Hypocrites

I really believe this one.  Why is it that we want to be forgiven for our own sins, but somehow we also want to judge?  To say someone else's sin is worse than our own?  To say who or who should not be forgiven.  I don't mean that we have to continually allow others to hurt us or be in abusive relationships.  We have every right to protect ourselves.  But we also have to allow others the chance to repent and change their lives.  We need to allow them the opportunity to get to know the Savior for themselves, repent and change.
I have had amazing experiences in my own life for the change that can happen.  One of the most amazing experiences that I had involved and family who was newly baptized. 
They had a special needs son, whom the father did not like or want to be around.  He did not hold him or hug him or want to be with him at all.  They also had a younger, healthy son whom the father doted on and gave all the attention to.  The man had made a lot of mistakes in his life.  He had been a biker, and involved in gangs.  He was covered in tattoos.  He was very gruff around the edges.  The parents were seriously talking divorce.
I watched the gospel and the love of God change this entire family.  I especially watched the father change as his changes were visible to all of us.  He went from being gruff around the edges to one of the most concerned individuals I have ever met.  He treated his wife like she was his world and started treating his older son the same.  They became inseparable and nearly everywhere the father went the young boy was with him, riding on his shoulders.  I watched them bring so many others to the Savior with their love and acceptance and especially their believe that anyone could change. 
There is so much more I could add about them, but they touched my heart in so many ways.  I knew them for over two years before they were transferred.  His wife and I became good friends and we did many things together.  I saw those changes for myself and it taught me that we can never judge someone else by their past, perceived or known.  Every single one of us is capable of repentance and forgiveness.  It takes and willing heart and a true desire for change. 
I am grateful to have been able to call myself their friend. 

Notice the Miracles

 

I have been the receiver of so many tiny miracles in my life.  Things that have surrounded me that I try and make sure I take the time to notice.  They can be as simple as a sunset, or the nest of a pair of eagles.  They can be kind words and even kinder voices.  They can be the way someone notices something I have done or said.  There are so many miracles in each of our lives.  So many time that Heavenly Father reaches out to remind each one of us that we are loved and wanted and needed, right where we are. 

Occasionally, I forget that.  Occasionally I struggle to remember that I have worth.  Life can be hard.  It can be downright awful sometimes.  I am learning that if we forget to look for the miracles, it is too easy to get swallowed up in the storms. 

I have spent way too much of my life focusing on the rain, instead of the beauty of the rainbows.  Too much time remembering every single negative in life, without acknowledging the many positives.  Too much time focusing on the impossibilities rather than on the miracles that already surround me.

So, remember the miracles.  They are a testament of His love.  They remind us of His caring.  They remind us of who we are, and who we are meant to become. 
They are all around us if we will just take a moment to look and see. 

Turn On the Light

 

 

 

I am afraid of the dark.  My imagination gets going and I can dream up any wickedness you can imagine.  When I was a child, I watched one, single, horror movie.  I have nightmares of drowning and bodies to this day.  My imagination needs no help!

I remember one night when I saw a face in the window.  It seemed to my child's mind to be very evil.  I saw dark hair and blue eyes.  I felt sure that he could see me too and that he wanted me. 

For the first time in my very young life, I got to my knees under the covers and prayed.  I prayed with all the sincerity of my 5 year old self.  I prayed that Heavenly Father would keep the man away and that he could not hurt me.  I didn't dare look at the window until much later, but I prayed until I was comforted.

During that prayer, I felt the knowledge come into my mind to know where a flash light was.  Tiptoeing silently through the small apartment, I went to he right drawer and pulled the flashlight that I found there, I also pulled some extra batteries.  I ran back to bed with that small light and kept it under the covers to protect me from the darkness.

I don't know what my mother thought happened to that small light, but I kept it for many years.  I put it carefully between the wall and the bed.  As a teenager, it was my reading light and my babysitting light.  I used it when I needed to see something and when I needed to feel secure.  I also used it when I needed to see my way home in the darkness. 

Not only can happiness be found when you remember to turn on the light, but I learned that safety and security could be found also.  I learned the God answers prayers, even for very young insecure children, and I learned that I really was loved and watched over.

I learned how to turn on the light. 

   



Stop Comparing

 

I am so guilty of this.  It is easier to fall into this trap than any other that I am tempted with.  It is so easy to look around at other women and see all the ways that they are better than I am.  It is easy to believe that they are more righteous, more willing, more happy, more holy.  More of just about anything I can imagine. 

The problem with that is that as long as I continue to believe it, I do not change.  I do not recognize my own strengths and use them to help others.  I just keep telling myself that "Sister So-and-So" can do it so much better than me.  I hold myself back and don't serve, when I really want to and need to be there for someone else. 

The problem with comparisons, is that they are NEVER true!  We are standing at the outside trying to look inside somebody else, and we are looking at our inside and comparing it to our own perception of someone else.  We can never win.  We either believe erroneously that we are better, or worse. 

We start to believe that we are not the same in God's eyes.  That He sees us with the harshness that we see ourselves.  We forget that He looks upon the heart and not the deeds.  He looks at what we are becoming and overcoming and not so much on the where we have been. 

He forgives when our own selves can't. 

Happiness is found when we stop trying to see ourselves through the eyes of others, and start trying to see ourselves through our Heavenly Father's eyes.  He loves us, exactly where we are right now, and who we are this minute.  He loves us in all our imperfect weakness as well as the attempts at becoming stronger than we are and more like Him. 

True happiness lies when we can accept ourselves, with all our mistakes and failures, while no longer judging ourselves against the world,

and working at becoming more like Him.

Happiness is looking at each other through the eyes of God. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings - More Fully His

"Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;"  John 8:31

May we declare ourselves to be more fully disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, not in word only and not only in the flush of comfortable times but in deed and in courage and in faith, including when the path is lonely and when our cross is difficult to bear.

Elder Holland

Credit For Trying

This is so comforting for me.  I am so, not perfect!  I keep working on it, and keep failing spectacularly in the process.  What a comfort for me to realize that Heavenly Father really does give us credit for trying to become better.   It makes me want to strive even harder to do those things that I know are right.

One of my trials is an ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety.  There are days when just getting out of bed and getting dressed takes every single bit of my energy.  There are days when I can't make myself take a shower or even brush my hair.  I have been known to stay in bed all day and get absolutely nothing done.  The voice in my head tells me I am lazy even though I know I am not.  There just comes a point when I can't continue moving forward until after I get some form of peace.

I have always been so hard on myself.  I grade myself on the pass fail system.  You know the kind, the one where if you are not perfect, and you don't have it all together, than you are a failure.  The one where I never win.  The one where I am not enough.

How grateful I am that I recognize my Heavenly Father grades me on a much better system.  One where repentance and forgiveness play a major part.  One where mistakes are learning experiences and change is always possible.  One where I have a loving Father who wants to see me succeed and not falter.    

How amazing it is to me that He loves me and cares for me always, no matter how many shortcomings I have or how often I don't do things the right way.  He is there to help me pick up the pieces of my life, dust myself off and try one more time.  

He gives me credit for my intent, not just my successes.  

He loves me just as I am and for Him,

I am enough.  

Sabbath day scribblings - A God of Love

Luke 9:51-56King James Version (KJV)

51 And it came to pass, when the time was come that he should be received up, he stedfastly set his face to go to Jerusalem,

52 And sent messengers before his face: and they went, and entered into a village of the Samaritans, to make ready for him.

53 And they did not receive him, because his face was as though he would go to Jerusalem.

54 And when his disciples James and John saw this, they said, Lord, wilt thou that we command fire to come down from heaven, and consume them, even as Elias did?

55 But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.

56 For the Son of man is not come to destroy men's lives, but to save them. And they went to another village.

See also President Deiter F. Uchtdorf's talk, Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear.

Life - The difficult

 

This one has real meaning for me.  I know that in my life, I have spent too much time trying to copy the people that I admire and respect.  Cutting my hair like them, dressing like them, picking up on their words and phrases.  It was much worse when I was younger and so insecure with the girl that I was, and even more insecure with the young woman I was becoming.  

The sad part is that inside, I am still sometimes that girl.  I still want to be liked.  I want people to admire me and my family.  I want to be like the other families in our small community, that everyone looks up to.   I want my children to be liked, respected and popular.  Intellectually, I know that popularity isn't everything, but in this community, it really seems to make or break the kids.  People here think that bullying doesn't go on in our town or our schools.  We are talking really big city here.  My daughters graduating class two years ago was 31 students.  So, I think that bullying is even harder in a small town.  If you are not with the in crowd, than you are out, and no one will be your friend. 

It breaks my heart to watch my girls go through this.  It causes so many emotional problems.  My love isn't enough for them.  They want the acceptance of their peers. 

I have grown older (yep, think grey) and now it is not so important to me what "everyone" thinks.  The elusive "everyone" really does not exist.  It still matters what they say though.  For some reason, it is not what is done that is the most difficult for me to handle, it is what is said.  I remember the words long after the deeds. 

I am content with just a few close friends.  I think if I had any more than that, the guilt of not being able to be there for "everyone" would overwhelm me.  I am very grateful for my friends who support me and help me through the hard times.  I am not as grateful for those whom I thought were my friends, but they turned out differently.  I suppose High School lives on in some peoples lives.  As for me, I am so glad that part is long over. 

The reason I love the quote above is because it reminds me that Heavenly Father made me who I am.  He did not make me to be another Mary or Martha or Eve.  He made me and placed me in this place because I can do some good.  I can learn and grow and become more like Him.  He does not ever want us to be "everybody else".  He has always intended that we would be ourselves, with our own talents and blessings.  Most important of all, He loves us exactly how we are right now.  With our makeup off, our hair straight (or frizzy in my case), and our clothes wrinkled and worn.  It isn't the face that we show to the world that He sees.  It isn't how we did on someone else's test that matters.  It is who we are becoming and what He needs us to be. 

So, don't be a poor example of anyone else.  Be your own unique self and know right now that you are loved. 

 

What I learned - Gathering the Family of God

Gathering the Family of God

April 2017 General Conference

By President Henry B. Eyring

First Counselor in the First Presidency

 

God the Father wants His children home again, in families and in glory.

 

 

When I was little, I went to many churches.  I believe that there is truth to be found in all of them.  The one principle that I had a really hard time with was the teaching of a vengeful God.  The old Testament type of God that had to keep disciplining his people because they kept falling away. 

Sometimes, I really was scared that there was no hope for me.  That God would take one look at me and send me away from Him forever.  That He would tell me that I am not good enough.  What I loved about President Eyring's talk, is that he reminds us all of how great our Heavenly Father's love is for each one of us.  We were not sent her to fail.  We were sent here to succeed and return to Him. 

"You see, the names “brother” and “sister” are not just friendly greetings or terms of endearment for us. They are an expression of an eternal truth: God is the literal Father of all mankind;"

Now, I should tell you that a large part of the talk concerned Genealogy and  finding our ancestors.  Turning the hearts of the hearts of the children to the fathers.  I am trying to learn to do family research, but right now, I am absolutely sure that my daughters are much better at it than I am.  So, I am struggling to do that. 
For me, I loved the talk most because he mentions a loving Heavenly Father who really does want us to return to Him.  That is such a contrast from the angry God that I grew up knowing.  I love feeling like there is hope in my own journey. 
I love that we were not sent here in the dark.  That each one of us has an innate sense of right and wrong.  We may choose to ignore it, but it is there. 
We may choose not to be gathered "home", but it is a choice we will each make.  It doesn't depend upon our birth.  It depends on our own choices while we are here.  There are millions of Heavenly Father's children who have not had the chance to hear about Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for us.  They don't know anything about the atonement.  But they are not penalized for that.  They also will be given the choice to decide. 
That is what I love about the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ.  It shows me, always and in every way how much our Father loves us, and also how individually He knows us. 
It reminds me, that He wants us to come Home. 

Walking into a Church

Billy Graham has said many times: “Walking into a church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than walking into a garage

makes you a car.”  

I love, love, love this saying.   It reminds me that we are made up of what we DO, and not so much because of where we ARE right this minute.  It also reminds me that Christians are more than just beliefs, they are designated by their behavior toward every one of God's sons and daughters.  It reminds me that my family is more than just my biological family or my church family.  My family encompasses friends, neighbors and even those who are hard to love.   

I suspect, that at various times in our lives, we are all a little hard to love.  I also suspect that there are times when each one of us behave in a very unchristian-like way.  We want to be a BMW, but instead, we are more like the common gremlin!  No matter how cool the outside looks, inside we are what we are.  And that person shows through, no matter how we disguise the outside.  Who we become, is the result of our choices. 

We all get to choose the person we become.  We do it each day through hundreds and thousands of individual decisions that we make.  We may not choose exactly what happens to us, but we choose how we react to it.  We might not get to choose the path we are on, but we choose what we see and what we realize.  We choose how we see the world that is around us.  Every choice we make brings us farther away, or closer to, the person that we want to become. 

So, maybe walking into the church doesn't make you Christian, but choosing to stay there, choosing to change, choosing to become, does.    And for me, the most wonderful part of this is that, although we can't change the past, every one of us has the ability to rewrite our futures.  We start today and use the Atonement for our good.  We repent, we grow, we change, we become. 

Isn't it wonderful, that we have a Father in Heaven, who loves us enough to provide a way for each of us to arrive home.  Our paths might be different.  Our pasts might be completely opposite, but none of us are forgotten on this journey.  He cares for each of us individually.  He gives us what we need to grow, and allows us to experience joy in our journey, no matter how rocky the path.   

What I learned - Trust in the Lord

 

In Proverbs 3:5–6, we read this counsel:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy paths.”

 

Every six months, we have General Conference.  One of the sessions the week before is a session for the women in the church.  This was the first talk and was titled Trust in the Lord and lean not.  It was given by Bonnie H. Cordon who is the second councilor in the Primary general presidency.  I loved her entire talk, and couldn't help but ask myself if I am leaning away from the Savior. 

She first described what leaning means:   "In English the word lean has a connotation of physically listing or moving to one side. When we physically lean toward one side or another, we move off center, we are out of balance, and we tip. When we spiritually lean to our own understanding, we lean away from our Savior. If we lean, we are not centered; we are not balanced; we are not focused on Christ".

The words touched me and taught me.  I love that leaning means we are not centered, that we are off balance.  That very much describes some of what I am going through. 

She then suggested three ways in which we can increase our knowledge and trust of the Savior. 

 

1.  First, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we “feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

2.  Second, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him through prayer. What a blessing to be able to pray to our God! “Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart.”

3.  Third, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we serve others.

 

Three simple things, yet they can be so hard to do sometimes.  I struggle with finding the time necessary to do everything that I think I "should"  be doing.  Perhaps, I am just doing too many of the "Good Things" and not enough of the "Best Things".  Perhaps, it is time to go back to the basics and try just a little bit harder.  Instead of trying to leap, I need to do baby steps.  In stead of trying to do everything, I need to just focus on a few best things.  I need to work on trusting Him and little bit more and not leaning on myself quite so hard.   

Believe in Yourselves

How easy is it to get lost in this crazy, mixed up world that we live in?  There are so many voices competing for our attention, that the one inside ourselves gets rather lost in the shuffle.  Sometimes, it can be very hard to hear, and even harder to understand, just who we are.  I think, that there is a part of me, deep inside that really craves to be the same as everyone else.  Sometimes, I would like to be admired, or at least acknowledged for something, anything that is good.   There is a part of me that I am not proud of, that wants to be popular, or at least somewhat in demand.  I wish I did something well.  My house is a mess, my life is even messier, my mind is in total chaos and sometimes I don't know where I am going to find the energy to face tomorrow. 
The hardest voice to hear is the one deep inside yourself telling you that you are who you need to be.  That you are unique.  That you are enough.  That you are being you and that is Okay. 
That is the voice I struggle to hear.  That is the one that screams deep inside my heart and I am so busy trying to be someone that I am not, I can't hear the voice of who I really am.  I am surrounded by the should have, could haves and would haves of the world.  The real me, is drowned out in the crowd. 
I am learning that part of believing in myself has to come from being myself.  You can't believe in someone who is not real.  You can't believe yourself into what is false.  Part of accepting myself is to learn who I really am.  It is asking the hard questions.  The ones that are uncomfortable at times.  The ones that I don't want to know the answers too.  Part of believing in myself is putting aside the falsehoods and the insecurities and acknowledging the person that I really am.  It is finding that person and learning to love her anyway.  It is being myself in spite of everyone else.  It is believing in myself as well as being myself.  It is acknowledging my successes as well as my failures.  It is becoming whom I was always meant to be. 

I Am Not Perfect

I needed this one today.  I am a mom, and grandmom, who wants nothing more that to surround my children with perfection.  I want to be there when they need me, I want to know the things I should say.  I want to know the right thing to do in every situation.  I want my children and grandchildren to never, ever have to endure some of the things that I have had to.  In short, I want every single part of their lives to be better than the life that I have lived. 
It is so very difficult to watch your family have to endure the hard things.  It is so very difficult to have them not listen or pay attention to my stories of the past.  It is really awful to have them say, "It turned out alright for you, so I should be fine".  I just never imagined the amount of excuses that I would hear for my family making the wrong decisions.  I never, ever, imagined that they would still find a way for me to be responsible. 
Life is hard.  No matter how hard we try, Heavenly Father has given each of us our free agency.  He never takes that away, even when exercising that free agency brings heartbreak to your own family and friends.  We live in a world that not only wants everything, they want it right this minute.  Heavenly Father doesn't work in this moment of time.  Sometimes, He needs to wait until our experiences have grown.  He needs to wait until the answer will make sense to us.  He needs to wait until we are ready to listen. 
It is hard to feel alone in the waiting.  It is hard to feel imperfect in a world where you imagine perfection in ever corner.  It really isn't there, but we imagine it anyway, and feel totally incompetent when we compare our broken selves to others in all their imagined perfected glory. 
Funny thing about that though, not a single one of us are perfect.  Not a single one of us are exactly where we imagined we would be.  We are all broken.  We all feel alone.  We all sometimes feel unloved and unlovable.  And that is even OK as long as we can keep in in perspective. 
For the past few years, I have really had to struggle with hating another.  I have had to just learn to breathe when I know her sins.  It has made me angry to think that she still has a temple recommend and that the church does not even know what she has done to those around her.  It is hard, because in her own mind, she is without sin, without fault, without blame.  So she has been allowed to say anything she wants and slander anyone she dislikes.  I would be nice if Heavenly Father would reach out an slap her upside the head.  Seriously!!!
I know he doesn't though.  He needs me to learn to forgive this one.  He needs me to look beyond the moment and find a reason to love.  He needs me to be more Christlike and forgiving.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but oh so very necessary.  Heavenly Father does not tell us to forgive after others have forgiven us.  He does not tell us to wait for and "I'm sorry".  He does not tell us to wait for Karma or fate or anything else.  He tells us that we need to forgive, and if we don't, the greater sin lies against us. 
So I struggle daily in this desire to forgive.  Sometimes, I even come close, but then something else will happen and it all goes straight out the window of my mind. 
I am reminding myself that it is ok not to be perfect.  That that will come with time and prayer and love.  I am reminding myself that there are things that take a very long time to heal.  It isn't easy (Oh how I wish it were), but it is doable.  It will just take more time and effort than I ever imagined. 
I am not perfect, but I can do this.  One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  Until at last the anger goes away and I can accept and love Heavenly Father's child for the reasons that He does. 
Remind yourself that perfection does not come overnight, and might not even come in this life, but it will come.  As I pray, and seek and search and find, it comes.  One single moment at a time. 

Plan A

 

Life never seems to go quite the way we plan it.  I am learning, through my own experience, that is ok.  I used to love to go to Women's Conference up in Utah at BYU.  It is a weekend with speakers who talk about all kinds of things.  I take it pretty seriously and go through the entire schedule to circle the speakers I would like to hear and also back up ones in case the session is full.  It can get crazy there as it seems to me that all the speakers I want to hear, there are several thousand of my sisters who want to hear the same ones.  I can't tell you how many times I have had to go to a class that didn't even sound interesting to me, only to find it was exactly what I needed to hear. 
Life is a little like those conferences.  We go through lots of trials in this life.  Most of us have a plan for dealing with them.  However, if you are like me, often plan A does not even come close to dealing with the problem.  Sometimes, it seems as if I get all the way to plan X or Y before I find something that will work. 
I can get so caught up in my own visualizing of the situation, that I don't take into account what is really needed.  For instance, I get so excited about serving someone, that I forget to take into account others might not want to serve with me.  In my mind, everyone is on the same page.  They all want to do the same things that I want to do.  Of course, that is not true, I just forget and want everyone else to find the same joy that I do in service.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  We each find joy in our own types of service.  We don't all find joy in doing the same things.
I am a planner, and often, when things don't go quite the way I planned for them to go, I get upset and stressed about what is going to happen.  I am not sure that I will ever deal with stress in a positive way, I am trying to see stress as simply more changes.  I keep telling myself that "change is good", right???
Or, if it is not good, perhaps it is good for me.  Nevertheless, much like my experience at BYU, I think that my Heavenly Father knows the things I need to do and He will put them in my path if I will just trust in Him.  He knew I needed to hear those speakers at just that time.  It can be hard to trust when you can't see where the road you are on ends.  It can be even harder to let go and simply believe.  However, I know that He is ever mindful of us.  One of my favorite scriptures, that brings me peace is found in Alma

Alma 36:27
And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

I might not have been in prison, but I have been made a prisoner because of the actions of others.  I know that He is with me and watching over me.  As I look back over the past several years, I can realize that my Plan A, was never His.  He wanted me to work through it, but He did not leave me alone.  Eventually, I got there. 
I have come to discover that, only after our trial, comes the blessings.  Today, I can be thankful that the Plan A's of my life have seldom worked out.  I an appreciate the struggle.  I can recognize the strength I have gained, and I can appreciate the Love that He has for me. 

Modesty, Are You Doing It?

I really like this one.  The world would have us believe that there is really no such thing as modesty.  With as many children as we have, we have run the gambit of what is appropriate and what is not.  The older I get, the more modesty matters to me.  I want to be modest.  I want to feel comfortable in my own clothing.  I want others to be comfortable when they are around me.  I don't want to need to worry about what is showing and what is not. 

We have raised our girls and our boys to be modest.  I have learned that when we speak of modesty, we usually mean girls and women, but there is immodesty in men also.  I hate the phrase that girls have to dress modestly so that boys don't have bad thoughts about them.  I don't believe it is my responsibility to control anyone elses thoughts.   It is my responsibility to dress so that I am comfortable in the presence of any one else.  If I would not be comfortable, I probably should not be wearing it.  I am a child of God.  I the daughter of a Heavenly King.  Who I am is so important to who I want to become in this life, as well as in the next.  If we remember whose we are, our choices become just a little bit easier. 

We brought it with us

In all the chaos that surrounds me, with all the trials that I am "blessed" with, I find myself often forgetting that I have worth.  It is easy to see myself through, what I perceive, are the eyes of others.  It is easy to feel down on myself and to feel like what I think and what I am doesn't matter.  I can get lost trying to find myself through what others believe about me. 
Society would tell us that we have no worth unless we are successful as far as others are concerned.  I am finding out that society doesn't have a clue as to what I might really be worth. 
There are those in each of our lives who love us.  There are those who could not replace us, and would not want to.  There are those whose lives we touch, every day, who enjoy being around us.  Our value, is rather what our worth is to HIM.  We can not judge how very much He loves us.  We can not possibly know what He needs us to do here.  What plans He has made in our behalf.  We brought a wealth of love with us when we came to earth.  We have angels cheering us on.  We have more support than we can possibly imagine. 
Remember, no matter what is going on in your life right now, no matter who is talking about you, or hurting you, no matter what others believe about you, there is one who will always love you.  He will always care for you.  He will always support you and be concerned for you.  He will always, always be there for you.  Our worth is eternal.  It comes straight from Him.  Remember not only who you are, but Whose you are. 

Ducks in a Pond

I don't have all, or even some,

of my ducks in a row. 

But they're all in the same pond,

so I've got that going for me, which is nice. 

I have always wanted to be one of those women who had it all put together.  The women I admire are strong and independent.  They are successful in their own right.  They are great mothers and grandmothers.  They seem to know exactly what they want and how to get there.  Unfortunately, I am not even close.

It is one of my largest struggles to not compare myself to other women.  Somehow, when I do, I find myself incredibly lacking.  In my mind, they are just so much better than I am.  I think, to an extent, we all struggle with this one.  We want to be better, we really do, but sometimes life just gets right in our way.  We have waves and tides and sometimes even a whirlpool or two.  Right now, I am in the depths of whirlpool and can't even begin to see my way out.  I know, if I hold on, it will come.  I have faith that it will all work out. 
Like I said, my ducks are at least in the same pond!  Problem is, so is the whirlpool! 
So, as I seek not to judge myself today, let me council with you, that you might not be too harsh a judge upon yourself.  I believe that most of us are simply doing the very best we can at this given moment in time.  I believe that what we are, right this moment, is enough.  I believe that He loves you and me just as we are.  It isn't that He doesn't want better for us, it is simply that He loves us in our own here and now.  He knows who we are.  He know how we struggle.  He knows how much life can hurt. 
I believe that He wants us to accept ourselves and come to Him.  He stands waiting to heal our broken hearts and lift our weary knees.  He wants to share our burdens and bear our pain, but He also won't take it from us if we don't ask.

 ^"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me".  Revelation 3:20


 

One side of the story

So many people take sides.  We take sides based on who we like, or who we don't.  We take sides based on what we hear, or what we are told.  We take sides because we only know part of the story.  It is too easy to judge based on which side you hear.  It is too easy to be in the wrong, when we don't value someone enough to listen. 

I love the story of Solomon and the baby.  Two women went before his judgment seat.  They had both had a baby.  One of the babies had died and one lived.  Both women claimed the living baby was their own. 

After some deliberation, King Solomon called for a sword to be brought before him. He decided that there was only one fair solution: the living son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cried out, "Oh Lord, give the baby to her, just don't kill him!" The woman who lied, in her bitter jealousy, exclaimed, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!"
The king declared the first mother as the true mother, as a true, loving mother would rather surrender her baby to another than hurt him, and gave her the baby. King Solomon's judgment became known throughout all of Israel and was considered an example of profound wisdom.
Both women wanted to be right, but one was willing to be wrong in order for the baby to live.  King Solomon was able to listen to both sides of the story and reach a fair and just decision.  What an example for the rest of us. 
No matter what we believe, or how much we hurt, or what has happened to us, there are always two sides to every single story.  Often, both sides have hurt and heartache.  When we jump to conclusions and judge, we risk never finding out the truth.  We risk supporting others in their lies and jealousy.  We risk condemning the wrong party. 
How grateful I am that the only person I have to worry about judging me is the Lord.  He alone knows my thoughts and my heart.  He knows my innocence and even my guilt.  He knows everything about me, including why I am the way that I am.  With Him on my side, I don't have to worry so much about the opinions of others.  With Him in my Heart, I know that the truth will someday come out and that, in ways I don't yet understand, All will be well. 
So, for now, my prayer is that we will all learn to listen to the story in it's entirety and not just one side of it. 

Begin With Hope

We all have times in our lives when things change, when they need to change.  We all wonder where we are going to start, or how we are possibly going to finish.  When we look at the entire prospect of change, good or bad, we can be very overwhelmed.  But when we start just one step at a time, we begin to feel hope that we just might get through this. 

We start out with so much hope!  When we are children, we believe that tomorrow is going to be a better day.  We believe that everything will work out.  We believe that things are simple and that we are nearly invincible.  We begin our lives with hope.  Hope that we will be loved.  That we will grow and be nourished.  

We grow up with our hopes and dreams getting squished and moved around in our hearts.  Life can suck the hope right out of you if you let it.  

We grow up with fairy tales and happily ever afters in our thoughts and dreams.  Most of the time, reality does not quite live up the the illusion, and if it does, it is usually after great trials that we find those blessings.  

It can be hard to find hope in the world today.  Hard to find it when you heart is aching, when you are exhausted, when you are stressed, and when you don't know how you are going to pay the bills because you just lost your income.  

Hope is that little voice inside your head that tells you to try again tomorrow, hope reminds you that all is not lost, hope tells you that you are worth loving.  Hope begins with every step we take in the right direction.  

Nothing is Permanent

I have got to love a good Charlie Chaplin quote.  Especially this one.  Nothing is permanent, even though it feels that way.  I know that sometimes things are just hard.  We struggle, we search, we wonder, we ask, we seek, we ache, we cry, we hope, we love.  All things in their won seasons and at their own times.  But I try and remember this when I am overwhelmed with adversity.  

We find friends in the strangest places.  People we never knew were going through the same things are we are.  We find hope in their courage and convictions.  I know that I have felt so filled with sorrow and pain, that I couldn't bear to face it anymore.  It just felt too hopeless.  I retreat inside myself and try and center.  I go to counseling, I go to church, I talk to friends, I keep trying, even though inside, I am so very broken.  

Funny thing is, just when I feel as if I can't walk another step or bear another burden, something happens that gives me the courage to continue on.  This morning, I discovered someone who has been through many of the heart aches that I have.  This person's strength and testimony brought me hope in my own journey.  I felt the spirit fill my heart with peace and I know that at this time, in this moment, all is well. 

You never know what those around you might be going through.  We profess to try and be Christ-like in our lives, but how many judge one another as "bad" or "good"?  How many gossip and talk about someone behind their backs.  How many mean things do we say in the course of our daily existence.  

I have learned, it doesn't matter if you can trace your roots all the way back to Adam, or if you don't know the name of your maternal Grandfather, we are all Children of God.  We are all charged to "love one another."  

My prayer today is that we will remember the Saviors wisdom when he said, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone".  And the accusers left one by one and did not stay.  Then the Savior said to "Go thy way and sin no more".  My prayer is that we will stop throwing stones at one another.  Stones of anger, hate, unkindness and words.  They do destroy.  They do cause damage.  They destroy hearts and hope and courage.  We damage each other so much by the words we choose to speak, by the names we choose to call.  

We can also heal the aching by sharing a part of ourselves with others.  We can heal by being kind, by showing compassion and love.  We can heal the breaking hearts by sharing our own.  We can build each other up.  

Absolutely nothing is permanent, but I think we can choose to make kindness permanent.  We can choose to give a smile, or share a tear.  We can choose to help one another.