I have a hard time waiting. I want it all explained. I want know exactly what I can and cannot do. I want to understand everything. I am not very patient. However, I am learning that I take in things so much better when I wait until the Lord teaches me to understand. I can accept many things on faith, that is not a problem for me. But I really like to understand. To have that witness. To be able to explain.
There are so many things that make it hard to understand what is going on. There are people I love who don't live the way that I would wish them to. There are children who are not being raised in the gospel of Jesus Christ. There are those who are bitter and angry, and blame me for their own sins. I really don't understand it at all. So my prayer is for the Lord to give me patience until that time comes. Honestly, I am not even sure it will come in this life. I am not sure it will happen in the moment when I think I need it, but I am trying to put my trust in Him that it will all work out in a way that is the best for everyone involved.
I am starting to figure out that it is not necessary to understand everything. Sometimes, the Lord is waiting for my perspective to change. Sometimes, I need to learn something for myself before I can even begin to understand. Sometimes, my own feelings need to change. Sometimes, I need to forgive before I can move forward. All I can say, is that I know the Lord will help me to understand in His own time. It might not be now, but someday, I will understand.
I have been doing a lot of reading. I have a psychologist now who is helping me to work on some things. It has been a hard road. But in my reading, one of the things that has happened recently is that I am starting to understand that the Lord does not give us all the answers. He expects us to question and ask and look for them ourselves. It makes me wonder if part of the learning is in the seeking.
Luke 11:9 - 10
9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
I believe that we will come to find the answers. I believe that He wants us to find them. He wants us to learn and grow and seek and become. He wants us to have patience to wait until we are ready to understand.