What I learned - The Beauty of Holiness

“Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name:
bring an offering, and come before him:
worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.”

This talk was given by Carol F. McConkie, 
First councilor in the Young Women General Presidency

She used one of my favorite bible stories.  It is the story of Mary and Martha, and I often feel like I am Martha when I should be Mary! 

When Martha received Jesus Christ into her home, she felt a tremendous desire to serve the Lord to the best of her ability. Her sister, Mary, chose to sit “at Jesus’ feet” and to hear His word. When Martha felt burdened about serving without any help, she complained, “Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone?”

I love the words of the most gentle rebuke that I can imagine. With perfect love and infinite compassion, the Savior admonished:

“Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

“But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Sisters, if we would be holy, we must learn to sit at the feet of the Holy One of Israel and give time to holiness. Do we set aside the phone, the never-ending to-do list, and the cares of worldliness? Do we set aside our busy lives, if only for a short space of time to ponder and feast upon His words?  Prayer, study, and heeding the word of God invite His cleansing and healing love into our souls. We have to actually make time to be holy, We have to choose to have that sacred time with Him, that we may be filled with His sacred and sanctifying Spirit. Holiness isn't just a goal, it is a choice.  One each one of us must make as we seek Him in the world today.  Oh how my heart wants to sing the Hymn, More holiness give me.  I can't even think of the words without tears coming to my eyes and my heart yearning to be nearer to Him.

1. More holiness give me,
More strivings within,

More patience in suff'ring,
More sorrow for sin,
More faith in my Savior,
More sense of his care,
More joy in his service,
More purpose in prayer.

2. More gratitude give me,
More trust in the Lord,
More pride in his glory,
More hope in his word,
More tears for his sorrows,
More pain at his grief
More meekness in trial,
More praise for relief.

3. More purity give me,
More strength to o'ercome,
More freedom from earth-stains,
More longing for home.
More fit for the kingdom,
More used would I be.
More blessed and holy--
More, Savior, like thee.

Text and music: Philip Paul Bliss, 1838-1876

 

Wordless Wednesday - Our Very Own Walmart Baby

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

The Blessings Will Come

Deuteronomy 28:1-2
1 And it shall come to pass, if thou shalt hearken diligently unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command thee this day, that the Lord thy God will set thee on high above all nations of the earth:

 2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God.

Sometimes, it feels like blessings are never going to come.  It is like my life is in the chaos of an endless winter.  I can't see the blessing that surround me because of the feeling of cold and snow that is so prevalent in my vision. 
I like this scripture because it reminds me that, just like spring, the blessings WILL come.  Not only will they come, but they will completely overtake me.  That is a pretty amazing promise. 
I am struggling with trusting the promises of the Lord.  That is a terrible place to be.  My heart knows His promises are sure, but my head keeps telling me "what if".  If only I could get my heart and my head in the same place, maybe I wouldn't worry quite so much. 
We each have things that are hard for us.  We all have differences and blessings.  I think that sometimes we focus so much on the perceived blessing of others, that we forget to find our own. 
So, since it is my head that has the problem, I am working on listing the blessing that I do have, and ignoring the ones that I think I want.  I know that as I focus on gratitude, my life will be more in tune with that I really have.  I also know, in ways that I don't yet understand, that my life is filled with blessings given from God. 
He has not left me out just because (for now), I cannot see. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings- Unnecessary Burden

JUDE 1:21-22

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

Take joy in your trials

James 1:2-5

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

This one is so very hard for me.  It is not that I don't want to be joyful, but sometimes I can't see myself out of the hole that I seem to be in.  You climb a mountain, only to find a bigger one waiting for you on the other side.  Sometimes, there really is joy, but often, my spirit only sees the difficulties. 
I can honestly say, that if I had to do it all over again, I would probably do most of the same things.  I might not wish those trials upon anyone else, but they have helped to mold me and shape me into the person that I am today.  If I changed those things, my question would be, would I somehow lose the essence of myself. 
I like the person that I have become most of the time.  I strive not to hurt others, I volunteer to help, I work hard at improving the lives of others.  I still do a lot wrong.  I don't want to sound perfect because I am not.  I still have days and hours where it takes every bit of my energy just to go to work, and when I come home, I can only fall into bed.  There is no strength left for anything else.  There are nights when I can't sleep.  There are times when the past reaches out and holds me tight in it's grip of "if only's and what if's".  Sometimes it gets overwhelming, yet when I look at the person I have become, I am grateful for my trials.  They gave me my strengths. 
I am not sure that I like working toward patience very much.  It always means more trials, but I would like to have patience in faith and understanding.  I would like to not need to know everything right this moment.  I would like to wait upon the Lord's time.  And so, although joy sometimes escapes me, I will look for it in all my temptations and short comings.  I believe that Heavenly Father sent us here to have joy.  He wants us to find that joy in the midst of whatever place we are in.  I don't believe that joy only comes in the life hereafter.  I think it is supposed to be for us, here, today.  
So today, I am going to find joy in the small moments.  In the things I don't want to take for granted.  Today, my cup will be full.    

What I learned - Trust in the Lord

 

In Proverbs 3:5–6, we read this counsel:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy paths.”

 

Every six months, we have General Conference.  One of the sessions the week before is a session for the women in the church.  This was the first talk and was titled Trust in the Lord and lean not.  It was given by Bonnie H. Cordon who is the second councilor in the Primary general presidency.  I loved her entire talk, and couldn't help but ask myself if I am leaning away from the Savior. 

She first described what leaning means:   "In English the word lean has a connotation of physically listing or moving to one side. When we physically lean toward one side or another, we move off center, we are out of balance, and we tip. When we spiritually lean to our own understanding, we lean away from our Savior. If we lean, we are not centered; we are not balanced; we are not focused on Christ".

The words touched me and taught me.  I love that leaning means we are not centered, that we are off balance.  That very much describes some of what I am going through. 

She then suggested three ways in which we can increase our knowledge and trust of the Savior. 

 

1.  First, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we “feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

2.  Second, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him through prayer. What a blessing to be able to pray to our God! “Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart.”

3.  Third, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we serve others.

 

Three simple things, yet they can be so hard to do sometimes.  I struggle with finding the time necessary to do everything that I think I "should"  be doing.  Perhaps, I am just doing too many of the "Good Things" and not enough of the "Best Things".  Perhaps, it is time to go back to the basics and try just a little bit harder.  Instead of trying to leap, I need to do baby steps.  In stead of trying to do everything, I need to just focus on a few best things.  I need to work on trusting Him and little bit more and not leaning on myself quite so hard.   

Wordless Wednesday - Kansas City

 

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Stop Worrrying

 

It is not easy for me to stop worrying.  I worry about everything:  Being late, being early, having money, not having enough money, work, school, the cars, the phone, the bills.  You name it, I have probably worried about it. 

It is sad to me to even try to think about how much of my life has been spent in worrying.  My stomach in knots, but brain whirling, my heart beating fast.  I think I may worry just a little too well!

Take this week for example; I have an 18 year old teen.  She is a really good girl.  However, she went to see a friend in Holbrook.  The road there is a good one, but there are way too many accidents along it late at night.  I planned on her being home by 9:00.  In reality, it was after 1:00 in the morning when she came in.  She did text, so it is not like I didn't know where she was or what was going one, but I couldn't sleep. 

Finally, after tossing and turning, I went out on the couch and watched a TV show.  I stayed up until she arrived home (safe at last!) and then was up for about 40 minutes later to get my anxiety under control.  Six hours of sleep later, and it was time to get up to start the Sabbath day. 

I was exhausted!  Then 6 hours of sleep Sunday night and back to work.  After a very long day (about 14 hours) I came home and finally went to sleep at 9:00 again, only to wake up at 3:00AM to worry and not go back to sleep.  I really have to find a way to stop this!!

Worry is not my friend. 

I know this quote is true, even if it is so hard for me to remember.  I have seen the Lord's hand in my life when things don't work out the way I always planned they would. 

I had so many dreams as a child.  Ones where I was a surgeon, or a rocket scientist, or an astronaut.  I dreamed things that did not come true.  Somehow, I never saw myself quite where I am today.  Yet in all my dreams, I could never have seen the blessings that I would be given instead.  I think that I am right where I need to be.  So, when plans don't work out, when the road is uphill, when everything and everyone seems to conspire against you, have faith.  I believe the Lord's plans for us are so much bigger than anything we could dare to dream. 

 

No Act of Kindness

 

Oh, how I love this one.  I love the way that it puts love and kindness together in one simple explanation.   I have come to learn in my life, that it is impossible to have real love without kindness; and the more kind we are to those around us, the greater our ability to love increases.  I have been growing and learning my entire life, and sometimes, kindness still eludes me.  It is easy enough to be kind when others are kind in return, it is so much harder when we are in the position of making a point, or needing information, or wanting control.  There is a part of me that is starting to see most unkindness as a means of control;  Over others, over our environment, even over life itself.

I may not be capable of, or even have the opportunity to do great things in my life, but I am capable of doing small things with great love in every aspect of the life I am living.  Even a smile can warm someone else's heart on a bad day.  Life is hard for every. single. one. of us.  Maybe at different times and different places, but it can still be very hard.  My new goal is to not make anyone else's life harder than it needs to be. 

When I think of great acts of love, I think of those who have dedicated their lives to healing the hurt of others.  I think of Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Madam Curie, and there are so many others that I can't even begin to name them all.  But none of them did one thing for one day.  They spent hours, days, weeks, months and years in the service of people.  So acts of great love don't usually happen in one moment.  They are happening around us every day through the small acts of kindness done toward others. 

I want to reek of kindness in everything I do and every action I take.  I am tired of being hurt and angry.  I am tired of being depressed and anxious.  I am tired of worrying and stressing over the next good thing I need or want, or even that someone else needs or wants from me.  For too long, I try and be kind to those who are in and out of my life, but somehow I miss out on being kind to those who put up with me and love me in spite of myself.  They need to come first, not last.

I wonder why it is so hard to keep them in "first place" in all my doings?

So, I am going to keep trying to be a little kinder and a little gentler to those around me.  I am going to try and treat them the way that they deserve.  I am going to try not to give them the leftovers of life.  I am going to try to give them many small acts of kindness with great amounts of love thrown in.  I am going to remind them of what they really mean to me. 

 

 

    

    

Believe in Yourselves

How easy is it to get lost in this crazy, mixed up world that we live in?  There are so many voices competing for our attention, that the one inside ourselves gets rather lost in the shuffle.  Sometimes, it can be very hard to hear, and even harder to understand, just who we are.  I think, that there is a part of me, deep inside that really craves to be the same as everyone else.  Sometimes, I would like to be admired, or at least acknowledged for something, anything that is good.   There is a part of me that I am not proud of, that wants to be popular, or at least somewhat in demand.  I wish I did something well.  My house is a mess, my life is even messier, my mind is in total chaos and sometimes I don't know where I am going to find the energy to face tomorrow. 
The hardest voice to hear is the one deep inside yourself telling you that you are who you need to be.  That you are unique.  That you are enough.  That you are being you and that is Okay. 
That is the voice I struggle to hear.  That is the one that screams deep inside my heart and I am so busy trying to be someone that I am not, I can't hear the voice of who I really am.  I am surrounded by the should have, could haves and would haves of the world.  The real me, is drowned out in the crowd. 
I am learning that part of believing in myself has to come from being myself.  You can't believe in someone who is not real.  You can't believe yourself into what is false.  Part of accepting myself is to learn who I really am.  It is asking the hard questions.  The ones that are uncomfortable at times.  The ones that I don't want to know the answers too.  Part of believing in myself is putting aside the falsehoods and the insecurities and acknowledging the person that I really am.  It is finding that person and learning to love her anyway.  It is being myself in spite of everyone else.  It is believing in myself as well as being myself.  It is acknowledging my successes as well as my failures.  It is becoming whom I was always meant to be. 

I Am Not Perfect

I needed this one today.  I am a mom, and grandmom, who wants nothing more that to surround my children with perfection.  I want to be there when they need me, I want to know the things I should say.  I want to know the right thing to do in every situation.  I want my children and grandchildren to never, ever have to endure some of the things that I have had to.  In short, I want every single part of their lives to be better than the life that I have lived. 
It is so very difficult to watch your family have to endure the hard things.  It is so very difficult to have them not listen or pay attention to my stories of the past.  It is really awful to have them say, "It turned out alright for you, so I should be fine".  I just never imagined the amount of excuses that I would hear for my family making the wrong decisions.  I never, ever, imagined that they would still find a way for me to be responsible. 
Life is hard.  No matter how hard we try, Heavenly Father has given each of us our free agency.  He never takes that away, even when exercising that free agency brings heartbreak to your own family and friends.  We live in a world that not only wants everything, they want it right this minute.  Heavenly Father doesn't work in this moment of time.  Sometimes, He needs to wait until our experiences have grown.  He needs to wait until the answer will make sense to us.  He needs to wait until we are ready to listen. 
It is hard to feel alone in the waiting.  It is hard to feel imperfect in a world where you imagine perfection in ever corner.  It really isn't there, but we imagine it anyway, and feel totally incompetent when we compare our broken selves to others in all their imagined perfected glory. 
Funny thing about that though, not a single one of us are perfect.  Not a single one of us are exactly where we imagined we would be.  We are all broken.  We all feel alone.  We all sometimes feel unloved and unlovable.  And that is even OK as long as we can keep in in perspective. 
For the past few years, I have really had to struggle with hating another.  I have had to just learn to breathe when I know her sins.  It has made me angry to think that she still has a temple recommend and that the church does not even know what she has done to those around her.  It is hard, because in her own mind, she is without sin, without fault, without blame.  So she has been allowed to say anything she wants and slander anyone she dislikes.  I would be nice if Heavenly Father would reach out an slap her upside the head.  Seriously!!!
I know he doesn't though.  He needs me to learn to forgive this one.  He needs me to look beyond the moment and find a reason to love.  He needs me to be more Christlike and forgiving.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but oh so very necessary.  Heavenly Father does not tell us to forgive after others have forgiven us.  He does not tell us to wait for and "I'm sorry".  He does not tell us to wait for Karma or fate or anything else.  He tells us that we need to forgive, and if we don't, the greater sin lies against us. 
So I struggle daily in this desire to forgive.  Sometimes, I even come close, but then something else will happen and it all goes straight out the window of my mind. 
I am reminding myself that it is ok not to be perfect.  That that will come with time and prayer and love.  I am reminding myself that there are things that take a very long time to heal.  It isn't easy (Oh how I wish it were), but it is doable.  It will just take more time and effort than I ever imagined. 
I am not perfect, but I can do this.  One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  Until at last the anger goes away and I can accept and love Heavenly Father's child for the reasons that He does. 
Remind yourself that perfection does not come overnight, and might not even come in this life, but it will come.  As I pray, and seek and search and find, it comes.  One single moment at a time. 

We all go through stuff

I needed this laugh today.  It reminds me that every single one of us have problems and difficulties.  What might have me overwhelmed and completely underwater, might be just a puddle for you.  None of us are alike.  And, just because I handle my stuff differently than you do, doesn't make either one of us weak or unfaithful. 

I had an experience several years ago that I remember.  I was really struggling with depression.  (sometimes I think that struggle is pretty much never-ending)!   One of the people that I worked with expressed criticism that I could profess to be a woman of faith, and yet not seem to have to faith to view my own world differently.  It was pretty devastating at the time, as I really do try and strengthen my faith every chance I get.  However, I have learned that the amount of faith you have, does not destroy depression and discouragement.  Sometimes it can help you through the process a little bit faster, but it does not destroy it. 
I really have wished and prayed and studied, hoping that somehow faith would overcome this thorn in my side, but the answers have been slow in coming.  This is something that I have struggled with all my life.  As much as I wish I could put it aside, I have learned that it is constantly with me.  Having faith, does not and never has lessoned the depression.  Having faith, gives me the strength to push through even when my head can't see the way.  It gives me the chance to overcome my fears and my nightmares.  It doesn't change the problem, but it does change me. 
We can't judge anyone else by our standards.  What may seem as naught to you, might be a huge gap to me.  What might take all my strength to walk across, might just take you a hop and a skip.  I have learned that my problems are not worse than yours, and yours are not necessarily worse than mine.  Our problems just are.  They are a result of our choices, others choices, or just something that life has given us to endure.  As we struggle through them, we will find the blessings.  Maybe not quite how we imagined, but they will be there. 
I believe that I have a loving Father in Heaven who has not left me here to be alone in my trials, but rather has sent those along the way to give me the courage to keep marching on.  I believe that we all go through "stuff", and that stuff gives us purpose, compassion and understanding.  Sometimes, okay, oftentimes, it is very hard, but still it can be done.  We can get through anything as long as we know that He has us by the hand and does not let go.  We can walk on through Him.  We can make it because of Him.  In our trials, We can become His. 

Every Single Scar

I have felt his way for a very long time.  There are things in my life that I could wish away!  But when I really stop and think about it, all those things have led me to this place right here that I am living. 
One of the most important things I have learned about trials, is that the Lord never gives us a trial without also providing a blessing for us.  Often the blessing is not noticed for a time, but that does not negate the fact that it is there.  I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen to us.  I do believe that things happen for one of three reasons:

1. Our own sins.
2.  The sins of others.
3.  It is part of living our lives.

Yes, I like to simplify things.  But it helps me in the long run to NOT blame God. 
Sometimes, we suffer because of our own choices.  Driving and texting and getting in an accident is one way.  I know of people that it has taken nearly a year to heal from injuries received while texting and driving.  That is a lot of consequences to be faced with, for anyone. 
Sometimes we suffer because of the choices of others, jealousy, hate, envy and even murder all can be the cause of crimes against us that were not our fault.  I don't believe the Lord causes anyone to murder or be violent.  Nor do I believe the "devil made them do it".  Rather it is the consequences of a very bad choice on their part that leads to a very bad outcome for someone else. 
We also suffer because it is life.  We get sick, we get hurt, we have disease.  I have depression and anxiety, no because of anything that I have done to myself, but because it is life and that is how I cope with it.  It doesn't mean I have to like it.  It does mean that I need to know my own limits.  Something that I am realllllly trying to learn.

I am grateful for my scars.  I am glad they are over and that I am not still going through them, but they truly have made me into the woman I am today.  Many of them have given me the courage to fight for others.  I have become independent and strong.  I expect a lot of myself.  I work hard. 
There are also things that I have learned that I wish I could unlearn.  So, I am working on those.  You really CAN teach an old dog new tricks!  For me, I want to learn to play.  I am trying to do more games with my family.  I am not a game person.  Life has taught me to be serious more than silly and that is not the type of Grandmother that I want to be.  So, I am trying to learn and grow in other ways. 
We can all have gratitude for the lives that we are given and the people in our lives that help us to become our best selves.  I am not sure that I have to be grateful to those who have hurt me or the ones that I love, but I can work my hardest on forgiveness and trust that in the end, somehow in ways I don't understand, we will all be made whole. 

It Starts With You

 

 

This one is hard for me to remember.  Sometimes, I feel like it is Someone Else's responsibility to make sure I am happy.  My head knows that is wrong, but my heart wants it to be true. 

I found a great quote yesterday that says:  "Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they never stopped to enjoy it!" 

That is very much me.  I don't stop and smell the roses as my husband would tell me.  I just kind of go along trying and failing to get everything done and make everyone else happy.  It hurts me when I can't make it happen!  I get so busy with everyone else, that I forget to take the time that I need for me.  

Fighting depression and anxiety is a constant struggle.  I want so much to BE happy, but I go about it in all the wrong ways.  I spend way too much time working and surviving and not nearly enough time sitting back and enjoying.  I focus on the getting there, instead of on the journey itself.

I think maybe, my priorities for happiness are just a little bit (OK, maybe a lot), mixed up.  I forget how things don't make us happy.  It really is about what I am feeling inside, and when I am too tired to even enjoy the fruits of my labors, how can I ever think to find happiness.  

So, here I am, taking a deep breath and moving on.  

Happiness seems so elusive when we are getting down and dirty with life.  Just when it seems that I will move forward, I sink into a hidden puddle and end up sliding back.  Life is unpredictable.  It is hard.  It is lonely, it is rough and rowdy and really, really messy.   But I also know that it is possible find those little, sparkling gems of happiness in the middle of the mud. 

I have to find them inside myself first.     It sounds so simple, but is in reality pretty hard.  I have to look past the darkness and find those bits and pieces that can bring me joy.  I have to live in the present moment, instead of the future and the past.  I have to let go and trust that everything is in His hands and that He has my back. 

I have to believe that I am lovable and worth loving.  I have to believe that I am worth some tiny spark of happiness.  I have to believe that there is good within myself. 

I have to take time and make time to be happy.      

Wordless Wednesday - Wrestling with Alligators

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Letting Go

 

I forget to find joy in the moment.  I have an entire laundry list of Should have's and could have's, but I really need to figure out how to burn that list and come up with all the things are really ARE. 

When I was young, I really wanted to be a doctor, but life stepped in and I became a mother instead.  I am not sorry for a single moment of not doctoring that happened.  I am sorry that that dream took me so very long to let go of.  I started going to school to be a nurse, but found myself in the position of being a single mother instead.  So, I went to work.  I have waited tables, been a nursing assistant, delivered papers, taken pictures, been an EMT and even been a telephone solicitor.  I have done anything and everything that I could to support my family and raise my children. 

But I have never let go of the should have's and could have's.  Perhaps it is time now. 

I love my EMT job.  It doesn't really pay, but it is truly a job of love.  I love being able to help people who are hurting and see direct results because I get them to the care they need.  I love my family.  I have been able to raise and love my children.  They have become adults that I can be proud of.  They are truly better than I have ever been, and that is all I could ever ask for.  I think that my life looks exactly how it is supposed to.  It might not be the way that I imagined it, but it is a life that I can celebrate.   

 

2 Nephi 2:25    Adam fell that men might be;
and men are, that they might have joy.

Heavenly Father did not send us here to be miserable.  He wants us to be happy.  He wants us to have joy.  He wants us to celebrate the good things in our lives.  He wants us to celebrate our blessings.  I love that He is mindful of our happiness.  I love that He wants us to be positive about our lives.  So today, I am going to trust that He knows exactly who I needed to be and that all these experiences shall be for my good. 
Today, I am letting go of the past and moving forward toward a new future. 
Today, I am going to find my joy. 

Wordless Wednesday - Makes me smile!

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

To Try Them

I need more patience!  I don't want to have more, but I really do need it.  I am doing better that last year, but still find myself impatient and grumpy way too often.  That is one attribute that is really hard for me to develop.  I am not sure why I am so impatient with things and people.  I find myself knowing what I mean to say, but having others misunderstand it.  Then everyone gets a little bit snappy. 

That is not what I want at all.  I find myself constantly having to explain what I mean so that people don't take it badly.  I am going to try and experiment.  I read somewhere, (I really wish I could remember where!) in the past couple of days about trying to turn your words around and making what you say come out as gratitude to the person listening. 

For instance, when someone complains, tell them thank you for bringing that to my attention, I am so sorry that you feel that way.  It is supposed to defuse situations and reduce misunderstandings.  Hopefully, if I can be successful at it, I will also be developing more patience to go along with the gratitude. 

Revelation 3:10 Because thou hast kept the word of my patience, I also will keep thee from the hour of temptation, which shall come upon all the world, to try them that dwell upon the earth.

I found this scripture and it actually made me smile.  Who doesn't need help with temptations?  I know, right?  We all do, so if we keep the word of the Lord's patience, than He will keep us from temptation.  That is a promise that I really need in my own life.  I know that I certainly don't need more temptations! 

Every gift that He gives me helps me to learn and grow and to develop

even more patience with myself. 

Patience with my own faults and failings.

Patience in His word. 

Patience in His timing. 

Patience in suffering. 

Patience in His Grace. 

Be Ye Doers

It is so easy to get caught up in everything that is going on.  It is easy to put our Christianity, our religion, or even our good works aside.  In today's world, it is way too easy to become self-centered and selfish.  It is also too easy to get caught up in the negatives and forget how many blessings we are given.
I had a hard experience this week.  I was told that everybody in town hates me.  That I am way too mean.  That I make everyone angry.  That they were warned about me when they came here.  It was quite hurtful actually and made me want to lash out and retaliate. 
It can be hard living in a small town.  Sometimes it feels like I am in a bubble and everyone knows my business.  It can also be rewarding.  Several times a year, the community gets together for service.  I love how I feel when my brothers and sisters from every religion meet together and participate in something that has meaning and inspiration for my soul. 
Sometimes I have to balance the bad of a moment with the good that I know is really here.  It can be easy to get caught up in the negative and forget the positive. 
If I am honest with myself, I am probably not always as nice as I should be.  I still react to things instead of thinking them through.  I still make mistakes.  I still get angry.  I still get hurt.  I still want people to see things from my perspective.
We all make mistakes.  We all sin.  We all forget.  That is why it does my heart so much good to remember that I am loved by Him.  I am blessed by Him.  Even when I don't feel like it, He is there and loves me through it all. 
Today, I turned to a scripture in James and it reminded me that each one of us needs reminding once in a while.
 
James 1:22  But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Sometimes, I think I try too hard to deceive myself. I hear the words that are spoken, but my own habits and responses let me down. I forget to be a doer.  It makes me wonder what I could or should do differently.  What would make me calm instead of angry?  What would make me happy instead of stressed?  What would make me a doer instead of a hearer only? 

I am thankful that He doesn't lose hope in me.  I struggle and I reach and hopefully, eventually, I will achieve what I am looking for.  I hate to even think of praying for patience and understanding, I never have liked the results of that!  But at this time in my life, I think maybe it is time to let go and trust Him.  To have Him help me become a doer of the word so that when others see me, they also feel Him near.  I really want others to feel the love in my heart that I have for them.  I want them to know that they are cared about.  That they are loved and needed.  That they always have been, and always will be His. 

I want to be a doer of His word. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings - His Timing

“God’s promises are not always fulfilled as quickly as or in the way we might hope; they come according to His timing and in His ways. … The promises of the Lord, if perhaps not always swift, are always certain.”

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency, “Continue in Patience,” Ensign, May 2010, 58.

Plan A

 

Life never seems to go quite the way we plan it.  I am learning, through my own experience, that is ok.  I used to love to go to Women's Conference up in Utah at BYU.  It is a weekend with speakers who talk about all kinds of things.  I take it pretty seriously and go through the entire schedule to circle the speakers I would like to hear and also back up ones in case the session is full.  It can get crazy there as it seems to me that all the speakers I want to hear, there are several thousand of my sisters who want to hear the same ones.  I can't tell you how many times I have had to go to a class that didn't even sound interesting to me, only to find it was exactly what I needed to hear. 
Life is a little like those conferences.  We go through lots of trials in this life.  Most of us have a plan for dealing with them.  However, if you are like me, often plan A does not even come close to dealing with the problem.  Sometimes, it seems as if I get all the way to plan X or Y before I find something that will work. 
I can get so caught up in my own visualizing of the situation, that I don't take into account what is really needed.  For instance, I get so excited about serving someone, that I forget to take into account others might not want to serve with me.  In my mind, everyone is on the same page.  They all want to do the same things that I want to do.  Of course, that is not true, I just forget and want everyone else to find the same joy that I do in service.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.  We each find joy in our own types of service.  We don't all find joy in doing the same things.
I am a planner, and often, when things don't go quite the way I planned for them to go, I get upset and stressed about what is going to happen.  I am not sure that I will ever deal with stress in a positive way, I am trying to see stress as simply more changes.  I keep telling myself that "change is good", right???
Or, if it is not good, perhaps it is good for me.  Nevertheless, much like my experience at BYU, I think that my Heavenly Father knows the things I need to do and He will put them in my path if I will just trust in Him.  He knew I needed to hear those speakers at just that time.  It can be hard to trust when you can't see where the road you are on ends.  It can be even harder to let go and simply believe.  However, I know that He is ever mindful of us.  One of my favorite scriptures, that brings me peace is found in Alma

Alma 36:27
And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.

I might not have been in prison, but I have been made a prisoner because of the actions of others.  I know that He is with me and watching over me.  As I look back over the past several years, I can realize that my Plan A, was never His.  He wanted me to work through it, but He did not leave me alone.  Eventually, I got there. 
I have come to discover that, only after our trial, comes the blessings.  Today, I can be thankful that the Plan A's of my life have seldom worked out.  I an appreciate the struggle.  I can recognize the strength I have gained, and I can appreciate the Love that He has for me. 

Let Love conquer

Darn, I did not want to read this one.  Sometimes, I just want to know that I have been wronged.  That someone has not been kind, or loving, or even very nice.  I don't want to conquer my pride.  I don't want to set it aside.  I don't want to feel weak and helpless.  Sometimes, I just want the person that did all the hurting to pay the consequences of their sin. 
But I try and listen when those loving me speak.  I try and pay attention.  And I even know their words are for me.  As hard as it is, these words tell me that I need to let go.  That I am also in the wrong.  There is a scripture that reminds me of this.

Matthew 6:14-15

 14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Sometimes, I just want to be angry.  I want  to pour oil on the fire and fan the flames.  I want someone to pay for what has been done.  Sometimes, retribution sounds so much better than forgiveness. 

And then I remember the healing that came with His blood.

The power of His Atonement and sacrifice. 

The strength of His love. 

I am content to let the water of forgiveness wash away the fire of revenge. 

I am content to let His Healing was away the pain.

I am content to put in all in His Hands.

Everything you need

This has been a hard thing for me to learn.  I did without for so many years, that I tend to collect things now.  I really don't need anymore of pretty much anything.  I am out of space to put everything and the dust bunnies are ready to run away with my house!!  I think they are on the attack!
Why is it so easy to want the next big thing?  To look forward to tomorrow, or next week, or even next year?  Why do we waste so much of our lives looking for the next moment? 
I can remember saying,
I will be happy when they are all out of diapers.
I will be happy when they can feed themselves.
I will be happy when they don't mess up the house.
I will be happy when I am retired
I will be happy when.............

I am thinking that Heavenly Father doesn't want us to wait to be happy.  He wants us to find things that bring us joy every single day.  They can be simple things, or more complex.  I love the way my Grand children smile and laugh and giggle.  I love the way my teenage girls are learning to help each other and be kinder to each other. 

I love living in the now.

This Christmas, I received one of the greatest gifts I could have imagined.  Christmas is hard for me.  It is the busiest season at work, I usually have a lot to worry about, (money, hours, people, packages, ect....)  It is also busy at the fire department where I volunteer.  People get sick any time and the holidays don't make it any better.  Sometimes, it is even a little bit worse. 
To top it off, my husband loves to be Santa.  He goes to the valley every weekend and does his "Santa Gigs".  He loves it.  However, 7 days a week work, me having to teach his church class as well as the Primary music every week, makes Mom and little bit cranky. 
He has 3 Santa appointments on Christmas Eve and to top that off, a blizzard blew in that evening.  We were not sure that he was going to make it home that night.  We have a tradition for Christmas Eve.  We all open one gift, and that gift is always Pajamas.  The girls decided (on their own with no prompting from me) that they would wait to open their Pajama's until Dad got home safely.  Midnight came around and He was taking it slow up the rim when I got a call for the Fire Department to go out in the storm and drive someone to the hospital. 
Imagine my surprise when I came home at 3:00AM to find my family snuggled up on the couch, sleeping, and waiting for me.  So, we all opened our Christmas eve Pajamas and slept in.  It was amazing. 
Then the next morning the girls (again on their own) decided that we weren't going to open any Christmas presents until their brother got home later that day.  Not once did anyone complain.  We had Miracle and Quinn over, made a nice dinner and enjoyed it as a family and then opened gifts at about 7:00PM. 
All I could think of what that this was Heavenly Father's way of showing me that I have made a difference in my own small corner of the world. 
I love that corner!
I love everything and everyone that are in it.
I love living in the now
All that I have really is everything that I need.

Wordless Wednesday - Posterity

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Doing Love Wrong

I had to write about this today.  I can be very opinionated it what I believe is wrong or right.  At least, I can be opinionated within myself.  But perhaps my greatest strength is simply my ability to love everyone.  I believe this.  More importantly, I think my Heavenly Father believes this way.  We are not placed here to be judge and jury over our fellow sojourners.  Only He has the ability to be that.  Only he looks inside and knows everything about us.  Only he knows why we make the mistakes we make. 

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

I believe every single one of us are made in His image.  That that image shines through us and into the hearts of others when we find within ourselves that little piece of Christ Like love within.  Personally, whether you are right or wrong doesn't matter to me.  I have made plenty of mistakes all by myself that I need to repent of, without worrying about yours. 
In my life, love is a gift that I give to those around me.  Perhaps that is why I take betrayal so very hard.  You are worth loving, no matter what choices you have made.  Whether they are good or bad, whether you are rich or poor, no matter your color, gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation.  You are His and HE loves you always. 
I have learned that people don't always like differences.  I wonder if our differences scare us a little.  I am amazed by that.  I think this earth would be so very boring if we were all exactly the same.  I have experienced those in my own life who are prejudiced against me.  Mostly because I am female or a boss or because of my religious beliefs.  It can be so difficult to be judged for something that means the world to me. 
I have been persecuted and condemned and even told that I was going to go to hell because I did not believe the same way.  It makes me sad.  The God that I believe in is a loving Father, who has my back in all things.  He knows exactly who I am and loves me in spite of myself.  The God that I know is one who loves each of us, no matter what we affiliate with.  He knows us intimately in our grief, sorrows and pain.  He also knows our joys and blessings.  The God that I believe in wants us to have joy in this life.  He wants us to love one another.  To be kind to one another.  To help one another on our journey. 
He wants us to learn to love right.  Without condition.  Without needed to be the same.  Without needing to agree or be right or be wrong. 
The God that I believe in is a God of love and kindness, a God of repentance and forgiveness, a God of peace and joy. 
My hope for today is that we will each strive a little bit harder to love those that are hard for us to love.  Find a little bit of common ground in every sinner and in every saint. 
I believe if we love them, we will find no time at all to judge them, and a lot more time to love Him.   

You are Worth it!

I have done hard things in my life.  There have been times when I could not believe that life was worth living, let alone that  I might ever be worth loving.  For much of my life, I craved love and affection from people who were unable to give it.  I truly felt as if every one that I ever loved eventually turned their backs on me and betrayed me in some way.  It was not a happy way to live, and has pushed and pulled at me right through my life.  Last year, wanting it or not, some things happened that made it impossible for me to ignore what I needed any longer.  I have had to work very hard to help myself and to be willing to get help for myself.  I have had to change, and like it or not, it has been a difficult, yet positive thing. 
I know that I needed that change, although I really have fought against it.  I really struggle to get help for myself, to spend money on myself, to bare my soul, relive the hurt and overcome my past.  I wish the remodeling of my soul was finished, but I know that I still have so very far to go. 
I have told you before that I am a worrier.  I think my past probably made me that way.  It certainly made me strong in some ways, and weaker in others.  I constantly struggle with self esteem and the cruel taskmaster jealousy.  I feel like life is somehow a competition for love. 
Living years with a man who constantly points out the good in my, has gone a long way toward healing the hurt that has always been a part of me.  And, on the days when I just can't seem to get out of bed, he is supportive of that too.  Maybe, the guilt comes from my own need to be better. 
There is a scripture that I love, it is found in Doctrine and Covenants 121:7

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;"

When I was younger, it seemed as if the bad times in my life lasted practically forever.  It still seems that way when I am going through a bad place, but this past couple of years have not dragged like the ones before.  There have been things to learn and grow with.  There have been so many parts of me to change.  Time, as hard as it can be, also brings us joy. 
My youngest daughter turned 16 yesterday, and I look back and remember as if it were a blink.  Time has flown when I think of her.  She brings me laughter and joy.  When I work at changing my focus to the happy times, the bad ones don't have such a hold over my heart and do not seem to last as long. 
I saw something on facebook yesterday, and it made so much sense to me.
Those who argue about whether the glass is half empty or half full are completely missing the point. 
The glass is refillable.
That is life.  It is not good or bad, it just is.  There are half full joys and half empty trials, but the glass, the opportunity to live life to the fullest is refillable.  And one of us (including me) can start today and change the ending of our own story.  No matter what trials we have faced or what sins we have made, we can each one, take charge from here on out.  Indeed, that is the only thing we have control of.  Nothing I do will change the past, and nothing I do will change the decisions of others, but I can and I will make my own decisions to be joyful and happy. 
I am worth that.

Sabbath Day Scribblings - New Heart

"Cast away from you all your transgressions, whereby ye have transgressed; and make you a new heart and a new spirit: for why will ye die, O house of Israel?"

Ezekiel 18:31