Don't let it be you!

It is very easy for me not to judge others most of the time.  There are few people that I can't forgive.  I am they type of person that when I get hurt by someone else, I always try and look at both sides.  Somehow, I come up lacking and it is easier to forgive than to judge.  However, when it comes to judging myself, I take all the things I know about me, and compare myself to everyone else at their Sunday best.  I don't come out on top. 
I work in retail and there are days it feels like nearly everyone is against me.  I have been yelled at, sworn at, called names, criticized and condemned for things I didn't even do.  I love having the customers that have real problems come in and actually talk to me instead of yelling at me, or calling my boss to complain.  I find myself more eager and willing to help them then the ones who only want to criticize. 
I think most of that is because I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.  I see everything that I do wrong and I don't like myself when I make bad choices.  This quote touched me today, because I find it easy to come down hard on myself when others are hard on me.  I believe I have failed even when only one person feels that way.  I look at the things I do and dislike myself for making any mistakes.  I want so much to be perfect, but I am not.
We all have struggles in life.  We all have trials and make mistakes.  We all choose wrong over right once in a while.  But He atoned for every sin that we have ever done or will ever do.  The price has already been paid.  He loved you so much that He did not want to spend eternity without you.  No matter who criticizes you, no matter who condemns you, no matter who judges you, don't ever let it be you!        

He Chose

This one hit me hard today.  I sometimes still struggle with feeling good about myself.  I struggle with feeling doubts and fears.  I struggle with feeling good enough, or righteous enough, or even worthy enough.  Lately, my struggle has been even more personal.  I am struggling with forgiving enough. 

It is easy to feel like I am not what I should be.  It is easy to let myself get swallowed up in thoughts of depression and anxiety.  It is easy to doubt myself.  It is even easier to look at my own sins and doubt that there is any forgiveness for one such as I.  

I have to remember that He already paid the price and that I am included in that.  I have to quit condemning myself for things I have already repented of.  I have to learn to let go and trust His mercy and His love.  

Something happened yesterday that really made me think.  I was talking to someone about forgiveness and the difficulty that I am having forgiving one person.  He asked me if I could forgive the fact that they were ill and not in their right mind.  He wondered if I could allow myself to not look at them as if they are whole, but to look at them as if they are mentally challenged.  (they are, and hopefully I can).  

Looking at sin as a result of an illness is slightly easier for me to accept and might allow me to have the peace in my heart that my Heavenly Father has always intended for me to have.   Peace doesn't mean I have to give anyone permission to hurt me.  It doesn't mean that I can't be sad it happened and that I have to trust someone who has never gotten any help for their illness.  It just means that I can put my trust in Heavenly Father and let Him judge.  

Jesus chose the nails, for you, for me and even for people we don't like very much.  He chose the nails so that we would all have the chance to repent and live with Him again.  We could not and can not ever do it alone.  He loved us enough to choose the suffering and the nails.                                           

Grace

So often, I struggle to feel like I am worthy of His Grace.  Like it could even be possible for one like me.  I know that Grace is the help or strength given through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. Through the grace of God, everyone who has lived will be resurrected—our spirits will be reunited with our bodies, never again to be separated. Through His grace, the Lord also enables those who live His gospel to repent and be forgiven.  Through His grace, we have the chance to become stronger and more worthy.  Strong like the ocean.  It rushes toward the shore and bends with the wind and weather.  It holds life within and without.  It provides a home and a peace for all who wonder there.  

The grace of God helps us every day. It strengthens us to do good works we could not do on our own. It guides us to find ways to be better and to do better.  The Lord promised that if we humble ourselves before Him and have faith in Him, His grace will help us overcome all our personal weaknesses (see Ether 12:27).That is His promise.  We can do this.  We can become strong in Him.  His Grace is sufficient for each one of us, no matter what our past has been, no matter what mistakes we have made, no matter who we once were.  His Grace is enough.  

Butterfly Healing

This short quote is so meaningful to me.  I have come to discover that some healing cannot and does not take place here upon the earth.  We can't understand everything for one thing, we see things as they are right this moment and in just this place.  We cannot see through the glass of eternity clearly.  The things from before and the things to come are hidden from our view.
We are eternal beings caught in a very literal slice of time.  So our focus is in the here and now.  Our hearts want to think eternally, but our heads tell us to be right in this moment.  Because we can't see into the eternities, and we don't remember our Heavenly Home, we don't realize how very much the atonement will wash away, not only each of our sins, but also our grief and suffering, our sorrows and pain.  He will heal us in every way.  He will make us whole.
I know that there are some things that cannot heal at this time in my life, and I am learning to be OK with those things.  I know that the time will come when I will see all things clearly.  When I will understand and comprehend the gift that He offers me.  For now, I am learning to trust, to wait, to allow, to be.  For now, I can wait to become.  

Who we are becoming

What a comfort it is to my heart to read this today.  I am pretty sure that every one of us has something in our past we are ashamed of.  We have all made mistakes.  We have all chosen the wrong path.  We have all lived in this crazy mixed up world.
Why is it so hard to forgive ourselves for our past mistakes?  Even after we repent, our hearts and minds keep turning back the page and wallowing in the "who we once were", past.  It is like we see the atonement as something that applies to everyone else except ourselves.  Like we are exempt from the grace that is promised to us.  And the Lord's hands that reach out to comfort us. 
With all the things going on in the world today, I find it even more necessary to forgive myself for my past mistakes.   It becomes even more necessary to live in the present than in the past.  It becomes more meaningful.  I have a difficult time in letting go of what has happened.  Not so much the things that others have done to me, but the things that I have done to myself or to others.  I find it hard to forgive the child, the youth or even the adult for the mistakes of the past, even when I have truly repented of them and not repeated them. 
I am unsure of what makes it nearly impossible for me to accept the Lord's atonement in my own behalf.  It is like there is a voice in my head telling me that I will never be good enough for His love.  I have noticed that it is much easier to forgive others and passionately defend their right to repent, than it is to forgive myself.  The adult in me expects the five year old child that I was to have known better. 
I have learned that depression is living too much of our lives in the past.  It robs us of the present with it's whispers of "should have", "could have", and "would have".  My present is so mixed up in the past that I find it hard to put it all aside.  I am sure that the Savior who suffered so much for my sins, is sad when I can't find it within myself, to extend the law of mercy to even such as I. 
My goal for this week is to be a little kinder to myself.  To appreciate the present moments.  To love myself a little more and protect myself a little less.  To allow myself to learn from my mistakes instead of condemning me for them. 
It is a comfort for me to know and understand that the Lord forgives and forgets.  He doesn't hold the past against me.  He wants me to grow and become who I am supposed to be.  May we all strive just a little bit harder to be a little bit kinder to ourselves.  We are always worth His Love. 

Walking into a Church

Billy Graham has said many times: “Walking into a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than walking into a garage

makes you a car.”  

I love, love, love this saying.   It reminds me that we are made up of what we DO, and not so much because of where we ARE right this minute.  It also reminds me that Christians are more than just beliefs, they are designated by their behavior toward every one of God's sons and daughters.  It reminds me that my family is more than just my biological family or my church family.  My family encompasses friends, neighbors and even those who are hard to love.   

I suspect, that at various times in our lives, we are all a little hard to love.  I also suspect that there are times when each one of us behave in a very unchristian-like way.  We want to be a BMW, but instead, we are more like the common gremlin!  No matter how cool the outside looks, inside we are what we are.  And that person shows through, no matter how we disguise the outside.  Who we become, is the result of our choices. 

We all get to choose the person we become.  We do it each day through hundreds and thousands of individual decisions that we make.  We may not choose exactly what happens to us, but we choose how we react to it.  We might not get to choose the path we are on, but we choose what we see and what we realize.  We choose how we see the world that is around us.  Every choice we make brings us farther away, or closer to, the person that we want to become. 

So, maybe walking into the church doesn't make you Christian, but choosing to stay there, choosing to change, choosing to become, does.    And for me, the most wonderful part of this is that, although we can't change the past, every one of us has the ability to rewrite our futures.  We start today and use the Atonement for our good.  We repent, we grow, we change, we become. 

Isn't it wonderful, that we have a Father in Heaven, who loves us enough to provide a way for each of us to arrive home.  Our paths might be different.  Our pasts might be completely opposite, but none of us are forgotten on this journey.  He cares for each of us individually.  He gives us what we need to grow, and allows us to experience joy in our journey, no matter how rocky the path.   

Take joy in your trials

James 1:2-5

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

This one is so very hard for me.  It is not that I don't want to be joyful, but sometimes I can't see myself out of the hole that I seem to be in.  You climb a mountain, only to find a bigger one waiting for you on the other side.  Sometimes, there really is joy, but often, my spirit only sees the difficulties. 
I can honestly say, that if I had to do it all over again, I would probably do most of the same things.  I might not wish those trials upon anyone else, but they have helped to mold me and shape me into the person that I am today.  If I changed those things, my question would be, would I somehow lose the essence of myself. 
I like the person that I have become most of the time.  I strive not to hurt others, I volunteer to help, I work hard at improving the lives of others.  I still do a lot wrong.  I don't want to sound perfect because I am not.  I still have days and hours where it takes every bit of my energy just to go to work, and when I come home, I can only fall into bed.  There is no strength left for anything else.  There are nights when I can't sleep.  There are times when the past reaches out and holds me tight in it's grip of "if only's and what if's".  Sometimes it gets overwhelming, yet when I look at the person I have become, I am grateful for my trials.  They gave me my strengths. 
I am not sure that I like working toward patience very much.  It always means more trials, but I would like to have patience in faith and understanding.  I would like to not need to know everything right this moment.  I would like to wait upon the Lord's time.  And so, although joy sometimes escapes me, I will look for it in all my temptations and short comings.  I believe that Heavenly Father sent us here to have joy.  He wants us to find that joy in the midst of whatever place we are in.  I don't believe that joy only comes in the life hereafter.  I think it is supposed to be for us, here, today.  
So today, I am going to find joy in the small moments.  In the things I don't want to take for granted.  Today, my cup will be full.    

Let Love conquer

Darn, I did not want to read this one.  Sometimes, I just want to know that I have been wronged.  That someone has not been kind, or loving, or even very nice.  I don't want to conquer my pride.  I don't want to set it aside.  I don't want to feel weak and helpless.  Sometimes, I just want the person that did all the hurting to pay the consequences of their sin. 
But I try and listen when those loving me speak.  I try and pay attention.  And I even know their words are for me.  As hard as it is, these words tell me that I need to let go.  That I am also in the wrong.  There is a scripture that reminds me of this.

Matthew 6:14-15

 14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Sometimes, I just want to be angry.  I want  to pour oil on the fire and fan the flames.  I want someone to pay for what has been done.  Sometimes, retribution sounds so much better than forgiveness. 

And then I remember the healing that came with His blood.

The power of His Atonement and sacrifice. 

The strength of His love. 

I am content to let the water of forgiveness wash away the fire of revenge. 

I am content to let His Healing was away the pain.

I am content to put in all in His Hands.

What I learned - The Master Healer

You don’t have to experience the sorrow caused by sin, the pain caused by others’ actions, or the painful realities of mortality—alone.

The Master Healer by Carole Ann Stephens

I loved this talk.  It was a totally amazing example of what I need to do most. 

“Is there something specific that women should focus on?”

I answered, “Yes!” as President Russell M. Nelson’s talk “A Plea to My Sisters” entered my mind. President Nelson taught, “We need women who have a bedrock understanding of the doctrine of Christ.”

Nephi described the doctrine of Christ this way:

“For the gate by which ye should enter is repentance and baptism by water; and then cometh a remission of your sins by fire and by the Holy Ghost. …

“And now … I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.

“… This is the way; and there is none other way nor name given under heaven whereby man can be saved in the kingdom of God. And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ.”

I love that the Master Healer of us all, can help to heal the pain when others are responsible for our hurts.  He knows what it is to be betrayed by friends.  He knows what it means to feel all alone.  He knows our hearts and our minds and our grief.  I love that we don't have to be responsible for the sins of others.  We can have compassion for them and love them, but we don't have to take their sins upon ourselves.  We can turn it all over to Him who truly knows our hearts and our minds. 

I am sure that I am making this sound easy.  In reality, it is not.  It is hard to watch others stumble and fall, especially when we love them.  It is hard to forgive when our hearts are aching and angry and hurt and afraid.  I love that He can take all that away and provide peace in our darkest moments.  We do not have to carry our burdens alone.  Lean on Him. 

Bringing Light - Women's Conference

I

 
Will Bring the Light of the Gospel into My Home

Jean B. Bingham
First Counselor in the Primary General Presidency

 

Oh how I loved this talk!  Since I  am now doing the music in primary, I was prepared for the talk to "speak" to me specifically.  I didn't plan on how very much I needed to hear what Sister Bingham was saying. 

I love how she states that it is our obligation and privilege is to embrace improvement in everyone as we strive to become more like our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I love that it is a privilege to embrace improvement and not judge.  I know that I have sinned in my life, I have children who have struggled with arduous difficulties.  It is a comfort to me to think of becoming more Christ-like in my own actions as well as watching as others work to become that way also. 

I especially loved her question, "As sisters (and brothers) in Zion, will we commit to “all work together … to do whatsoever is gentle and human, to cheer and to bless in [the Savior’s] name”?

Can we, with love and high hopes, look for and embrace the beauties in others, allowing and encouraging progress? Can we rejoice in the accomplishments of others while continuing to work toward our own improvement?"

These were and are wonderful questions to me.  I often feel like so many people are competitive, instead of kind and cutthroat instead of caring.  What a wonderful idea to embrace the accomplishments of others. 

Yes, we can bring the light of the gospel into our homes, schools, and workplaces if we look for and share positive things about others and let the less-than-perfect fade away. Isn't that what the Savior does with each of us?  Doesn't He focus on what is good about us?  What is worth redeeming?  If we all had to get back to Him without His grace and mercy, not a single one of us would make it. 

What gratitude fills my heart when I think of the great gift of repentance that our Savior, Jesus Christ, has made possible for all of us through His infinite atonement.  We who have inevitably sinned in this imperfect and sometimes very difficult world!

How grateful I was to hear these words of wisdom today to remind me to walk more closely with Him and work together one with another to become more like Him in all my ways. 

 

1. As sisters in Zion, we'll all work together;

The blessings of God on our labors we'll seek.

We'll build up his kingdom with earnest endeavor;

We'll comfort the weary and strengthen the weak.

 

2. The errand of angels is given to women;

And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim:

To do whatsoever is gentle and human,

To cheer and to bless in humanity's name.

 

3. How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,

If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.

Oh, naught but the Spirit's divinest tuition

Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.

He can make us whole

 

 

We are all broken.  No matter if it "appears" like we come from perfect families.  No matter if others know our burdens.  No matter what people think of us, or how they judge us.  No matter what sins or mistakes we have made in our messy, mixed up lives.  We are still broken.
Life is messy!  No matter what we do, things will go wrong.  Sometimes it is because of someone else's choices, sometimes it is because of our own choices, and sometimes, it is just a part of living life.  It is easy to play the blame game and look for someone else to be at fault for our problems. 
I think most of us really WANT to be good people.  We want to make the right decisions and do the right things.  We really want to live a good life and make things better for ourselves and our families.  But no matter how hard we try, things invariably go wrong.  And just like our children's play toys, we become broken in the process. 
One of the biggest reasons that I am so very grateful that there will only be one person who judges me.  He knows my life story.  He knows the wrinkles on the paper and the tears in the book.  He knows that I am doing the best I can with what I have been given.  To me, it isn't always enough, but in Him, I find hope that it can be. 
And so, I turn my life over to the Master Carpenter of us all.  He can shape me, mold me and even build me to be the person I was meant to become.  He can take my trials and turn them into blessings.  It is still hard.  But I believe He doesn't just make a difference in my life, He makes ALL the difference. 

He can overcome our individual and collective broken-ness. He can mead our hearts and heal our pain.  He can bring blessings out of sorrow.  He is the Good Shepherd, and the Divine Redeemer. 
He can and will make each one of us whole. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings - The Refiner's Fire

Some time ago, a few ladies met in a certain city to read the scriptures and make them the subject of conversation. While reading the third chapter of Malachi they came upon a remarkable expression in the third verse. “And He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”

One lady's opinion was that it was intended to convey the view of the sanctifying influence of the ...grace of Christ. Then she proposed to visit a silversmith and report to them what he said on the subject. She went accordingly and without telling the object of her errand, begged to know the process of refining silver, which he fully described to her.

“But Sir,” she said, “do you sit while the work of refining is going on?” “Oh, yes madam,” replied the silversmith, “I must sit with my eye steadily fixed on the furnace, for if the time necessary for refining be exceeded in the slightest degree, the silver will be injured.”

The lady at once saw the beauty, and comfort too, of the expression, “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.”

Christ sees it needful to put His children into a furnace. His eye is steadily intent on the work of purifying, and His wisdom and love are both engaged in the best manner for them. Their trials do not come at random; “the very hairs of your head are all numbered.”

As the lady was leaving the shop, the silversmith called her back, and said he had still further to mention, that he only knows when the process of purifying was complete, by seeing his own image reflected in the silver.

Beautiful example! When Christ shall see His own image in His people, His work of purifying will be accomplished.

Author Unknown

One side of the story

So many people take sides.  We take sides based on who we like, or who we don't.  We take sides based on what we hear, or what we are told.  We take sides because we only know part of the story.  It is too easy to judge based on which side you hear.  It is too easy to be in the wrong, when we don't value someone enough to listen. 

I love the story of Solomon and the baby.  Two women went before his judgment seat.  They had both had a baby.  One of the babies had died and one lived.  Both women claimed the living baby was their own. 

After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He decided that there was only one fair solution: the living son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Oh Lord, give the baby to her, just don't kill him!" The woman who lied, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!"
The king declared the first mother as the true mother, as a true, loving mother would rather surrender her baby to another than hurt him, and gave her the baby. King Solomon's judgment became known throughout all of Israel and was considered an example of profound wisdom.
Both women wanted to be right, but one was willing to be wrong in order for the baby to live.  King Solomon was able to listen to both sides of the story and reach a fair and just decision.  What an example for the rest of us. 
No matter what we believe, or how much we hurt, or what has happened to us, there are always two sides to every single story.  Often, both sides have hurt and heartache.  When we jump to conclusions and judge, we risk never finding out the truth.  We risk supporting others in their lies and jealousy.  We risk condemning the wrong party. 
How grateful I am that the only person I have to worry about judging me is the Lord.  He alone knows my thoughts and my heart.  He knows my innocence and even my guilt.  He knows everything about me, including why I am the way that I am.  With Him on my side, I don't have to worry so much about the opinions of others.  With Him in my Heart, I know that the truth will someday come out and that, in ways I don't yet understand, All will be well. 
So, for now, my prayer is that we will all learn to listen to the story in it's entirety and not just one side of it. 

Stand Where it is Shining

A few years ago, we were camping on the Rim and it was pretty cold.  Even with the camp fire blazing, the air was chilly.  One of the girls was complaining about how cold she was, and her bother told her that if she wanted to be warm, she needed to go stand in the sunshine.  So she did, and she warmed up and spent the rest of the day happily playing in the crisp mountain air. 

I wonder how often I forget in my own life, that if I want to feel the light on my face, I need to stand where it is shining.  It doesn't do me any good to stay indoors, or sit in the shade.  If I want the light in my life, I need to bask in it.  I think the Savior works the same way for us.  If we want to feel His light in our lives, we need to stand in His influence.  We need to do what is right, we need to read and listen to His words, we need to obey His commandments. 

We all have times that we question and struggle, He has never told us not to question things, but in with the questions, we still have to be willing to step into His light.  We have to give Him the chance to answer. 

When I think of the way the Savior dealt with questions during His life here upon the earth, I don't recall an instance where he turned anyone away.  He might have sat and thought about it for a moment.  He might have given an answer that they did not want to hear, or that they did not understand at that time, but He always answered them. 

He does the same thing today.  I have received many answers to prayer.  Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no, and sometimes it is not this moment.  Sometimes I don't want the answer I am given, especially when it is painful.  But there is still an answer if I am willing to hear it. 

He wants to be part of our lives.  He suffered for our sins.  He knows our names.  He loves each and every one of us, but if we want Him in our lives, we have to walk into His light.  When we do, He will be there waiting.  His light will touch our hearts, and bring peace to our troubled minds.  His light will be the light in the darkness that cannot be hid.  It will enfold us in the arms of His love. 

Fighting against my shadow

Sometimes, I feel like I am fighting against my own shadow.  Twisting and turning in a battle against my two selves.  There is the part of me that is fine.  That does okay, that gets along with others.  I would call it my Sunday face.  The face the world sees.  The one that people think they know.

Then there is the shadow me, the me that lives deep inside, the me that no one else can see.  The me that isn't really real, but feels that way.  It is the me that judges myself too harshly, the one who sees all my darkness, the one who can never forgive herself.  The one who struggles and juggles and tries.  The one who fails.  Sometimes if feels as if I forever and losing that battle.  I am forever failing.  And even if it is supposed to be imaginary, it really doesn't feel that way. 

I have decided that we all battle against our own shadows.  We all struggle to become what it is we think we want to be.  We all try our best and, at times, end up failing miserably.  Thank goodness that there is one who doesn't fail.  There is one who takes all those trials of ours and, through grace, makes our brokenness whole once again. 

I have learned that we are all broken in some way or another.  We all struggle to define ourselves.  We all come up short.  It is only as we draw closer to the Savior that we truly find ourselves.  That we start to see the shadow is only a shadow.  It is not real, and it never will be.  Who we are is so much more than that shadow person. 

Like the shadow in Peter Pan, whom Wendy sewed together with a needle and thread, the shadows of our beliefs are absorbed and then sewn together with the Savior's love, until what we have left is so much more than we ever thought was possible.  Our damaged bits and pieces are mended in His expert hands.  We are put back together one thread of love at a time, until we stand before Him whole at last. 

We can't do it.  We never have been able to do it.   But He can.  As we draw closer to Him, He embraces our hearts and changes us, until in the end, there is no more shadow, we become only His. 

Forgive them

This one is hard for me lately.  There is a part of my heart that does not want to forgive.  That part of me that is so tired of the drama and the fight and the wrongness of what others have done.  That part of me that wants to cry out, "this isn't fair!".  That is the part of my spirit that does not want to forgive.  It is the part that does not want to let go.  It is the part that wants to see Karma hard at work.  It is the unrighteous and impure part of my soul.  It is the small mindedness of revenge.
It is true that it steals your well-being.  I think that I haven't been well since the mess began.  I know that I am only hurting myself and I know that I can't change those who don't want to be changed.
I can't, but I know also that God can.  I know that only He can soften hearts.  I know that only He has the power to heal the aching.  I know that bruises fade, both on the inside and the out. 
Some people wonder how to forgive the bigger hurts.  I say, the only thing that has ever worked for me is prayer.  Pray for those who are lashing out.  Pray for those who hurt you, either accidently or even on purpose.  Pray for those who have left bruises and brokenness behind.  Pray for those who are vindictive and angry.  Pray for those who have wronged you.  Pray for them.  Pray for yourself. 
I have discovered as I continue to pray, even when it is hard, that my own heart is softened and it is easier to forgive.  It is easier to let it go.  It is easier to trust in God's justice and mercy.  As I pray, and I struggle and I overcome, I find myself letting go of the burden of hate and anger.  I find myself forgiving the offense.  I find my own heart is unburdened, my own sins are forgiven and my own soul is cleansed.  I find myself wrapped in the arms of His mercy and grace. 

Being a Victim

I have been a victim in my life.  It is not something I like to talk about or even remember.  I actually prefer to not think about those times.  So much so, that I really don't remember a lot of things about my childhood and even parts of my adulthood.  Occasionally I worry that I have a true memory problem because so much is a blank. 

But, because of it, I know what it is like to be angry.  I know what it is like to want others to suffer like they have made me and mine suffer.  I know what it is like to want life to be fair and just.  I know what it means to desire justice for someone who has wronged me.  Because of all I have been through, I also know what it is like to truly forgive.  I know how it feels when the burden is lifted off of my own shoulders.  I know what a miracle forgiveness can be, not only for the person who has wronged me, but for myself. 

It is amazing how much relief I can feel when I turn it over to the Lord.  If I can't trust Him, who can I trust?  I know that only He can know when someone has really repented.  If they do not, than it is up to Him to judge.  He will do it fairly and lovingly.  And isn't that all any of us can ask for? 

I know in my own life that I have also sinned.  I am sure that I have hurt someone else's feelings or caused pain.  I know that I want to be forgiven of my own sins.  I know that the atonement was for each and every one of us so that we can be forgiven.  I really believe that if I want the atonement to work for me, I have to also allow it to be utilized for those who have hurt me. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think that Heavenly Father expects us to pretend that some things never happened.  Even though there is forgiveness, there are still consequences.  The Lord does not take those away.  We still need to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe and secure. 

So, I use my own attitude to help me determine if I have forgiven or if I still need to pray and work harder on it.  If I can think about the person and the act without getting angry and hurt all over again, than I have finally let it go.  If I can love the person in spite of their shortcomings, than I have forgiven.  Then I can move on with grace and gratitude for His love and forgiveness in my own life.  If I still get angry and hurt, then I have found it helps to pray for the person, sometimes several times a day, until those feelings pass.

The one thing I have discovered is that usually the person who hurt me, doesn't care how I feel about them.  I don't hurt them to stay angry, I only hurt myself.  I tear myself up inside wanting revenge instead of turning it over to the Lord and feeling His peace. 

I don't know about you, but peace seems to be a much more welcome answer for me.  I am reminded of the words to one of my favorite hymns,

 

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

What I learned - Drawing Closer to Him

That I might draw all me unto me.

This talk is from Saturdays morning session of General conference and given by Elder Dale G. Renlund

As we draw closer to God, the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ will come into our lives.

I have been thinking a lot about the atonement lately.  I am reading about it in the book titled,  The Infinite Atonement by Tad R. Callister.  So, this talk struck home to me.  He spoke about how the further we are from Jesus Christ, the more we murmur, feel contentious and feel entitled.  The closer we draw to Jesus Christ, the more we appreciate his suffering.  The more we are grateful for His grace and forgiveness.  I think also, the more we want to be like Him.   Elder Renlund also talks about how our distance from Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is important, but it is even more important the direction we are heading in our lives.  He reminds us that Heavenly Father loves the repentant sinner who is working on being closer to Him.  I loved the folk song that He shared with us. 

When Christmas morning gleams

I want to go to the stable,

Where God in the nighttime hours

Already rests upon the straw.

How good Thou wast to desire

To come down to the earth!

Now, I do not wish to waste

My childhood days in sin anymore!

Jesus, we need Thee,

Thou dear children’s friend.

I no longer wish to grieve Thee

With my sins again.¹

I too, want to be one of the "Stable few".  I want to make sure that my heart is ever turned to the Stable and the babe who was born there.  I want to make sure that I don't grieve the Savior with my continued sins.  I want to be more like Him. 

“And I give unto you a commandment that ye shall do these things. And if ye shall always do these things blessed are ye, for ye are built upon my rock.

“But whoso among you shall do more or less than these are not built upon my rock, but are built upon a sandy foundation; and when the rain descends, and the floods come, and the winds blow, and beat upon them, they shall fall.”

I love how Elder Renlund points out that Christ does not say IF the rains descend and IF the floods come and IF the winds blow.  He says when.  No one is immune from life's challenges.  These things happen in all our lives and we have to be ready for the trials that we will surely face by drawing closer to Him.  I know that the Savior is standing ever near to us waiting for our hearts to turn to Him. 

Restored

 

Oh how I love listening to this man speak.  He really gives me hope.  I know that I have felt like my own life is shattered, especially lately.  I have even had times when I couldn't see how I would make it to tomorrow.  Not because of my own sins, although they are more than I would wish, but mostly because of others that affect me. 

This quote is my new mantra.  There will be better days ahead.  There will be cause for rejoicing.  All that is lost will someday, somehow be restored.  I won't miss out on it forever, just for this moment.  No matter what is happening in each of our lives, we need to know and believe that Heavenly Father knows exactly what we are going through.  He knows our heartaches, He knows our suffering, He knows what we need. 

We can all have hope in His love and His mercy.  We can all rejoice in the knowledge that He wants to bless us.  Somehow, in ways that we probably can't understand right now, everything will work out for our good.  The shattered windows of our life, will all be made whole.  I wish I could explain how I know that, but I do.  I absolutely believe in the truth of that marvelous teaching.  We will all be made whole.  All the wrongs will be made right.  All will be restored. 

Standing With God

 

It is so easy to stand with the world.  I can look at my own life and see all my mistakes.  I can see the things that I don't do enough of (or maybe even at all!)  I can see the need to pray more, read my scriptures more, study more.  In short, I see all my faults and failings.  Sometimes, it is easier to focus on those things than on the things I may actually be doing right.  We have as story in the Book of Mormon about Lehi.  It is called Lehi's dream.  In the story, there is a large and spacious building that calls out to those who are living and partaking of God's word and love.  Many people are led astray by the others in that building.  They feel ashamed that they are partaking of the fruit of the tree.  The wonder away from the straight and narrow path and are either lost, or join those in the great and spacious building. 

In todays world, that building is probably bigger than it has ever been.  There are so many people who are willing to lead us away from following the Lord.  There are so many conflicting ways and so many good things we can do.  We don't even have to be doing bad things, we just don't have to be doing the best we can do. 

God is not dead.  He never has been.  I know that He doesn't always answer the way that I would like Him too, but if I wait long enough, He always answers in a way that is best for me.  He allows me trials, that I might find joy in the overcoming of them.  He shows me people who hate, that I might learn not to behave in the same way.  He shows me forgiveness and mercy, that I might give those to others around me. 

In short, He gives me blessings each and every day and all things testify of Him.  I would so much rather be found standing with Him, that against Him.  As easy as it is to walk away, the only thing that prevents us from coming home to Him is our own pride.  His arms have always been opened wide to welcome us back. 

May we all be found partaking of the fruit of His love.