Hardest to love

 

This one is so true.  As a mom, I have come to understand it in a very personal way.  All children need love.  They need to know they are cared for and cared about.  They need to know that their voices matter and that their opinion counts.  I can be very hard to raise a seemingly rebellious soul. 

A very long time ago, I asked an apostle why Heavenly Father sent children that were difficult to us.  His words change my entire perception of those children.  He said, "Sister, Heavenly Father sends you those children because He knows that you will love them exactly like He does".  I have learned that those who seem hard to love are still loved by their Heavenly Father.  That He cares for them and wants them to return to Him as much as He wants the rest of His children to return to their Heavenly Home. 

Sometimes, we get so busy looking at the problems, that we forget to look at the person and love them through it anyway.  Life is hard enough without making someone else feel like they are unloved and unlovable. 

May we all reach out our arms and hearts to those that at hardest to love. 

Do it with Feeling

Such a wonderful quote for me today.  It reminds me that, no matter how I feel, it is ok.  No matter if I am sad, happy, depressed or anxious, as long as I am feeling, I am alive and living.  I am in the moment even if it hurts.  Hopefully, living right here in this moment will help me to realize even greater joy.   I really need to learn to trust my Heavenly Father with all the feelings of my heart. 

The past few years have been hard.  One thing seemingly after another and most of them bad.  My heart hurts, I am exhausted, I want to be numb.  I don't want to feel anymore pain.  But right now, I am trying my very best to live in the moment, no matter how it feels.  I am finding that there are little joys that surround me if I focus on finding them.   There is kindness, there is love, there are moments of satisfaction and healing.  There is heartfelt prayer.  There is grief and gratitude and happiness.

When we shut ourselves off from feeling, we might shut out some of the pain, but we also shut off a great amount of the joy.  We shut out friendship and love.  We shutout fellowship and service.  We betray that nature within our selves that feels compassion and love.

No matter what we are feeling, we are in the right place for this time in our lives.  Our Savior Jesus Christ, who suffered for each one of us, loves us in spite of ourselves and we can not run far enough of fast enough to escape His love and mercy. 

My you feel, really feel, that love in your life and in your mind and in our heart.  May you remember, no matter what has happened, that He knows your pain and stands ready to walk with you through your deepest trials.  You are so very loved. 

Light and Goodness

This one is so true.  I found some today.  I have been run ragged with work lately.  We are busy and the prices are getting ready to go up and everyone wants to buy forever stamps before they have to pay more.  I work at a small office and went through 100 coils in the past 2.5 weeks.  Normally, it takes me a month to go through 50 coils, so it is a pretty big increase.  I ordered coils, but they did not come in.  All the other stamps did, but not my coils.  I reached out to a couple other Postmasters I know and found some within 50 miles of my station.  Today, I drove down to pick them up so that my customers have the stamps they need.
When I got there, my fellow Postmaster took me out to lunch and we talked and he got me 50 coils to sell.  By the time I arrived back at the office, we were out of coils.
This may seem like a small thing, but to me it really made my day.   I gave me a break from work, it got me out of the office for an actual lunch, and it reminded me that I am surrounded by good people everywhere.  I just have to look a little harder to find their welcoming light in my own world.
It is easy to feel surrounded by the difficulties in life.  It is easy to get lost in the darkness of the day to day trials.  But in the midst of them, there is someone willing to share their light with us.  All we have to do is look.

Lifting the hands that hang down

I am loving the new changes from visiting teaching to ministering.  I don't know why exactly, but there is just something about the work "ministering" that makes a difference to me.  It is a chance to lift another.  To help those who need help.  To watch over those who are ill or injured or just need a little extra help.  I think I might like it because it is my chance to really help others.  To keep them safe and go the extra mile in service.  For some reason, serving sounds so much better than teaching.  

I love having the opportunity to find ways to serve.  

This week, we had a fire in our area.  Actually, it is still burning and destroying part of my beloved forest.  However, when I found out where it was burning, the first thing I though of was to call those nearest the fire and see if I could help them in any way.  I wanted to make sure they were safe and secure and far away from danger.  

I make a lot of mistakes.  I can't fix everything that I wish I could.  I can't put out a fire that is burning over 22 miles of forest.  I can drive an ambulance and take care of others.  I can offer to help those who need to evacuate.  I can minister to those who need me.  I can lift up the hands that hang down.  

One of the things I have learned is that when I am busy helping others, I am also busy forgetting my own problems and issues.  I also feel better about myself when I can take the time to help those around me.  

I might not be a great teacher, but I can love those who need loving.  I can care for those who need caring.  I can make a difference.  

Turn On the Light

 

 

 

I am afraid of the dark.  My imagination gets going and I can dream up any wickedness you can imagine.  When I was a child, I watched one, single, horror movie.  I have nightmares of drowning and bodies to this day.  My imagination needs no help!

I remember one night when I saw a face in the window.  It seemed to my child's mind to be very evil.  I saw dark hair and blue eyes.  I felt sure that he could see me too and that he wanted me. 

For the first time in my very young life, I got to my knees under the covers and prayed.  I prayed with all the sincerity of my 5 year old self.  I prayed that Heavenly Father would keep the man away and that he could not hurt me.  I didn't dare look at the window until much later, but I prayed until I was comforted.

During that prayer, I felt the knowledge come into my mind to know where a flash light was.  Tiptoeing silently through the small apartment, I went to he right drawer and pulled the flashlight that I found there, I also pulled some extra batteries.  I ran back to bed with that small light and kept it under the covers to protect me from the darkness.

I don't know what my mother thought happened to that small light, but I kept it for many years.  I put it carefully between the wall and the bed.  As a teenager, it was my reading light and my babysitting light.  I used it when I needed to see something and when I needed to feel secure.  I also used it when I needed to see my way home in the darkness. 

Not only can happiness be found when you remember to turn on the light, but I learned that safety and security could be found also.  I learned the God answers prayers, even for very young insecure children, and I learned that I really was loved and watched over.

I learned how to turn on the light. 

   



Stop Comparing

 

I am so guilty of this.  It is easier to fall into this trap than any other that I am tempted with.  It is so easy to look around at other women and see all the ways that they are better than I am.  It is easy to believe that they are more righteous, more willing, more happy, more holy.  More of just about anything I can imagine. 

The problem with that is that as long as I continue to believe it, I do not change.  I do not recognize my own strengths and use them to help others.  I just keep telling myself that "Sister So-and-So" can do it so much better than me.  I hold myself back and don't serve, when I really want to and need to be there for someone else. 

The problem with comparisons, is that they are NEVER true!  We are standing at the outside trying to look inside somebody else, and we are looking at our inside and comparing it to our own perception of someone else.  We can never win.  We either believe erroneously that we are better, or worse. 

We start to believe that we are not the same in God's eyes.  That He sees us with the harshness that we see ourselves.  We forget that He looks upon the heart and not the deeds.  He looks at what we are becoming and overcoming and not so much on the where we have been. 

He forgives when our own selves can't. 

Happiness is found when we stop trying to see ourselves through the eyes of others, and start trying to see ourselves through our Heavenly Father's eyes.  He loves us, exactly where we are right now, and who we are this minute.  He loves us in all our imperfect weakness as well as the attempts at becoming stronger than we are and more like Him. 

True happiness lies when we can accept ourselves, with all our mistakes and failures, while no longer judging ourselves against the world,

and working at becoming more like Him.

Happiness is looking at each other through the eyes of God. 

Wordless Wednesday - Love this face!

 

 

 

A single photo 

– no words –
 

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Peaches

Believe it or not, this one is hard for me.  All my life, I have wanted to be liked.  I have wanted to have friends and people around me who care.  I have wanted to feel like I had worth.  Yet, most of my life, I have struggled on alone and often lonely.  I thought that I was friendless and unlovable.
When I was in school, I was the child who got off the bus, with over a mile to walk home, and got beat up just because I looked funny.  I learned to walk the five miles home through the desert to avoid the fights.  I never  could figure out what it was that I did in 9th grade to deserve that kind of treatment.
Looking back, I think it was mostly that I was a survivor.  I was abused, beaten, and ridiculed.  I never did learn how to just shut my mouth and take it.  I always had to have the last word.  Looking back, I probably was exactly the type of child they were looking for to pick on and beat up.
I was a child with no self esteem.  I did not know where I was going or what I wanted, but as I figured those things out, one at a time, I hung onto that truth with all the tenacity of my soul.

Trial after trial has come to my life.  Hope after hope has been vanquished.  But I have kept growing.  In my adult years, I have even discovered the joy of a few friends.  I have realized that you can be kind to everyone, yet people will still not like you.  I have also realized that I don't have to hate them for it.  That it is better for my heart if I love them anyway in spite of the fact that they hate peaches!  (and me).

As I have grown, I have discovered that really good friends do not surround you.  They don't suffocate you with attention or needs.  Mostly, they hold you up when you are down, they talk you through the hard times, they hold on tight when you are falling, and they love you through it all.   I have discovered that one or two good friends can do more than multitudes of acquaintances.  And that means everything to me.
I am so thankful for those few good friends who steady me, love me, and support me in my life.

Credit For Trying

This is so comforting for me.  I am so, not perfect!  I keep working on it, and keep failing spectacularly in the process.  What a comfort for me to realize that Heavenly Father really does give us credit for trying to become better.   It makes me want to strive even harder to do those things that I know are right.

One of my trials is an ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety.  There are days when just getting out of bed and getting dressed takes every single bit of my energy.  There are days when I can't make myself take a shower or even brush my hair.  I have been known to stay in bed all day and get absolutely nothing done.  The voice in my head tells me I am lazy even though I know I am not.  There just comes a point when I can't continue moving forward until after I get some form of peace.

I have always been so hard on myself.  I grade myself on the pass fail system.  You know the kind, the one where if you are not perfect, and you don't have it all together, than you are a failure.  The one where I never win.  The one where I am not enough.

How grateful I am that I recognize my Heavenly Father grades me on a much better system.  One where repentance and forgiveness play a major part.  One where mistakes are learning experiences and change is always possible.  One where I have a loving Father who wants to see me succeed and not falter.    

How amazing it is to me that He loves me and cares for me always, no matter how many shortcomings I have or how often I don't do things the right way.  He is there to help me pick up the pieces of my life, dust myself off and try one more time.  

He gives me credit for my intent, not just my successes.  

He loves me just as I am and for Him,

I am enough.  

A desire to change

Maybe this is something I need to work on.  I do not like change.  I do not like it when things don't go as planned.  I do not like the need to do a 180 degree turn when the road is not wide enough to manage it.  I am a planner.  I am not spontaneous at all.  Really I can say that I know how Martha felt when she was trying to do everything by herself.  She had to learn to change.  And I bet it wasn't easy at all.

I love Martha, in her worry of whether everything looked good enough for the Savior.  In her need for perfection in the humbleness of her home.  I sometimes look at my house and wish that magic really existed and that I could wiggle my nose or snap my fingers and have perfect.  The desire is there, but the strength is long gone. 

2 Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if any man [be] in Christ, [he is] a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. 

When I pass away, one of the first people that I want to meet is Martha.  I want to know how she managed to change.  How she managed to learn to put her Savior before all else.  I want to know how she could put aside the natural woman and choose the good part.  When I hear the Savior rebuke her, I hear Him say the same things to me in my heart. 

Change is always hard.  It is exhausting.  It is overwhelming.  It is a trial all by itself. 

Have you ever had to deal with so many changes that you were overwhelmed into shutdown mode?   Have you every been frozen in place and totally and completely unable to cope?

I have, but I wish so much that I was stronger than that.

I remember one year, we came home Christmas eve to water streaming out the ceiling in our garage.  Some people can just start cleaning and everything would work out.  Me, I go numb.  My mind shuts down.  I don't know where to start or what to do.  The water was freezing.  It was about 20 below and it was not a warm night.  I did not even know how to help.  Thank goodness for a loving home teacher who cam immediately and started getting the water out of there.  He was amazing.  In my weakness, I found strength and love in the work of another.  At that point in my life, I wasn't even capable of being a Martha.  I think I was one of multitude that did not know what to do. 

I am not always like this.  Sometimes I can jump right in and do what needs doing.  But sometimes, I just need someone to take over and tell me what to do. 

This man, taught me what Christ like love looked like.  I am pretty sure Christmas Eve was not the time he wanted to be helping us.  But he showed the saviors love by doing that wonderful service for me.  He did not know what I was going through at the time.  He did not know what I needed.  But I believe the Lord touched his heart and at that moment he knew exactly what to do. 

I believe the Lord will change our hearts as we seek to become more like Him.  He will help us to overcome the water and the world to do a good work.  He will let us know how to reach out and help his children.  A change of heart is more than accepting the Gospel in our lives.  It is more than admitting that Jesus is the Christ.  It is more than sharing a gospel message.  I believe a true change of heart takes place on evenings like that difficult Christmas eve night.  In freezing water and ice, surrounded by ruined things.  A true change of heart is what makes us willing to bear one another's burdens.  To mourn with those who mourn and comfort those in need of comfort.  A true change of heart may not be convenient, but it is necessary.   As we seek to serve Him and take upon ourselves His name, our hearts will change to become more like Him. 

God's Choir

 

 

Several years ago, I was able to go to Utah and attend Women's Conference on the BYU Campus.  It was an amazing experience and I loved it.  One of the things you can choose to do there is to participate in a virtual choir. 

If you sign up, you are sent the music to learn on your own.  Then, on the first day of the conference, you show up two hours early to practice the songs you have learned.  At some point in the program, the choir sings the songs they are practiced.  It is quite an overwhelming experience! 

It even sounds good, so that makes it especially eventful.  Every single woman there, singing one of four parts that they learned on their own time and in their own small corner of the world.  Those parts blended into a perfect harmony that fills me with joy.

There is so much hate in the world today.  So many who feel oppressed and trodden upon.  I love the above thought by Jeffrey R. Holland.  It reminds me that we were each born to be different. 

We each get to stand out in our own unique ways.  I am not the same as anyone else. 

If I want to belong to something where everyone is exactly the same, I am living in the wrong place for that.  Every single on of us have differences.  Some of them are visible to others.  Some of them are only visible to ourselves.  Some of them are physical, some are emotional, some are mental.  But we all have differences.  We are unique sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.  

When I hear about people who are oppressed or treated differently, I can't help but wonder how that makes Heavenly Father feel.  He created all of us.  He loves each one of us.  He blesses us and walks with us and wants us to love one another the way that He does.  

He doesn't ever ask us to become like anyone else.  He just wants us to become His.      

Heartache

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the chaos that is my life, that I do not look for ways to serve others.  I forget, for a time, that serving others is really also something that makes me feel better about myself.  This week, there were a couple of friends who needed me, and I stopped what I was doing and went and served. 
I have found that service is rarely convenient.  It almost never comes at the right time in my life.  It is usually something I have to drop everything else for and just go and do.  It can be so much easier to just lay in bed and wallow in my exhaustion. 
Funny thing though, when I finally get up the courage to just do it, I find myself with more energy and more love and more compassion than I started out with.  I find myself wanting to help even more. 
One of the things we are doing in Primary this year is teaching the children to "dare to choose the right".  They are each challenged every week to dare another child to do something that is right and kind and good.  Then the next week they get to tell who they dared, what they asked them to do, and whether or not they did it.   They also get to put a gumball in a jar to show all the "good dares" that they have done. 
They seem to get really involved in it and some of the dares are simple, but some have actually been pretty complicated.  So, this week, going with that theme, I am going to dare you to serve someone else.  Help to ease their heartache.  Help them to bear their sorrows.  You can choose what you do.  It can be as simple as a phone call, or a visit.  You can make a dinner or a dessert, or even a loaf of bread.  
Whatever you decide to do, put a little bit of yourself into it.  I promise that as we seek to serve others, our own doubts and fears and even pain becomes a little bit easier to bear.  
Give it a try!  I dare you!   

Sabbath day scribblings - A God of Love

Luke 9:51-56King James Version (KJV)

51 And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,

52 And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.

53 And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.

54 And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?

55 But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.

56 For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them. And they went to another village.

See also President Deiter F. Uchtdorf's talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.

What I learned - His daily guiding hand

His Daily Guiding Hand
April 2017 General Conference By M. Joseph BroughSecond Counselor in the Young Men General Presidency

 

 

"Heavenly Father knows what you and I need

better than anyone else".

 

 

 

This talk was comforting to me. 

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf explained: “Our Father in Heaven knows His children’s needs better than anyone else. It is His work and glory to help us at every turn, giving us marvelous temporal and spiritual resources to help us on our path to return to Him.”

Listen to those words: Heavenly Father knows what you and I need better than anyone else. As a result, He has developed a personal care package suited to each one of us. It has many components. It includes His Son and the Atonement, the Holy Ghost, commandments, scriptures, prayer, prophets, apostles, parents, grandparents, local Church leaders, and many others—all to help us return to live with Him someday.

I love the idea of a care package from a loving Heavenly Father.  Something is included in it that we will all need.  I am trying to teach someone about this care package and answer their questions about the gospel as they struggle with a fledgling testimony.  What a beautiful thought, that Heavenly Father has given us something that is unique and just for us.  That He knows and loves us individually. 

He talks about the commandments being part of this care package.  That they are there to protect us from harm.  Most of the troubles that I have seen in my life, come from at least a partial failure to keep the commandments.  Why is it, when we do wrong, we want forgiveness and pardon?  But when others do wrong, sometimes we want someone to say that we are better than they are?  Sometimes, people act like the commandments apply to everyone except ourselves. 

I love that Heavenly Father wants to bless us.  He wants us to come home.  He wants us to believe that we can. 

My favorite part was when he states: 

"Perhaps Heavenly Father’s greatest care package component is described in these words: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son.”

To teach us all that we must do, Jesus Christ led the way by giving the perfect example that we must try to emulate. He pleads with us with arms outstretched to come, follow Him.⁹ And when we fail, which we all do, He reminds us, “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.”

What a wonderful gift! Repentance is not a punishment; it is a privilege. It is a privilege that leads and guides us. No wonder the scriptures declare that we should teach nothing save repentance".

I wonder how many of us look upon repentance as a gift?  It is not a punishment for bad behavior.  It is our chance to change and come back to God.  It is our welcome home into His enfolding arms. 

In my pride, I wish that I were perfect.  I wish that I did not need anyone else to help me get back to Heaven.  I wish I could say that I DESERVED to go there.  But I know my sins better than anyone.  I know that I will never get there on my own.  I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father, who gave His some Jesus Christ, that I could have the opportunity to live with Him again.  There is nothing in me that deserves His love.  He gives it unconditionally and in spite of my worst behavior.  Daily in my life, I see His guiding hand leading me, guiding me and walking beside me as I struggle to find my way.  How blessed I am for His loving care package that is designed to get me safely home again. 

. 

 

 

 

Sharing trials

It is easy to be there for someone else.  It is easy for me to feel needed, wanted and valued.  It might be a great gift for my friend, but it is an even greater gift for me to participate in helping lift them and take care of their needs.  For me, the gift is in the helping.  It is in feeling needed.  It is in doing a good deed. 

I have a hard time letting others do things for me.  I have a hard time in showing that weakness to them.  In being unable to help myself. 

One of the greatest gifts I ever received was done by a loving visiting teacher.  I was pregnant with my last baby and having a very difficult time.  I was sick, I had gestational diabetes.  I was tired, I worked every day, and we had 10 children at the time, most of them lived at home.  Most of them were teenagers who were too busy to help. 

I was exhausted, not sleeping good, and overwhelmed with being pregnant and having a new baby.  My visiting teacher came over, took one look at my situation and proceeded to take all the laundry in the house.  I objected, to no avail.  She took all the laundry home and washed and dried and folded it and brought it back the next day.  I have never in my life had a gift that meant so much to me. 

It was a totally simple act of service and love.  It was not expensive, or even hard, but it meant the world to this very exhausted mother, and I am pretty sure that it was a service rendered that she also never forgot. 

There are times to serve, and also times to be served.  There are times to take care of others, and times to be taken care of.  There are times to ache, and times to heal.  There is comfort in taking care of my friends and neighbors, and also times to be comforted and cared for. 

I am convinced that part of friendship is putting your trust in others to care for you.  It is allowing them to see your weaknesses and give you their own gift of strength.  It is love in action.     

Sabbath Day Scribblings - LOVE

1 JOHN 4:7-11

7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he lovedus, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

Overwhelm the World

 

Today, I am asking myself what little bit of good is it that I am doing?  There is a part of me, that wants to do great things.  Sometimes, I really want to be an amazing person in this world.  I look at the people I admire and they have all done so much for the world around them.  Harriet Tubman, Helen Keller, Mother Theresa, Rosa Parks and so many others.  I love reading about women who have changed their own little piece of the world.  Women who made a difference in their lives by the many, many little things they did. 

I love the quote that says to "change your own small corner of the world".  I may not be able to change everything, or even most things, but if I can make it better for a few, than I will be a part of something that means so much more to me.  I believe that we each can play a small part in overwhelming the world with kindness and love, with goodness and righteousness, with hope and peace.  I believe that we can start to change things just by changing ourselves.  We can make a difference one single act at a time.  Together, we become overwhelming. 

The Face of God

One of my very favorite musicals is Les Miserables.  I love it for the story and the teachings that it provides.  I have seen the movie, the musical and read the book.  It is an amazing story of mistakes, judgments and forgiveness.  This is a line from one of my favorite songs in the musical.  It is sang at the finale with so much compassion and love.  This is the story of a man who steals to feed his sisters children, who is given 20 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread.  Who escapes and starts a new life when a priest changes the life he was living and gives him the chance to be an honest man. 

For me, it is a story about life and the mistakes we all make, and the judgments we all pass on others without knowing their story.  Sometimes we become so involved in justice, there is no room for mercy.  I believe that mercy doesn't take the place of justice, when we act, we are also choosing our consequences and sometimes those are most grievous to bear.  But I also believe that true change can take place in anyone of us and that our past should not hold us back from the possibilities of the future. 

There is not a single one of us that hasn't made mistakes, and if we could only see others as God sees them, I think we would behold all the difference. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings- Unnecessary Burden

JUDE 1:21-22

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

No Act of Kindness

 

Oh, how I love this one.  I love the way that it puts love and kindness together in one simple explanation.   I have come to learn in my life, that it is impossible to have real love without kindness; and the more kind we are to those around us, the greater our ability to love increases.  I have been growing and learning my entire life, and sometimes, kindness still eludes me.  It is easy enough to be kind when others are kind in return, it is so much harder when we are in the position of making a point, or needing information, or wanting control.  There is a part of me that is starting to see most unkindness as a means of control;  Over others, over our environment, even over life itself.

I may not be capable of, or even have the opportunity to do great things in my life, but I am capable of doing small things with great love in every aspect of the life I am living.  Even a smile can warm someone else's heart on a bad day.  Life is hard for every. single. one. of us.  Maybe at different times and different places, but it can still be very hard.  My new goal is to not make anyone else's life harder than it needs to be. 

When I think of great acts of love, I think of those who have dedicated their lives to healing the hurt of others.  I think of Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Madam Curie, and there are so many others that I can't even begin to name them all.  But none of them did one thing for one day.  They spent hours, days, weeks, months and years in the service of people.  So acts of great love don't usually happen in one moment.  They are happening around us every day through the small acts of kindness done toward others. 

I want to reek of kindness in everything I do and every action I take.  I am tired of being hurt and angry.  I am tired of being depressed and anxious.  I am tired of worrying and stressing over the next good thing I need or want, or even that someone else needs or wants from me.  For too long, I try and be kind to those who are in and out of my life, but somehow I miss out on being kind to those who put up with me and love me in spite of myself.  They need to come first, not last.

I wonder why it is so hard to keep them in "first place" in all my doings?

So, I am going to keep trying to be a little kinder and a little gentler to those around me.  I am going to try and treat them the way that they deserve.  I am going to try not to give them the leftovers of life.  I am going to try to give them many small acts of kindness with great amounts of love thrown in.  I am going to remind them of what they really mean to me.