Look Heavenward

It can be so hard for me to keep my eyes up.  I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I worry about everything and everyone.  My life, seems to be filled with constant half empty glasses.  I am trying to change that.  This year, I picked for my word of the year, PRESENT.  I know that worry is caused by focusing too much on the could happens of the future.  Worry is caused by trying to do every thing myself.  Worry is caused my holding tight to my own problems, needs, confusions, anger, resentment and fear. 
The opposite of worry is trust.  I think the only way for me to be truly present in the here and now is to trust God to take care of the future.  This is going to be a hard thing for me to accomplish.  I know it sounds easy, but it really isn't.  Life is not always fair or kind or beautiful.  Sometimes it is very, very hard.  Sometimes those hard things teach you that you can only depend on yourself and never others. 
This year, I want to be closer to Him.  I want to let go of the past and the future and more consciously live in the present.  This year, I want my yearning and searching and looking to be upward.
This year, I want to be PRESENT. 

I Am Not Perfect

I needed this one today.  I am a mom, and grandmom, who wants nothing more that to surround my children with perfection.  I want to be there when they need me, I want to know the things I should say.  I want to know the right thing to do in every situation.  I want my children and grandchildren to never, ever have to endure some of the things that I have had to.  In short, I want every single part of their lives to be better than the life that I have lived. 
It is so very difficult to watch your family have to endure the hard things.  It is so very difficult to have them not listen or pay attention to my stories of the past.  It is really awful to have them say, "It turned out alright for you, so I should be fine".  I just never imagined the amount of excuses that I would hear for my family making the wrong decisions.  I never, ever, imagined that they would still find a way for me to be responsible. 
Life is hard.  No matter how hard we try, Heavenly Father has given each of us our free agency.  He never takes that away, even when exercising that free agency brings heartbreak to your own family and friends.  We live in a world that not only wants everything, they want it right this minute.  Heavenly Father doesn't work in this moment of time.  Sometimes, He needs to wait until our experiences have grown.  He needs to wait until the answer will make sense to us.  He needs to wait until we are ready to listen. 
It is hard to feel alone in the waiting.  It is hard to feel imperfect in a world where you imagine perfection in ever corner.  It really isn't there, but we imagine it anyway, and feel totally incompetent when we compare our broken selves to others in all their imagined perfected glory. 
Funny thing about that though, not a single one of us are perfect.  Not a single one of us are exactly where we imagined we would be.  We are all broken.  We all feel alone.  We all sometimes feel unloved and unlovable.  And that is even OK as long as we can keep in in perspective. 
For the past few years, I have really had to struggle with hating another.  I have had to just learn to breathe when I know her sins.  It has made me angry to think that she still has a temple recommend and that the church does not even know what she has done to those around her.  It is hard, because in her own mind, she is without sin, without fault, without blame.  So she has been allowed to say anything she wants and slander anyone she dislikes.  I would be nice if Heavenly Father would reach out an slap her upside the head.  Seriously!!!
I know he doesn't though.  He needs me to learn to forgive this one.  He needs me to look beyond the moment and find a reason to love.  He needs me to be more Christlike and forgiving.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but oh so very necessary.  Heavenly Father does not tell us to forgive after others have forgiven us.  He does not tell us to wait for and "I'm sorry".  He does not tell us to wait for Karma or fate or anything else.  He tells us that we need to forgive, and if we don't, the greater sin lies against us. 
So I struggle daily in this desire to forgive.  Sometimes, I even come close, but then something else will happen and it all goes straight out the window of my mind. 
I am reminding myself that it is ok not to be perfect.  That that will come with time and prayer and love.  I am reminding myself that there are things that take a very long time to heal.  It isn't easy (Oh how I wish it were), but it is doable.  It will just take more time and effort than I ever imagined. 
I am not perfect, but I can do this.  One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  Until at last the anger goes away and I can accept and love Heavenly Father's child for the reasons that He does. 
Remind yourself that perfection does not come overnight, and might not even come in this life, but it will come.  As I pray, and seek and search and find, it comes.  One single moment at a time. 

Let Go and See What Happens

 

Let go.  What wonderful words.  And something that is so very hard for me to do.  I cling to things like there is no possibility of ever letting go.  The problems of others, bother me as if they were my very own.  Letting go requires action on my part and it is so very difficult to do. 
Once, many years ago, in my crazy time, I was climbing a cliff for the very first time.  Now, you should probably know that the reason I started climbing cliffs is because I was terrified of heights.  Somehow, I got in my head that climbing would help me to "let go" of my fear. 
The very first cliff I climbed, I got stuck about 3/4 of the way up to the top.  I hit a spot where I could not make the reach to go forward and I could not find the hand and footholds to go back.  I was on belay, but I did not trust the rope or my partner yet.  The fear of heights overcame me and I clung for dear life to the face of that cliff, fingers digging into the rock above and my toes clinging tight to the small ledge. 
My friend at the bottom yelled up to me "let go, Patty, just let go!"  But I could not do it.  So he sat at the bottom and waited for my fingers to give out.  When they did, I slammed into the rock, knocking the breath from my body and severely bruising my ribs in the process.  My friend slowly lowered me to the ground and helped me pick myself up.  I was unable to climb again for two more weeks because of all the contusions on my ribs and side.  But as soon as I was able, I went back up and tried again.
I have never forgotten that painful lesson on letting go.  It is so much easier on me when I make the choice to let go, rather than wait for my limbs and heart to give out in the process.  When you climb, knowing when to let go is just as important as knowing when to hang on.  You have to trust that your climbing buddy has your back.  That they are paying attention and will minimize any damage by catching you with the rope when you fall.  Because fall, you will.  As surely as day turns into night, you will have falls and injuries. 
It is an amazing feeling of accomplishment when you climb.  When you struggle to overcome a fear and succeed in spite of it.  It is wonderful to sit at the top of a difficult climb and admire the view. 
Climbing isn't only about going up, it is also on how to take the safest route back down. 
Sometimes, you just have to breathe, trust and let go.