Look Heavenward

It can be so hard for me to keep my eyes up.  I suffer from depression and anxiety.  I worry about everything and everyone.  My life, seems to be filled with constant half empty glasses.  I am trying to change that.  This year, I picked for my word of the year, PRESENT.  I know that worry is caused by focusing too much on the could happens of the future.  Worry is caused by trying to do every thing myself.  Worry is caused my holding tight to my own problems, needs, confusions, anger, resentment and fear. 
The opposite of worry is trust.  I think the only way for me to be truly present in the here and now is to trust God to take care of the future.  This is going to be a hard thing for me to accomplish.  I know it sounds easy, but it really isn't.  Life is not always fair or kind or beautiful.  Sometimes it is very, very hard.  Sometimes those hard things teach you that you can only depend on yourself and never others. 
This year, I want to be closer to Him.  I want to let go of the past and the future and more consciously live in the present.  This year, I want my yearning and searching and looking to be upward.
This year, I want to be PRESENT. 

Peaches

Believe it or not, this one is hard for me.  All my life, I have wanted to be liked.  I have wanted to have friends and people around me who care.  I have wanted to feel like I had worth.  Yet, most of my life, I have struggled on alone and often lonely.  I thought that I was friendless and unlovable.
When I was in school, I was the child who got off the bus, with over a mile to walk home, and got beat up just because I looked funny.  I learned to walk the five miles home through the desert to avoid the fights.  I never  could figure out what it was that I did in 9th grade to deserve that kind of treatment.
Looking back, I think it was mostly that I was a survivor.  I was abused, beaten, and ridiculed.  I never did learn how to just shut my mouth and take it.  I always had to have the last word.  Looking back, I probably was exactly the type of child they were looking for to pick on and beat up.
I was a child with no self esteem.  I did not know where I was going or what I wanted, but as I figured those things out, one at a time, I hung onto that truth with all the tenacity of my soul.

Trial after trial has come to my life.  Hope after hope has been vanquished.  But I have kept growing.  In my adult years, I have even discovered the joy of a few friends.  I have realized that you can be kind to everyone, yet people will still not like you.  I have also realized that I don't have to hate them for it.  That it is better for my heart if I love them anyway in spite of the fact that they hate peaches!  (and me).

As I have grown, I have discovered that really good friends do not surround you.  They don't suffocate you with attention or needs.  Mostly, they hold you up when you are down, they talk you through the hard times, they hold on tight when you are falling, and they love you through it all.   I have discovered that one or two good friends can do more than multitudes of acquaintances.  And that means everything to me.
I am so thankful for those few good friends who steady me, love me, and support me in my life.

God's Choir

 

 

Several years ago, I was able to go to Utah and attend Women's Conference on the BYU Campus.  It was an amazing experience and I loved it.  One of the things you can choose to do there is to participate in a virtual choir. 

If you sign up, you are sent the music to learn on your own.  Then, on the first day of the conference, you show up two hours early to practice the songs you have learned.  At some point in the program, the choir sings the songs they are practiced.  It is quite an overwhelming experience! 

It even sounds good, so that makes it especially eventful.  Every single woman there, singing one of four parts that they learned on their own time and in their own small corner of the world.  Those parts blended into a perfect harmony that fills me with joy.

There is so much hate in the world today.  So many who feel oppressed and trodden upon.  I love the above thought by Jeffrey R. Holland.  It reminds me that we were each born to be different. 

We each get to stand out in our own unique ways.  I am not the same as anyone else. 

If I want to belong to something where everyone is exactly the same, I am living in the wrong place for that.  Every single on of us have differences.  Some of them are visible to others.  Some of them are only visible to ourselves.  Some of them are physical, some are emotional, some are mental.  But we all have differences.  We are unique sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father.  

When I hear about people who are oppressed or treated differently, I can't help but wonder how that makes Heavenly Father feel.  He created all of us.  He loves each one of us.  He blesses us and walks with us and wants us to love one another the way that He does.  

He doesn't ever ask us to become like anyone else.  He just wants us to become His.      

Accidental Believers

 

I have found this one to be more true than I ever imagined.  Belief is a personal matter, but if you don't study and learn and grow, your beliefs will change.  If you don't have a personal testimony, there will come a time when it will be easier to not believe.  There will be times when others will sway you with their arguments or opinions. 

All my life, I have had a testimony that God loves me.  I can't even begin to explain why I felt so strongly about that.  Perhaps it is because of the fear I had as a child,  seeing a face in the window that terrified me and praying so hard for it to go away.  Feeling the comfort and knowledge that is was gone and I was safe.  It never seemed to matter what church I was going to either.  My testimony at that time was not built upon a church.  It was built upon a Savior.  It seemed to me that I could find Him anywhere if I looked hard enough. 

I think that might be why my testimony today is so strong.  It is because I have looked for Him and believed in Him no matter where I was or what I was doing.  When I searched for Him, I found others who taught me of His love.  When I needed Him, He was there.  He didn't take away the bad things in my life, but He was always there so that I did not walk the path alone. 

I have learned that I have to look for His influence in my life.  He does not shout out to me.  He does not appear beside me to save the day.  Mostly, He is just there.  Comforting my journey, lighting my way, reminding me that I am loved and needed and enough. 

The world would have us believe there is no Savior, that He is a great myth.  That there is no righteousness or unrighteousness.  That we don't need a God in our lives anymore.  I have even heard that we have outgrown our need for Him.  But I say, He is there waiting for you to hear the still small voice.  He is there to carry you forward when your footsteps falter with fatigue and weariness.  He is there to heal your heart and make you whole. 

We never outgrow our need for acceptance and love.  We never outgrow our need for understanding and peace.  We never could possibly outgrow our need for Him. 

Not what you think I said

This one gets me into trouble on a regular basis.  So many times, in my work or even at church, people think that they understood something I said that I never meant the way they heard, and can't even remember saying.  Take work for example.  I had someone get really angry with me because he said that one of us told him it was fine that he didn't renew his box.  Problem is, none of us would ever say that because if you don't renew your box, you lose it and the lock gets changed and the mail gets sent back to sender.  It really is not a choice we have.  The computer system tells us when to close a box and what boxes to close.  With nearly 3000 PO Boxes, it is not something that I can even begin to remember. 

That is just one instance of a big misunderstanding.  I seem to attract those like some people attract flies.  Even if I don't say it, it is always, always, always my fault.  I have been very stressed lately.  At work, we are two clerks down and I only have four to begin with.  We are working weekends, holidays and early mornings.  Mostly I am just tired.  And people sometimes (or even often) take advantage of that. 

My boss told me today that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  So, hopefully that means the hiring process is moving along at a nice pace now.  The wheels on this bus seem to move oh so slow!

I cannot believe how exhausted I really am.  Of course, it probably doesn't help that I run for the fire department nearly every night, and there are so many things going on in my personal life. 

My husband is having surgery on Friday, My daughter is graduating at the end of the month.  I am behind on getting the announcements out and on doing her collage for her pictures for her friends.  She is also getting ready to go on her senior trip and thinks she needs new pants with everything else. 

Sometimes, I know that I say the right things, but people just hear what they want to hear, and they don't hear what they don't want to.  It is so hard for me to say no, but when I do, people don't believe that I mean it.  I must be easy to convince that I am wrong or something.

This week, I am trying a little harder to take care of myself.  I am writing, I am reading my scriptures, I am trying to be kind even when I say no.  It doesn't always work, but it helps if I am not quite so frustrated with the life that I am living.  I just don't cope well when I feel like those around me are taking advantage of me.  So, this week, I am only going to be responsible for what I say, and not for what they want to hear.  I am only responsible for what I mean, and not what anyone else perceives.  I am only responsible for me.  

Life - The difficult

 

This one has real meaning for me.  I know that in my life, I have spent too much time trying to copy the people that I admire and respect.  Cutting my hair like them, dressing like them, picking up on their words and phrases.  It was much worse when I was younger and so insecure with the girl that I was, and even more insecure with the young woman I was becoming.  

The sad part is that inside, I am still sometimes that girl.  I still want to be liked.  I want people to admire me and my family.  I want to be like the other families in our small community, that everyone looks up to.   I want my children to be liked, respected and popular.  Intellectually, I know that popularity isn't everything, but in this community, it really seems to make or break the kids.  People here think that bullying doesn't go on in our town or our schools.  We are talking really big city here.  My daughters graduating class two years ago was 31 students.  So, I think that bullying is even harder in a small town.  If you are not with the in crowd, than you are out, and no one will be your friend. 

It breaks my heart to watch my girls go through this.  It causes so many emotional problems.  My love isn't enough for them.  They want the acceptance of their peers. 

I have grown older (yep, think grey) and now it is not so important to me what "everyone" thinks.  The elusive "everyone" really does not exist.  It still matters what they say though.  For some reason, it is not what is done that is the most difficult for me to handle, it is what is said.  I remember the words long after the deeds. 

I am content with just a few close friends.  I think if I had any more than that, the guilt of not being able to be there for "everyone" would overwhelm me.  I am very grateful for my friends who support me and help me through the hard times.  I am not as grateful for those whom I thought were my friends, but they turned out differently.  I suppose High School lives on in some peoples lives.  As for me, I am so glad that part is long over. 

The reason I love the quote above is because it reminds me that Heavenly Father made me who I am.  He did not make me to be another Mary or Martha or Eve.  He made me and placed me in this place because I can do some good.  I can learn and grow and become more like Him.  He does not ever want us to be "everybody else".  He has always intended that we would be ourselves, with our own talents and blessings.  Most important of all, He loves us exactly how we are right now.  With our makeup off, our hair straight (or frizzy in my case), and our clothes wrinkled and worn.  It isn't the face that we show to the world that He sees.  It isn't how we did on someone else's test that matters.  It is who we are becoming and what He needs us to be. 

So, don't be a poor example of anyone else.  Be your own unique self and know right now that you are loved. 

 

We all go through stuff

I needed this laugh today.  It reminds me that every single one of us have problems and difficulties.  What might have me overwhelmed and completely underwater, might be just a puddle for you.  None of us are alike.  And, just because I handle my stuff differently than you do, doesn't make either one of us weak or unfaithful. 

I had an experience several years ago that I remember.  I was really struggling with depression.  (sometimes I think that struggle is pretty much never-ending)!   One of the people that I worked with expressed criticism that I could profess to be a woman of faith, and yet not seem to have to faith to view my own world differently.  It was pretty devastating at the time, as I really do try and strengthen my faith every chance I get.  However, I have learned that the amount of faith you have, does not destroy depression and discouragement.  Sometimes it can help you through the process a little bit faster, but it does not destroy it. 
I really have wished and prayed and studied, hoping that somehow faith would overcome this thorn in my side, but the answers have been slow in coming.  This is something that I have struggled with all my life.  As much as I wish I could put it aside, I have learned that it is constantly with me.  Having faith, does not and never has lessoned the depression.  Having faith, gives me the strength to push through even when my head can't see the way.  It gives me the chance to overcome my fears and my nightmares.  It doesn't change the problem, but it does change me. 
We can't judge anyone else by our standards.  What may seem as naught to you, might be a huge gap to me.  What might take all my strength to walk across, might just take you a hop and a skip.  I have learned that my problems are not worse than yours, and yours are not necessarily worse than mine.  Our problems just are.  They are a result of our choices, others choices, or just something that life has given us to endure.  As we struggle through them, we will find the blessings.  Maybe not quite how we imagined, but they will be there. 
I believe that I have a loving Father in Heaven who has not left me here to be alone in my trials, but rather has sent those along the way to give me the courage to keep marching on.  I believe that we all go through "stuff", and that stuff gives us purpose, compassion and understanding.  Sometimes, okay, oftentimes, it is very hard, but still it can be done.  We can get through anything as long as we know that He has us by the hand and does not let go.  We can walk on through Him.  We can make it because of Him.  In our trials, We can become His. 

Every Single Scar

I have felt his way for a very long time.  There are things in my life that I could wish away!  But when I really stop and think about it, all those things have led me to this place right here that I am living. 
One of the most important things I have learned about trials, is that the Lord never gives us a trial without also providing a blessing for us.  Often the blessing is not noticed for a time, but that does not negate the fact that it is there.  I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen to us.  I do believe that things happen for one of three reasons:

1. Our own sins.
2.  The sins of others.
3.  It is part of living our lives.

Yes, I like to simplify things.  But it helps me in the long run to NOT blame God. 
Sometimes, we suffer because of our own choices.  Driving and texting and getting in an accident is one way.  I know of people that it has taken nearly a year to heal from injuries received while texting and driving.  That is a lot of consequences to be faced with, for anyone. 
Sometimes we suffer because of the choices of others, jealousy, hate, envy and even murder all can be the cause of crimes against us that were not our fault.  I don't believe the Lord causes anyone to murder or be violent.  Nor do I believe the "devil made them do it".  Rather it is the consequences of a very bad choice on their part that leads to a very bad outcome for someone else. 
We also suffer because it is life.  We get sick, we get hurt, we have disease.  I have depression and anxiety, no because of anything that I have done to myself, but because it is life and that is how I cope with it.  It doesn't mean I have to like it.  It does mean that I need to know my own limits.  Something that I am realllllly trying to learn.

I am grateful for my scars.  I am glad they are over and that I am not still going through them, but they truly have made me into the woman I am today.  Many of them have given me the courage to fight for others.  I have become independent and strong.  I expect a lot of myself.  I work hard. 
There are also things that I have learned that I wish I could unlearn.  So, I am working on those.  You really CAN teach an old dog new tricks!  For me, I want to learn to play.  I am trying to do more games with my family.  I am not a game person.  Life has taught me to be serious more than silly and that is not the type of Grandmother that I want to be.  So, I am trying to learn and grow in other ways. 
We can all have gratitude for the lives that we are given and the people in our lives that help us to become our best selves.  I am not sure that I have to be grateful to those who have hurt me or the ones that I love, but I can work my hardest on forgiveness and trust that in the end, somehow in ways I don't understand, we will all be made whole. 

Be Ye Doers

It is so easy to get caught up in everything that is going on.  It is easy to put our Christianity, our religion, or even our good works aside.  In today's world, it is way too easy to become self-centered and selfish.  It is also too easy to get caught up in the negatives and forget how many blessings we are given.
I had a hard experience this week.  I was told that everybody in town hates me.  That I am way too mean.  That I make everyone angry.  That they were warned about me when they came here.  It was quite hurtful actually and made me want to lash out and retaliate. 
It can be hard living in a small town.  Sometimes it feels like I am in a bubble and everyone knows my business.  It can also be rewarding.  Several times a year, the community gets together for service.  I love how I feel when my brothers and sisters from every religion meet together and participate in something that has meaning and inspiration for my soul. 
Sometimes I have to balance the bad of a moment with the good that I know is really here.  It can be easy to get caught up in the negative and forget the positive. 
If I am honest with myself, I am probably not always as nice as I should be.  I still react to things instead of thinking them through.  I still make mistakes.  I still get angry.  I still get hurt.  I still want people to see things from my perspective.
We all make mistakes.  We all sin.  We all forget.  That is why it does my heart so much good to remember that I am loved by Him.  I am blessed by Him.  Even when I don't feel like it, He is there and loves me through it all. 
Today, I turned to a scripture in James and it reminded me that each one of us needs reminding once in a while.
 
James 1:22  But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

Sometimes, I think I try too hard to deceive myself. I hear the words that are spoken, but my own habits and responses let me down. I forget to be a doer.  It makes me wonder what I could or should do differently.  What would make me calm instead of angry?  What would make me happy instead of stressed?  What would make me a doer instead of a hearer only? 

I am thankful that He doesn't lose hope in me.  I struggle and I reach and hopefully, eventually, I will achieve what I am looking for.  I hate to even think of praying for patience and understanding, I never have liked the results of that!  But at this time in my life, I think maybe it is time to let go and trust Him.  To have Him help me become a doer of the word so that when others see me, they also feel Him near.  I really want others to feel the love in my heart that I have for them.  I want them to know that they are cared about.  That they are loved and needed.  That they always have been, and always will be His. 

I want to be a doer of His word. 

Doing Love Wrong

I had to write about this today.  I can be very opinionated it what I believe is wrong or right.  At least, I can be opinionated within myself.  But perhaps my greatest strength is simply my ability to love everyone.  I believe this.  More importantly, I think my Heavenly Father believes this way.  We are not placed here to be judge and jury over our fellow sojourners.  Only He has the ability to be that.  Only he looks inside and knows everything about us.  Only he knows why we make the mistakes we make. 

Genesis 1:27 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them."

I believe every single one of us are made in His image.  That that image shines through us and into the hearts of others when we find within ourselves that little piece of Christ Like love within.  Personally, whether you are right or wrong doesn't matter to me.  I have made plenty of mistakes all by myself that I need to repent of, without worrying about yours. 
In my life, love is a gift that I give to those around me.  Perhaps that is why I take betrayal so very hard.  You are worth loving, no matter what choices you have made.  Whether they are good or bad, whether you are rich or poor, no matter your color, gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation.  You are His and HE loves you always. 
I have learned that people don't always like differences.  I wonder if our differences scare us a little.  I am amazed by that.  I think this earth would be so very boring if we were all exactly the same.  I have experienced those in my own life who are prejudiced against me.  Mostly because I am female or a boss or because of my religious beliefs.  It can be so difficult to be judged for something that means the world to me. 
I have been persecuted and condemned and even told that I was going to go to hell because I did not believe the same way.  It makes me sad.  The God that I believe in is a loving Father, who has my back in all things.  He knows exactly who I am and loves me in spite of myself.  The God that I know is one who loves each of us, no matter what we affiliate with.  He knows us intimately in our grief, sorrows and pain.  He also knows our joys and blessings.  The God that I believe in wants us to have joy in this life.  He wants us to love one another.  To be kind to one another.  To help one another on our journey. 
He wants us to learn to love right.  Without condition.  Without needed to be the same.  Without needing to agree or be right or be wrong. 
The God that I believe in is a God of love and kindness, a God of repentance and forgiveness, a God of peace and joy. 
My hope for today is that we will each strive a little bit harder to love those that are hard for us to love.  Find a little bit of common ground in every sinner and in every saint. 
I believe if we love them, we will find no time at all to judge them, and a lot more time to love Him.