Bigotry

 

Oh, how appropriate this quote is today.  I try not to be political on my blog or in my postings.  I try and keep an open heart and mind toward others and their beliefs and values.  But, with everything going on today all over the United States, I feel the need to address this.  There are too many things going on that are hate related. 

Hate is always wrong.  I amazes me that we spend so much time judging others, that we forget that Heavenly Father has commanded us to love them.  I have a hard time with the things that have gone on in Virginia.  I have a harder time with the acceptance of the things that are currently happening in Oregon and even in Utah. 

Don't get me wrong, I believe in free speech, but I also believe that the right to swing my fist ends where you nose begins.  Why, in this day and age, do we find it necessary to hurt others?  I get that your beliefs are different from mine, I understand that our ancestors come from different places with different ways of looking at things, but that does not excuse unkindness or outright aggression.  It does not excuse the taking of another's life or freedoms because of beliefs. 

I do not like violence.  I do not advocate it in any way or for any reason.  I especially do not like the ugliness that is spreading across our country.  I have friends from all races, and from all denominations.  I have friends who are gay and straight.  I am well acquainted with many different ways of viewing things.  I am also very embarrassed that anyone could believe they are better than someone else because of our uniqueness. 

I am not black, but I have suffered prejudices in all its ugliness.

I am not gay, but I too have been judged because of things I do differently.

I am religious, but don't believe that my right to believe that way should interfere with your right to believe however you see fit. 

My thoughts are that we should spend more time looking for ways in which we are the same, and less time looking for ways in which we can judge each others differences.

In Utah and Oregon, there are people who are putting posters around schools against other races.  There are people who want to say they are superior to others.  It actually causes me physical pain to think that someone else's children see these things on a daily basis, and believe, even if for only a minute, that they might be right.  It makes me sick to my stomach that there is anyone who would cause injury and death to another because of differences in the way we look, or believe, or are.  

I am also an EMT, and have seen  that we all bleed red.  At the very heart, we are the same.  God created each of us in His image.  He does not only claim one people, one nationality, one group, one belief.  We are all His.  Maybe, it is about time we started acting like it.   

Any Fool can do this

It can be so very hard to be forgiving.  It takes a lot of effort and work and trust to do it.  It takes a lot of prayer and desire to even try.  I have found that it is easier to carry a grudge.  But the problem is, as easy as it can be, it doesn't help me feel better.  I actually makes me feel angrier and it means that I dwell on my own thoughts and feelings a lot longer.  It become more difficult to put it aside and move one.  I have discovered that the times I don't forgive, are some of the worst times in my life.  Because I am not positive, a lot of things get me down and I struggle even more with what is going on in my world.  

I am sure that forgiveness doesn't make sense to some people.  I am equally sure that we justify it by thinking that some actions aren't worth forgiving, or should never be forgiven.  Let me just be clear, I believe that we all need forgiveness.  The Lord never quantifies sin.  He doesn't talk about how some sin is worse than others.  I am just grateful that I don't need to be judge and jury for anyone else's sins.  I have enough of my own to worry about.  I have had people do some horrible things to me and to those I love.  I have been accused of things I have never done.  I have been talked about, ridiculed and had more gossip involved around me than I ever cared to have.  However, I do not forgive people for them.  I do it for me.  Only God has the power to forgive any of us.  Only He can judge our hearts.  Only He knows whether or not there is change and true repentance.  

Since I don't know those things, I choose to forgive and not hate.  I choose to let go of my anger and hurt and humiliation.  I choose these things because I know that I need forgiveness in my own life.  I know that I am also guilty of sin.  I know that I need forgiveness and compassion just as much as anyone else.  

However, saying that, does not mean that you can always trust again.  There are some things that  are so hurtful that you have to walk away.  Forgiveness does not mean that you give anyone the chance to do abuse you again.  It means, that when you think of them, you are not destroying yourself with anger and hate.  It means that you trust God enough to know that He will somehow work it all out.  

I honestly do not know what I would do if I didn't have that kind of faith.  I believe we have a loving Father in Heaven who has walked with us every step of the journey.  He knows exactly what we have been through.  He knows our deepest, darkest secrets.  He knows our trials and our joys.  He knows our names.  

Let it Go

Trying to let go, can be one of the more difficult things to do in life.  I wonder sometimes, if I hang onto things simply because they are what I know.  Do I hang on to the past because I am afraid to move forward?  Or do I hold on just because it is familiar to me?  Is it easier to dwell on the past than to look toward the future?  Is it easier to be angry and hate than to just let it go?

My burdens can seem so heavy to bear.  It is hard to hold them all in, and it is harder still to let them go, but I know it is necessary, for my own well being, for my own happiness, for my own piece of mind.

I have found, that the older I get, the more the past intrudes on my present possibilities for happiness.  Yet, somehow, as easy as it has been in my life to forgive, I am struggling to continue to do so.  I know that forgiveness is the only way for me to be truly happy, but when bad things happen to me, I find it much easier to forgive, than when they happen in the lives of my children and grandchildren.

Burdens can be so heavy.  I feel exhausted so much of the time.  I know that I need to let them go.  I need them to dissolve or fly away somewhere else, anywhere else besides my own head and heart.  And so I struggle just to let them go.  To not hold them tight to my heart.  To not be angry or hurt.  I struggle to give them away.  To forgive. 

I let them go so that I can be free. 

Control Your Tempers

A temper can be a terrible thing to unleash on someone else.  I have learned in my life, that although physical abuse hurts, the words said in anger are the ones you never forget.  Sometimes, working with the public stretches my temper to the limits.  People are not always nice to one another.  I can't change the way anyone feels about the Post Office, but I can change the way my office treats any of the customers who walk through the doors.  I have learned that if you "kill them with kindness", you are really killing enemies and making new friends.  People usually respond better to kind words than to aggressive posturing.  

How beautiful is it to respond with kindness when someone is expecting you to be enraged.  I wish I could say that I never spoke an angry word, but I would certainly be lying through my teeth!  I can say that I am better now than I used to be, but not as good as I would like to be.  

My goal is to get to the point in my life where I never find it necessary to raise my voice in anger.  I am trying to learn to channel it a little bit better.  

Dear Abby

I love this definition of maturity.  I even remember reading it long ago.  Most of it is easy to understand and to do.  Some of it is harder.  I am pretty sure there are those among us who never master it.  For me, the hardest might be to be able to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.  Somehow, in my mind, I want things to be "fair".  I want those who have wronged me and my family to "pay".  Don't ask me what I want them to pay, because I honestly don't know, I just want everything to be fair in my life.
I am trying to reach a point where "fair" doesn't matter anymore.  Where I can trust God to met out justice and mercy in the amounts required for the other person to be able to repent and still know they are loved.  That is important to me.  I know in my own life, that I want a second chance, (sometimes even a 3rd or a 4th).  I know that I seek and want to have forgiveness.  I know how much it hurts to have people believe the bad things about me that they do.  I know, that change is possible for all of us.
It is the wanting to get even part that I struggle with.  Sometimes, I wish that I could open up the head of the offender and put inside the knowledge of what they have done.  Do they know and understand?  Or does it totally escape them?  There is a part of me that believes if they knew, they would stop making those decisions.  They would be sorry.  They would change.
However, in many instances, we have to be willing to accept an apology that we will never get.  We have to love even when we don't want to.  We don't have to like what someone does, but we do need to love them in spite of themselves.  For me, I don't get angry very often, but when I do, it can be difficult to let it go.  My focus right now is on letting go of the anger, and frustration, and the hardness of my own heart.  Letting it go and letting God have the problem.  Letting Him find the reasons to forgive.  Remembering, that no matter how I feel, we are all, each and every one, His children.  Letting Him soften my own heart and fill me with His love.

The Rear View Mirror

I think that I spend way too much time looking in the rear view mirror.  I look back because times were hard. I look back because times were happy.  I look back because times are sad.  I look back, and back again.  I am not sure what is so tempting about looking back. 
Yes, I was younger then.  Yes, my children were small, and cute, and cuddly.  Yes, there were good times then.  Yes I had to learn and grow and live and love and learn some more. 
Sometimes I dwell on the past.  Mostly on the could have, would have and should have part of it.  I ponder on what I can do to change it.  (That answer is always nothing).  I want to do whatever it takes to right those wrongs, or change the path. 
The past is not what is important though.  No matter how many good times were there, or even how many bad ones, the most important place I can be is in the here and now.  It is here that I will develop the relationships for the future.  It is here that I can make a difference in the life of another.  It is here that I can start to change and become who I want to be. 
The window into eternity is big and bright with promise.  This life is but an instant.  It is just a couple minutes in the eternities.  I spend all this time worrying and fretting over a couple of moments in my life! 
So today, I am looking through the windshield and moving on.  The future is right there in front of me, His light leads me onward and His promises have always been sure.  And so today, I take my eyes of the mirror and look ahead, through the glass and toward the future.   

Forgive them

This one is hard for me lately.  There is a part of my heart that does not want to forgive.  That part of me that is so tired of the drama and the fight and the wrongness of what others have done.  That part of me that wants to cry out, "this isn't fair!".  That is the part of my spirit that does not want to forgive.  It is the part that does not want to let go.  It is the part that wants to see Karma hard at work.  It is the unrighteous and impure part of my soul.  It is the small mindedness of revenge.
It is true that it steals your well-being.  I think that I haven't been well since the mess began.  I know that I am only hurting myself and I know that I can't change those who don't want to be changed.
I can't, but I know also that God can.  I know that only He can soften hearts.  I know that only He has the power to heal the aching.  I know that bruises fade, both on the inside and the out. 
Some people wonder how to forgive the bigger hurts.  I say, the only thing that has ever worked for me is prayer.  Pray for those who are lashing out.  Pray for those who hurt you, either accidently or even on purpose.  Pray for those who have left bruises and brokenness behind.  Pray for those who are vindictive and angry.  Pray for those who have wronged you.  Pray for them.  Pray for yourself. 
I have discovered as I continue to pray, even when it is hard, that my own heart is softened and it is easier to forgive.  It is easier to let it go.  It is easier to trust in God's justice and mercy.  As I pray, and I struggle and I overcome, I find myself letting go of the burden of hate and anger.  I find myself forgiving the offense.  I find my own heart is unburdened, my own sins are forgiven and my own soul is cleansed.  I find myself wrapped in the arms of His mercy and grace. 

Guilt and Peace

 

I am sometimes over come with guilt.  I judge myself harsher than you or anyone else could ever judge me.  I find more faults with my imperfections than anyone else I know.  I don't look at yours that way, only mine.  I am so much harder on myself and my own mistakes.  Like, somehow, I should have seen into the future to know how a person would respond.  I should have worded things differently or seen what was going to happen.  I find myself guilty in everything. 

Perhaps, that is why this quote touched me so much.  It promises that even with my guilt, I shall obtain peace.  Peace is possible for each one of us.  It is something to be desired and sought after.  It is something that might seem elusive, but actually is not.  It will happen in God's own time. 

I have found peace in many instances of my life.  I have found comfort in the words of the scriptures and in the kindness of others.  I have found peace as I seek to follow the Lord's council, even when I don't understand.  I have found peace when I finally, after fighting for so long, let go of those things that are not mine to bear.  When I give them over to His care, and let Him carry the burden. 

Peace is the opposite of anxiety.  I carry so much anxiety about the past and the future.  It is only when I am willing to let it all go that the blessing of peace comes quietly into my heart.  Peace is knowing that He has it under control.  It might not be quite the way I want it to be, but it will work out.  Peace is trusting Him. 

Life's Not Fair

It's probably my job
to tell you life isn't fair,

but I figure you already know that. 

So instead,

I'll tell you that hope is precious,

and you're right not to give up.

Bad things happen to all of us.  I wish they didn't.  It can be so hard when you are living deep in one of the valleys of despair.  It can be so easy to want to give up.  This past few years, I have been able to experience first hand how unfair life can be.  I used to tell my kids that "fair is the place you go when you want to see the pigs".  Now, I find that I need to keep reminding myself of that. 

It seems as if I get to experience life in all it's unfairness lately.  Or at least, all I can handle at this point in my life.  Hope is precious.  Hope can sometimes be all that we have left when every part of what we thought was fair is gone.  My heart aches for those who have made decisions to hurt others.  

It aches for those who are blind to the good that is in others.  My heart hurts when I think of all the love that choices have caused people to miss out on.  Most of us just want to be cared about.  We want to be  accepted for who we are.  There are those who only accept us for their own made up opinions of us.  Or maybe, they just pretend until the time comes when they don't have to pretend any more. 

I don't know any of the answers anymore.  I just know that I desperately want life to be fair.  Just for a little while. 

Luke 8:15 But that on the good ground are they, which in an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it, and bring forth fruit with patience.

So, even in the scriptures, we are counseled to have patience.   We are told to bring forth fruit with patience.  Nothing happens exactly the way we would wish it to.  We get to till the ground, plant the seeds and wait for the harvest.  It doesn't happen in a moment or a day, or even in a month.  It takes time and the harvest happens when it is supposed to. 

So today, I will wait and trust that God knows what I need.  He knows what is fair and what I have lost.  He knows who is really to blame.  And that will be enough.  I will trust His mercy and His love.  I will hope and believe with all my heart that I am right not to give up.  That, in time, all things shall be made whole. 

Controlling the Way you Respond

The last three years or so, have been hard.  There are so many things in my life that I absolutely have no control over.  Things that happen through no fault of my own, yet I am drawn out of my comfort zone and into exactly where I don't want to be, like a fish on a line, I even feel sometimes like I might be someone else's dinner!
Live can be very hard.  It doesn't change just because you want it to either.  I often find myself feeling out of control with my world.  There are people who act as if their greatest desire in life is to make me as miserable as possible. 
One of the things I am learning is that it is impossible for others to make you miserable.  It is also impossible for them to make you happy.  We are in total control of those emotions.  We choose to let others influence us, for good or bad.  We choose to let them have that kind of power over us. 
In my struggle with the demon depression in my life, I am trying to learn that I don't have to be in control of anyone else but myself. Sometimes, others actions affect me, but there is nothing that I can do about it.  One of the biggest problems that I have is that I want to be in control.  When something is wrong, I want to fix it and have it be right.  When someone is unjust, I want to show them the error of their ways and have them change their actions.  It has been incredibly hard for me to learn to let go of the monkey that belongs on someone else's back.  Especially when it has to do with my children.
I struggle with a great desire to be happy and to see those I love happy too.  But I am learning that my happiness is not dependent on the choices that others make.  I can be happy even though someone hates me.  I can be happy even though I am wronged.  I can be kind even in the face of unkindness, and most of all, I can feel gratitude to my Heavenly Father, when there is a lot around me to not be grateful for.  I am learning to find joy in the small things.  I am learning that He really does know what is going on and that He knows I am innocent of accusations and others bitterness. 
I am learning that I am not always in control of someone else.  I am in control of how I respond to them.  I get to choose to hate, or to love.  To hold a grudge or to forgive.  To be angry or loving. 
I have the power to choose, and that is helping me to change. 

Love all over again

 

Some days, I really struggle not to be angry, not to hate.  I really have learned in my life that hate is not the answer.  It only poisons the inside of me.  The other person obviously doesn't care whether I hate them or not.  The only person that it matters to is me. 

I believe that we don't have to "win" the race.  All we are supposed to do is to finish it, in honor and dignity, in testimony and worthiness.  We are not racing against each other in this life.  As a matter of fact, I think if we are not at least trying to help each other along the way, it will be much harder to finish. 

We forgive, not for the person who has caused us wrong, but for ourselves.  We forgive so that we are not consumed with the hate and the getting even and the revenge.  We forgive to let go and move on.  Heavenly Father knew how hard it would be.  We all have so many blessing to live for and be thankful for.  Being truly free is letting go and moving on and finding others to love us. 

Forgiving doesn't mean that you have to pretend it never happened.  Forgiving can absolutely be protecting your self and not putting yourself in the situations again. 

I have learned that forgiving for me is when I no longer feel angry toward the person involved.  It is when I can look at them and be sorry for their actions.  It is knowing that there are consequences for everything and believing that I don't have the power to cause the consequences.  It is trusting in God's justice and also His great mercy.  It is believing that He truly knows our hearts and that He knows our lives and our weaknesses. 

I think that I can put justice in His hands and allow Him to take care of it.  For me, that will be enough. 

 

Venting

 

Ouch!  Yep, this one just might be for me.  I have been having a hard time with forgiveness lately.  There are people in my life who have done their very best to make sure that I "pay" for what they perceive are my wrongs.  Problem is, they are not my wrongs.  So, I end up dealing with something that should not be mine to deal with and many, many other people get hurt.  So, I keep asking myself, does Jesus still love them?  The answer would be a resounding, yes. 

As a mother, I know that I love my children no matter what choices they make, no matter what trials they go through, no matter whether I agree or disagree with their life style.  I also know that loving them and accepting them is part of my calling.  I know that Heavenly Father expects that of me.  The problem comes when I am dealing with people who are not my children, who I trusted and cared about, and they manage to find the worst possible ways to hurt me and my family. 

That is really, really hard to forgive.  But having met Brother Cook, I know that he really believes we need to be more Christ-like in our lives.  We need to be less judgmental and more forgiving.  We need to become more like our Savior.  So, as hard as this lesson is to learn,  I know that I cannot vent that anger to others. 

I know that I need to conduct myself more like Christ did every single day.  I know that He did not condemn, even when people walked away, even when they mocked, even when they called for His death and imprisonment.  He loved them through their own anger and weaknesses.  He loved them in spite of themselves. 

I am not perfect, but the more I seek to become like Him, the more I feel impressed to behave likewise.  It is not enough to not say anything.  It is not enough to simmer and keep it all inside.  Somehow, I really need to learn to let it go and Love them anyway.

Remember that Jesus Himself was despised and rejected by the world.  In the Book of Mormon we read about Lehi's dream.  In that dream, those coming to the Savior also endured “mocking and pointing … fingers” (1 Nephi 8:27). “The world hath hated [my disciples],” Jesus said, “because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world” (John 17:14). But when we respond to our accusers as the Savior did, we not only become more Christlike, we invite others to feel His love and follow Him as well.  We set the example.  Maybe right now, they can not see, or don't want to see, but someday, I have to believe, they will. 

Sometimes, true disciples must show Christian courage by saying absolutely nothing at all. 

And that can be very hard indeed. 

 

We Cannot Truly Love God

 

"WE CANNOT TRULY LOVE GOD

IF WE DO NOT LOVE

OUR FELLOW TRAVELERS

ON THIS MORTAL JOURNEY".

THOMAS MONSON

 

I have never in my life had a problem with loving.  For a long time, I thought it was one of my greatest strengths.  This past couple of years, has put that in greater perspective for me.  I have had some people who have treated me pretty badly.  They have worked hard to ruin my reputation, they have placed blame where none exists, they have slandered me, bad mouthed me and pretty much treated me like I don't matter.  

For a while, I was very angry.  I used to dwell on ways to "get even".  I wanted to move, to Alaska or Canada.   Just anywhere that would be far, far away where I couldn't get hurt again.  Sometimes, I still dream of moving, but I am learning that really won't cure anything.  I still have to face myself.  I still have to be able to laugh at myself and to disagree with their spoken words.  

For me, that is a hard one.  There is always a part that plays devil's advocate.  What if a single smidgen of their words are true?  What if I have done anything that could make me be perceived as guilty.  most of all, what if I can't ever truly forgive?

This week as been a week with prayer on my knees.  I am striving to forgive those who have wronged me.  I am praying for them and for their thoughts and their prayers.  I am hoping that faith can make the difference when I cannot.  I know that I will never get and apology for all of this.  Pride can be a hard thing to bear, so part of my prayer is to learn to live with the apologies that I have never received.  

I am learning to love, even when they don't love me back.  My mind keep drifting to the savior, to those who spit upon him, to those who mocked him, to those who whipped him and placed thorns upon his head.  Yet, he pled that our Heavenly Father could forgive them, for they knew not what they were doing.  Who am I to hold a grudge in this world.  I who am so far from perfect, and who have such need of him.  Who am I  to hold the anger deep within my self and keep it walled up behind the brick and mortar of my heart?  

I am learning that I am a Daughter of God.  I am His and He is my greatest example.  I am learning to follow Him.          

 

 

Becoming Angry

"Anger does not solve anything, 

it builds nothing. 

To be angry is to yield 

to the influence of Satan. 

No one can make us angry. 

It is our choice. 

If we desire to have a 

proper spirit with us at all times, 

we must choose to refrain 

from becoming angry. 

I testify that such is possible". 

Thomas S. Monson

I have had a lot of reasons to be angry this past year.  This really spoke to my heart and reminded me that anger is really a choice.  Not only that, but it only damages us on the inside.  I know that I don't like being angry.  I do not like the person that I become when I am angry.  I don't like the way I feel, or the way I behave.  Mostly, I don't like the way that I find even more ways to stay angry.  

I have never really been a stay angry kind of person until this past year.  I have always been the quick flash and it is over, type.  I explode all at once, and then it is finished and I go on.  Now, I find myself stewing in the juices of angry, like a very unhappy pot roast that has stewed so long it has lost its tenderness and become tough and nasty.  

I find myself in the position of needing to make different choices in my life.  I really am struggling with this one.  I don't think I have ever stayed angry for so long before.  So now, I find myself on my knees with a prayer in my heart for those who have done me wrong.  I find ways to remind myself that I am not perfect either, and that I never will be in this life.  

I am reminding myself that anger is a choice.  It is taking so much heart out of me and leaving me exhausted and overwhelmed.  

It is time to cast Satan out of my heart and welcome the love of the Savior back inside.  

I choose love.  I choose peace.  I choose joy.

Becoming Like Him - Day 8 - Say

For my 31 days of writing, I am linking up over at Heading Home and over at the Nester. There are several of us that are taking the 31 day writing challenge. Kate has suggested that we spend 31 days of Five minute writing. You can use the prompts or write about anything you would like, you just need to write.

I am sharing my journey for 31 days as I strive to become more like Him. My prayer is that you can find hope and peace in my words.

Titus 3:8 This is a faithful saying, and these things I will that thou affirm constantly, that they which have believed in God might be careful to maintain good works. These things are good and profitable unto men.

START

When I was a child, I heard many cruel and awful things directed at me.  I decided long ago, that I would not call others names like that.  I learned that the things that are said, sometimes hurt much more than the things that are done to you.  The words live on in my head.  Sometimes, I hear them still when I am having a bad day.  I never wanted to do that to my own children.  But often, I haven't known what to say instead.  I have really struggled with how to handle anger and what to do when I have those feelings.
I have wondered what a faithful saying really sounds like.  And then I read this scripture the other day when I was thumbing through the Bible.  I love the idea that a faithful saying is something you affirm constantly.  It is not a sometimes thing.  It is not something that hurts those who are listening.  I also love that part of a faithful saying is really Good Works.  So often, I meet people who wonder where God is in their lives.  They don't believe or even try to believe.  They forget that part of faith is really doing something.  It is more than a belief.  It is action in it's purest form.  I think that is why faith comes one simple step at a time.  Each step brings us a little closer to God.  Each thing we think and say and do, matters.  Especially when it is uplifting.
I wonder as I read this if all the things I am doing could be affirmed constantly.  I am sure the answer to that would be "no".  So as I continue on this 31 day journey, I am seeking to do the things that I can be happy about.  Things for myself as well as things for others.  Things that are good.  I want to remember to watch the words that I say.  Often, it is not the words themselves that hurt, it is the tone I use when I am upset or angry.  I want to make the things I say mean something good to those whose hearts I might touch.

STOP

Patience and a Hike

A moment of patience

In a moment of anger

saves you a hundred moments

of regret.

We went hiking several weeks ago, around a lake called Willow Springs.  It was supposed to be a 3.5 mile hike, but since the girls picked the trail, it ended up being closer to six miles.  Not on flat ground mind you, but over rocks and through brush and in holes and around obstacles.  I really did not think that I was going to make it.  I thought they just might need to send an indian travois back to drag me home.  

My mind could imagine that it would take about ten girls or so to get me back.  I never imagined in my wildest dreams that my feet would hurt so much.  I think I sprained areas that I never knew existed.  

I was, of course, last.  My two girls were with me, one on each side holding me up and helping me around the last two miles of trail.  The girls were angry because every single time we caught up with the group, the group would start off an leave again without giving me a chance to rest.  

This was an important lesson for my sweet daughters.  Sometimes, anger is not the best way to handle things.  You see, if I would have stopped, I think that I would not have been able to get going again.  Heavenly Father knew that, even if my daughters did not.  So, I kept walking and walking, and walking and stumbling and stumbling and stumbling some more.  

When we finally made it to the picnic area, I was done for the day.  I could literally not walk anymore.  I could wobble, but not walk.  My girls were still angry, but I let them know how I felt, and how grateful I was for all their help, and how much it helped me to make the journey because of their positive attitudes.  I needed them there that day.

I could have been angry, I never was, but I suppose I could have felt left out, left behind and out of the crowd and angry if I would have focused on that.  Instead, I did nothing but praise every single  one of those amazing girls who managed that hike.  They were all troopers, but especially my own two girls who were willing to be my little "hiking sticks", one of each side as I kept putting one foot after another.  

I have no regrets.  My feet still hurt, I had to get new shoes, and I don't know when I will actually feel better, but that is ok.  There are still no regrets and no sorrows.  

I am grateful for that beautiful day of hiking and kayaking and sisterhood.  

What God Knows

What God knows about me

Is more important

Than what others

 Think about me.  

It has been an interesting month. I went back in for surgery on both my arms. I just had to go to the hospital with "Santa". All the nurses and visitors just had to come and look.  Everything went well, all the metal is out of my one arm, and the tendon in my other was also repaired, so for the first time in a very long time, I am nearly pain free.  That is a good thing.  

Just before my surgery, someone drove into my Post Office, literally.  It made quite the mess and has taken a few weeks to clean up.  The week before, the pipes burst in the attic.  Two completely separate cleanups and four different crews of men. I never knew so many people in my small town could think so badly of me.  It has been hard.  I have been flipped off, sworn at, yelled at, complained about and pretty generally dished all around.  

It has been hurtful and disappointing to say the least.  

I have actually been surprised about how angry people can be over a situation that was not our fault in the first place.  Yet, we live in a society where inconvenience in a real anger issue.  I have really had to work on believing the best of myself and also of not getting angry back.  

It has been a loooooong three weeks.  

Finally, today, nearly all the work is done and the building can be opened again after hours so that people can get their mail all day long. 

I have had some experience thinking about the difference between what God thinks of me and what the town thinks of me.  My Heavenly Father knows exactly who I  am.  He knows my name, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my strengths.  He knows how I respond, who I am right now, and even who I want to be.  

Sometimes, I think the hardest thing to do is to accept who you are and where you are within yourself.  To recognize that you are not, and never have been, who others think you are.  That their opinions aren't what is important as you live your life.  The One whose opinion matters most of all, already accepts you and loves you for yourself.  He will mold you, lift you and magnify you if you will only hold your head up, your arms out, and walk with Him.  

He knows that which is most important of all.

He knows who I can become.    

Bad Moods and Bad Words

Don't mix bad words with a bad mood.  

You will have many opportunities to change your mood, 

but you will never get the opportunity 

to change the words you spoke. 

In my own life, I wish I would have found this one thought sooner.  I have learned that you can regret so easily the words you speak in anger, but you will never regret the words you don't speak when you are angry.  I don't like to speak in anger.  The tone of my voice is not kind, the way I say the words is not kind, the words I speak escalate my feelings into even more anger. For me it is better to be silent.  It is better to wait and speak when the anger is gone.  It is better to think first and speak later.  
Many years ago, I used to be a "yeller", the only way that I thought I could get the attention of my children was to yell at them.  Granted, I had never in my life been taught differently, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish those words were unsaid.  I never called them names, but I did not speak to them as I would speak to my Heavenly Father.  They were His children long before they were mine.  I wish I could have gained just a little wisdom earlier in my life.
Today, I don't yell very often.  Mostly I ask, sometimes I tell, sometimes I give a choice.  But I have learned to watch my words and the way that I say them.  I am a better mother now that I don't yell.  I am a better wife.  I have changed my mood, but I really wish I could go back and change all the words.  

Five Minute Friday - Listen

So, here’s the skinny: every Friday for over a year hundreds of people have joined a kind of writing flash mob over at Lisa Jo's Place.  
We write for five minutes flat. All on the same prompt.

No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation.

Unscripted. Unedited. Real.

Your words. This shared feast.

How to Join:

It’s easy to join in, just:

1. Write a post in only five minutes on that topic on your blog (or in the comments at Lisa Jo's if you don’t have a blog).
2. Link back over at Lisa Jo's place and invite friends to join in.

Our most important requirement for participation: There’s really only one absolute, no ifs, ands or buts about it Five Minute Friday rule: you must visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community.

So join us now as we write about the prompt:::::

Listen…

START

"The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent".  

I try to remember that.  My life is full of loud.  Loud TV's, loud music, loud voices, loud people at work.  Sometimes it seems as if it is impossible to hear silence in all the noise.  
Today, I was loud.  I didn't listen when you were frustrated.  I just got frustrated right back at you.  I couldn't find the silence that I needed to hear your meaning behind the noise your words made.  
It is my fault, I know.  I am the grownup and you are still a child, even if sometimes, you think you know more than I will ever know.  It is my job as your mother, your example, and as someone who loves you unconditionally, to just listen to your heart, even when your words cover the meaning of the beats.  Even when the noise of the world is so deafening around us.  
I am working on patience my daughter.  I was struggling so hard today, to just breath in and out and think calm noises, that I didn't listen to what was important to you, right that minute.  
I wanted instead for you to know what was important to me.  I wanted you to know that I am not a complete failure, that I did not forget you.  That I knew what needed to be done.  I wanted you to know that you are loved and wanted and needed.  
I got so busy and mixed up with my own noise, that I forgot to be silent when it mattered most.  I forgot to stop planning the reply and listen, really listen just to understand your amazing heart.  
Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling...it is a joy...it is my passion.  It is, above all, a beautiful blessing.  
Every single word you speak is worth my attention and my silence as I listen.  

STOP

Leaving a Mark

"It is very sad to me, that some people 

are so intent on leaving their mark 

upon the world, that they don't care 

if their mark is a scar."  

Joe Greene

I really like this quote.  It has been 11 years since the Rodeo-Chediski fire here in the White mountains.  In many places around my town, you can still see the burn areas.  The undergrowth is coming back, there are now small trees and bushes, but the scars from the fires remain.  

As sad as the fire is, to me it is even sadder that so many people try to make themselves look better at the expense of someone else.  There is so much gossiping, backbiting, and even sheer making things up so that you wear the white hat and someone else wears the black hat.  It seems to be nearly impossible in our culture for people to have different opinions.  I can't even begin to tell you how difficult it can be to deal with people who think their way is the only way, and they are always right.  

It is sad to me that the only way they are happy is when they are causing someone else pain.  I don't know how to deal with that, I don't know how to fix it for them, I don't know even what to do except to try and just let it go.  It is why I get tired of listening to politics, and trials and the news.  Everyone has their own opinions of what is right and wrong, and if you don't believe the same, than you are just, well, wrong.  

So, the next time I want to disagree with someone, if it is not a regulation or a law, than I am going to try and just listen, let them vent, and hope that they walk away happy afterwards.  After all, I get to choose if I want to have the scar or not.  I am going to choose to let it go, right out the door and down the street!  And maybe, we will both leave our marks just a little bit better, without the scar.