Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Believe it or not, this one is hard for me. All my life, I have wanted to be liked. I have wanted to have friends and people around me who care. I have wanted to feel like I had worth. Yet, most of my life, I have struggled on alone and often lonely. I thought that I was friendless and unlovable.
When I was in school, I was the child who got off the bus, with over a mile to walk home, and got beat up just because I looked funny. I learned to walk the five miles home through the desert to avoid the fights. I never could figure out what it was that I did in 9th grade to deserve that kind of treatment.
Looking back, I think it was mostly that I was a survivor. I was abused, beaten, and ridiculed. I never did learn how to just shut my mouth and take it. I always had to have the last word. Looking back, I probably was exactly the type of child they were looking for to pick on and beat up.
I was a child with no self esteem. I did not know where I was going or what I wanted, but as I figured those things out, one at a time, I hung onto that truth with all the tenacity of my soul.
Trial after trial has come to my life. Hope after hope has been vanquished. But I have kept growing. In my adult years, I have even discovered the joy of a few friends. I have realized that you can be kind to everyone, yet people will still not like you. I have also realized that I don't have to hate them for it. That it is better for my heart if I love them anyway in spite of the fact that they hate peaches! (and me).
As I have grown, I have discovered that really good friends do not surround you. They don't suffocate you with attention or needs. Mostly, they hold you up when you are down, they talk you through the hard times, they hold on tight when you are falling, and they love you through it all. I have discovered that one or two good friends can do more than multitudes of acquaintances. And that means everything to me.
I am so thankful for those few good friends who steady me, love me, and support me in my life.