I needed this one today. I am a mom, and grandmom, who wants nothing more that to surround my children with perfection. I want to be there when they need me, I want to know the things I should say. I want to know the right thing to do in every situation. I want my children and grandchildren to never, ever have to endure some of the things that I have had to. In short, I want every single part of their lives to be better than the life that I have lived.
It is so very difficult to watch your family have to endure the hard things. It is so very difficult to have them not listen or pay attention to my stories of the past. It is really awful to have them say, "It turned out alright for you, so I should be fine". I just never imagined the amount of excuses that I would hear for my family making the wrong decisions. I never, ever, imagined that they would still find a way for me to be responsible.
Life is hard. No matter how hard we try, Heavenly Father has given each of us our free agency. He never takes that away, even when exercising that free agency brings heartbreak to your own family and friends. We live in a world that not only wants everything, they want it right this minute. Heavenly Father doesn't work in this moment of time. Sometimes, He needs to wait until our experiences have grown. He needs to wait until the answer will make sense to us. He needs to wait until we are ready to listen.
It is hard to feel alone in the waiting. It is hard to feel imperfect in a world where you imagine perfection in ever corner. It really isn't there, but we imagine it anyway, and feel totally incompetent when we compare our broken selves to others in all their imagined perfected glory.
Funny thing about that though, not a single one of us are perfect. Not a single one of us are exactly where we imagined we would be. We are all broken. We all feel alone. We all sometimes feel unloved and unlovable. And that is even OK as long as we can keep in in perspective.
For the past few years, I have really had to struggle with hating another. I have had to just learn to breathe when I know her sins. It has made me angry to think that she still has a temple recommend and that the church does not even know what she has done to those around her. It is hard, because in her own mind, she is without sin, without fault, without blame. So she has been allowed to say anything she wants and slander anyone she dislikes. I would be nice if Heavenly Father would reach out an slap her upside the head. Seriously!!!
I know he doesn't though. He needs me to learn to forgive this one. He needs me to look beyond the moment and find a reason to love. He needs me to be more Christlike and forgiving. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but oh so very necessary. Heavenly Father does not tell us to forgive after others have forgiven us. He does not tell us to wait for and "I'm sorry". He does not tell us to wait for Karma or fate or anything else. He tells us that we need to forgive, and if we don't, the greater sin lies against us.
So I struggle daily in this desire to forgive. Sometimes, I even come close, but then something else will happen and it all goes straight out the window of my mind.
I am reminding myself that it is ok not to be perfect. That that will come with time and prayer and love. I am reminding myself that there are things that take a very long time to heal. It isn't easy (Oh how I wish it were), but it is doable. It will just take more time and effort than I ever imagined.
I am not perfect, but I can do this. One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Until at last the anger goes away and I can accept and love Heavenly Father's child for the reasons that He does.
Remind yourself that perfection does not come overnight, and might not even come in this life, but it will come. As I pray, and seek and search and find, it comes. One single moment at a time.