Harmony

Sometimes, we think that happiness is something we buy, or something we receive.  It is the new house, or the new car, or the new toy.  We start to think that happiness is more about things than about the life we are living.  We forget that happiness is something we have to find from within.
Happiness is a state of mind and being.  It is not and never has been about things.  It is not even about people or those we love.  It is not about feeling lonely or lost or useless.  It is about changing the way we are thinking and the parts of life that we are looking at.
I tend to focus on too much negative in my life.  Believe me, if you look for it, you will find it everywhere!  We are surrounded by negative things.  There are always those who seem to have it better than we do.  There are always others to compare ourselves to.  There is always something we want and can't get.  There are always things going wrong and it can seem as if not enough is going right in our lives. 
I suffer from depression and anxiety.  Those are two diseases that make it so that I can't even begin to explain how many negatives I experience any given day.  I constantly focus on that negative and on my internal thoughts and feelings and feel a complete lack of happiness in my life.  There are moments, but it is not a constant state for me. 
I am trying to change myself to get better at find the harmony within.  The things I do and say are usually good.  But it is the thoughts that continually bring my focus to the problem places instead of the joy.  It is my thoughts that I need to change.
So, what am I doing?  I am trying to remind myself that a bad moment is simply a moment.  It is not my entire life.  I am trying to surround myself with reminders of joy.  Pictures of grandchildren, papers they have drawn for me, cards and notes and pictures of events. 
When the negative intrudes (as it will) I am trying to shift my focus to one of those joyful things.  I have thoughts and quotes on my bathroom mirror and around my house.  I am reading uplifting material.  I am starting to write again and draw and allow myself to post and do something that seems imperfect to me.  I am trying to focus on the good inside myself instead of the person that I think I SHOULD be.  I am letting go instead of holding on. 
Happiness is available to each one of us.  I am learning that it is more focused on the way I look outward and inward than it is a real state of being in Harmony with yourself. 

Two Cents

 

 

As I go through my struggles, it is hard to remember that not everyone else's opinions of me should count or do count in the grand scheme of things.  It is easy to have my day ruined by a customer that yells at me, or someone who is snarky to me.  By the person in the grocery store who runs over my foot or the person driving on the road and laying on their horn.  

I have discovered that it can be easy for my feeling to be hurt, for my heart to ache and for my anger to bubble up and sometimes even spill over.  

I am not sure why it matters so much, I only know that it does.  There are days when tears are right at the surface and when I literally can't face another bad word or angry person.  There are days when people can yell and I am just fine with it.  I have yet to figure out what in me responds in a bad or a good way.  

All I can say is that 2 cents doesn't buy us much today.  I remember when I was growing up and we would collect coke bottles for 3 cents each.  We thought that was such a lot of money.  And for children, it was.  

But sometimes I forget how little 2 cents really is and let it build all out of proportion to what is really going on.  I take that 2 cents and somehow, in my crazy world, it becomes equivalent to 10,000 dollars.   

So, as you go about your day, don't let someone else's belittling words matter more to you than they should.  You are worth so much more than the measly 2 cents. 

Not what you think I said

This one gets me into trouble on a regular basis.  So many times, in my work or even at church, people think that they understood something I said that I never meant the way they heard, and can't even remember saying.  Take work for example.  I had someone get really angry with me because he said that one of us told him it was fine that he didn't renew his box.  Problem is, none of us would ever say that because if you don't renew your box, you lose it and the lock gets changed and the mail gets sent back to sender.  It really is not a choice we have.  The computer system tells us when to close a box and what boxes to close.  With nearly 3000 PO Boxes, it is not something that I can even begin to remember. 

That is just one instance of a big misunderstanding.  I seem to attract those like some people attract flies.  Even if I don't say it, it is always, always, always my fault.  I have been very stressed lately.  At work, we are two clerks down and I only have four to begin with.  We are working weekends, holidays and early mornings.  Mostly I am just tired.  And people sometimes (or even often) take advantage of that. 

My boss told me today that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  So, hopefully that means the hiring process is moving along at a nice pace now.  The wheels on this bus seem to move oh so slow!

I cannot believe how exhausted I really am.  Of course, it probably doesn't help that I run for the fire department nearly every night, and there are so many things going on in my personal life. 

My husband is having surgery on Friday, My daughter is graduating at the end of the month.  I am behind on getting the announcements out and on doing her collage for her pictures for her friends.  She is also getting ready to go on her senior trip and thinks she needs new pants with everything else. 

Sometimes, I know that I say the right things, but people just hear what they want to hear, and they don't hear what they don't want to.  It is so hard for me to say no, but when I do, people don't believe that I mean it.  I must be easy to convince that I am wrong or something.

This week, I am trying a little harder to take care of myself.  I am writing, I am reading my scriptures, I am trying to be kind even when I say no.  It doesn't always work, but it helps if I am not quite so frustrated with the life that I am living.  I just don't cope well when I feel like those around me are taking advantage of me.  So, this week, I am only going to be responsible for what I say, and not for what they want to hear.  I am only responsible for what I mean, and not what anyone else perceives.  I am only responsible for me.