions.  We choose to let others influence us, for good or bad.  We choose to let them have that kind of power over us. 
In my struggle with the demon depression in my life, I am trying to learn that I don't have to be in control of anyone else but myself. Sometimes, others actions affect me, but there is nothing that I can do about it.  One of the biggest problems that I have is that I want to be in control.  When something is wrong, I want to fix it and have it be right.  When someone is unjust, I want to show them the error of their ways and have them change their actions.  It has been incredibly hard for me to learn to let go of the monkey that belongs on someone else's back.  Especially when it has to do with my children.
I struggle with a great desire to be happy and to see those I love happy too.  But I am learning that my happiness is not dependent on the choices that others make.  I can be happy even though someone hates me.  I can be happy even though I am wronged.  I can be kind even in the face of unkindness, and most of all, I can feel gratitude to my Heavenly Father, when there is a lot around me to not be grateful for.  I am learning to find joy in the small things.  I am learning that He really does know what is going on and that He knows I am innocent of accusations and others bitterness. 
I am learning that I am not always in control of someone else.  I am in control of how I respond to them.  I get to choose to hate, or to love.  To hold a grudge or to forgive.  To be angry or loving. 
I have the power to choose, and that is helping me to change. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings - Despite out Pleas

Five Minute Friday - STILL

“Be still, and know that I am God” 

(Psalm 46:10).

Today is one of my favorite days of the week.   It is Friday.  It is a day when a bunch of people link up together over at Kate's Place for a Five-Minute Friday.  The rules are simple;  write for five minutes on the prompt, no editing - no worries, link up over at Heading Home with Kate, leave a comment for at least one of the people who linked up before you.  See, no problem at all.  

The prompt this week is:

STILL

START

My head pounds, my heart races, the what's, where's, when's, how's and what if's race through my mind in a loud cacophony of sound that I can't seem to still.  I can't slow down the beating of my heart.  I can't stop all the thoughts from racing around (like the ferris wheel at the State Fair), in my mind.  I can't stop thinking and I can't seem to just be still.  

I feel anxiety and depression like a dark stain on my heart.  Every waking moment, I fight to feel peace.  I fight for the still moments.  Sometimes, it is hard to focus on His words with all the noise in my head.  It is hard to find His peace in the chaos.  

The world races around me.  Everything seems to be moving way too fast.  Where can I turn for peace?  Where is my solace?  I open the books with His words.  I find one of my favorite stories.  I start to read.  I breath in and muscles start to relax, and breath out the tension of the day, then breath once again.  

Slowly, I start to calm.  

I find my center.  

I seek His words.  

I feel His peace.  

I am still.  

STOP

Now it is your turn.  What can your write in your own five minutes?  Don't forget to link back up with the rest of us over at Kate's place!

Becoming Like Him - Day 24 - Dare

Today is Friday.  Five - minute - Friday to be exact and I can't wait to share.  This is where a group of bloggers gather together over at Kate's Place every single Friday to share their writing on a single prompt, without worrying about whether it is just right or not.  To find out more, or just link your own story with ours, join us over at Heading Home with Kate.

"Let us dare

To read,

Think,

Speak,

and Write."

John Adams

The prompt for this week is:

DARE

START

I spent so much of my life afraid.  Afraid to be who I am, afraid to speak out, afraid to be offended, afraid to dream, afraid to become.  In my struggles, I have learned that I only grow by being challenged.  Life, all by itself doesn't always teach us.  It is when we have to develop the courage to step up and speak out that we really start to learn.
I have learned that it is okay to be different and not like everyone else.  I have learned that none of us are perfect, no matter how much we pretend to be on Sunday.  I have learned to love, in spite of the choices of those I care for.  I have learned to forgive, even when it is harder than I ever imagined.
Sometimes, we just have to dare to be more than we thought we could be.
Today was a hard day.  Someone was in the office yelling and screaming at me.  They called me names and were just plain hard to deal with.  I left that confrontation with hate in my heart.  It is hard to get rid of hate when it wants to take up residence.  So, now, I am working on forgiving.  I don't know how successful I will be, but if it puts me in a better mood to deal with tomorrow, than I will have been successful.  I think that daring to be outside your normal self is not that easy.  It is a challenge.
I write because I dare to share my heart.  I dare to put my words out there to be judged.  I dare to share what He means in my life.  I struggle often to be the person that I want to be.  I have to put aside so many old habits and embrace new ones.  Sometimes, I slip back into yesterday and find myself lost for a time.
Yet, the more I dare, the surer I am of my direction and my path.  The less that I allow fear to govern my journey.  As I seek to become more like Him, I find myself daring a little more often to choose the right.  I find myself seeking those things which are true.  I find myself thinking things through, speaking up, and even speaking out.  I find myself daring to be just a little more like Him, one moment at a time.  One marvelous word.  One tiny thought.  One single step right into His arms of love.

STOP

Now it is your turn.  What can your write for your own version of Five-Minute Friday.  Don't forget to link back with the rest of us at Kate's Place.  

Memoir Monday - Depression

So, it is Monday again and I am hosting a link up about your memoirs.  Today, I made it simple.  I would love to have you contribute and post your own Monday Memoir.  You can make it as long or as short as you want to.  Today the prompt is:

Describe one of your greatest life challenges

I have had many challenges in my life.  Some, I overcome with grace and perseverance, some, well, not so much.  I think the one that has been the hardest one for me is depression.  It is so much like the cloudy night sky in the picture that I took above.  The light is far away and hard to reach.  It is hard to see in the darkness too.  I focus so much on what is right in front of me, that I can't possibly see the bigger picture that I know is there.  

I have fought the battle with depression most of my life.  It started in my childhood and just kept getting worse.  I did not seek treatment until I was about 25 years old.  Mostly, I did not know what was the matter with me.  I was always sad, but never knew why.  I grew up being down and not smiling.  My parents always called me "Sad Sack".  It was not meant as a compliment.  

In our life, emotional difficulties were not allowed.  It was just a part of growing up and you needed to deal with it.  I don't want to talk about the possible reasons for my depression, or about the times that I really wanted to hurt myself.  Though they were always there.  

I do want to say that I am now in my 50's and I still fight with it.  I have been on medication off and on since my 20's.  Usually for about five years and then off for about three years and then back on again when I start recognizing the symptoms.  

I would always prefer to be off meds, but as I get older, that becomes harder and harder to manage.  My darkest depressions are always preceded by something that happens to myself or my family.  They are not something that comes out of the blue.  I can usually identify the incidents that started the cycle.  

Depression is not something you can tell yourself not to feel.  It is not something that goes away because you wish it would.  It is not something that has been healed by prayer in my own live, although not because I don't try.  Depression is like a dark hole that you cannot avoid, no matter how hard you try.   

Right now, I am struggling again.  I am on meds.  I take them without fail and they do help.  But when things happen, I dwell on the misery and can't seem to let it go.  I can't seem to put even the little things aside.  I am surrounded by the things I don't want to remember.  

Yet, even this challenge has taught me a lot.  I have family members who suffer from other forms of mental illness.  I have friends who also suffer.  I have a great compassion for those who suffer in these times.  It is not an easy illness.  

I heard a speaker once talk about how, in America, it is perfectly acceptable to be sick from the neck down.  But our bodies are made with organs.  The heart, the liver, the pancreas are all organs.  When your heart is sick, you develop symptoms of heart disease.  When your liver is sick, you develop liver disease.  When your pancreas is sick, you develop diabetes.  Your brain is also an organ.  It gets disease too and that disease gives you symptoms of mental illness.  Because there are so many different areas of the brain, there are also many different types of mental illness.  

I like that definition.  It reminds me that depression is not a choice.  It is not something that I picked for myself.  Being sad, is not something that I wake up and decide every day.  There is so much more to it than that.  

Depression is an illness that I am working on overcoming.  I might not make it in this life, but I know that I will be healed in the next.  And for now, that is enough.  I can live this, one breath at a time, one moment at a time, on step at a time, until the day when my challenge is over.  Until then, I will keep on enduring and keep on trying and keep on hoping for a change.  

Don't Waste It Whining

Life is too beautiful

to waste it whining.

Sometimes, life can throw us a few curve balls that really test us to our limits.  Perhaps it is your children, or a friend or a speeding ticket.  Maybe it is someone who gossips about you or puts you down.  Maybe it is even someone in your church or your school.  It can even be that three mile hike that turned out to be more like 6 miles and felt like 20!

My point is that we all have problems.  We all have adversities in out lives.  We all have reasons to whine.  It is not that we have reasons, it is simply what we are going to do about it.  I am not a fan of whining.  I have found that it makes me more unhappy and the journey seems so much longer than I thought it would be.  

My sweet daughter was with me on our "forever" hike that we all felt was never going to end.  She helped me over the rocks and through the rough spots.  She smiled and laughed and sang and just about when I was going to give up she said, "look mom, isn't that tree great?  It even has a seat.  I love the way it twists.  Can you take my picture?"  

So, here is her picture on a tree that twists in the middle of a miserable hike.  Don't you just love her smile?  She remember how much I love to take pictures on interesting things.  She knew how much I really do love nature.  She reminded me of all that with a smile and a seat upon a tree.

I have always said to my children, "If you are going to do it anyway, do it with class."  I love that line.  We know when we have to do hard things.  We even know that we might not like them.  But we really don't have to whine about them or complain or do our best to make sure every one else has just as bad of a time.  Sometimes, the best way to handle a situation is with a little class and a smile, or maybe just pointing out are really cool tree.

Life really is beautiful and no misfortune is so bad that whining about won't make it worse!

We should honor the Savior’s declaration to “be of good cheer.   (Indeed, it seems to me we may be more guilty of breaking that commandment than almost any other!) Speak hopefully. Speak encouragingly, including about yourself. Try not to complain and moan incessantly. As someone once said, “Even in the golden age of civilization someone undoubtedly grumbled that everything looked too yellow.”  Jeffrey R. Holland, The Tongue of Angels.

Good-byes are hard to do

We had to say good-bye to Kitty this week and it was a hard thing.  She got sick and died before I could get her to the vet.  I did not even realize that she was ill.  My girls really miss her already and want another cat, but we just can't.  Too many of the older kids are allergic no matter what we try and a couple of the Grandkids have asthma, so kitties are out of the picture for now.  Still, it is never easy to lose a friend and this one slept with the girls, purred at them, and really loved them.  Their hearts are sad and it is hard to understand how this takes time too.  This week has been full of tears and missing and good-byes.  It is a time to remember that friends are those who love of unconditionally, just as we are, messy rooms and all.

“Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day.
It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.”
― John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

Good-bye Kitty, we will never forget how much we loved you and needed you in our lives.