I have done hard things in my life. There have been times when I could not believe that life was worth living, let alone that I might ever be worth loving. For much of my life, I craved love and affection from people who were unable to give it. I truly felt as if every one that I ever loved eventually turned their backs on me and betrayed me in some way. It was not a happy way to live, and has pushed and pulled at me right through my life. Last year, wanting it or not, some things happened that made it impossible for me to ignore what I needed any longer. I have had to work very hard to help myself and to be willing to get help for myself. I have had to change, and like it or not, it has been a difficult, yet positive thing.
I know that I needed that change, although I really have fought against it. I really struggle to get help for myself, to spend money on myself, to bare my soul, relive the hurt and overcome my past. I wish the remodeling of my soul was finished, but I know that I still have so very far to go.
I have told you before that I am a worrier. I think my past probably made me that way. It certainly made me strong in some ways, and weaker in others. I constantly struggle with self esteem and the cruel taskmaster jealousy. I feel like life is somehow a competition for love.
Living years with a man who constantly points out the good in my, has gone a long way toward healing the hurt that has always been a part of me. And, on the days when I just can't seem to get out of bed, he is supportive of that too. Maybe, the guilt comes from my own need to be better.
There is a scripture that I love, it is found in Doctrine and Covenants 121:7
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;"
When I was younger, it seemed as if the bad times in my life lasted practically forever. It still seems that way when I am going through a bad place, but this past couple of years have not dragged like the ones before. There have been things to learn and grow with. There have been so many parts of me to change. Time, as hard as it can be, also brings us joy.
My youngest daughter turned 16 yesterday, and I look back and remember as if it were a blink. Time has flown when I think of her. She brings me laughter and joy. When I work at changing my focus to the happy times, the bad ones don't have such a hold over my heart and do not seem to last as long.
I saw something on facebook yesterday, and it made so much sense to me.
Those who argue about whether the glass is half empty or half full are completely missing the point.
The glass is refillable.
That is life. It is not good or bad, it just is. There are half full joys and half empty trials, but the glass, the opportunity to live life to the fullest is refillable. And one of us (including me) can start today and change the ending of our own story. No matter what trials we have faced or what sins we have made, we can each one, take charge from here on out. Indeed, that is the only thing we have control of. Nothing I do will change the past, and nothing I do will change the decisions of others, but I can and I will make my own decisions to be joyful and happy.
I am worth that.
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