Easy to say, not so easy to do. I see my own weaknesses. They seem huge to me and so very overwhelming. They are not something that I want to keep, and yet I seem to hold tight to them like they are priceless heirlooms. Why is it so hard to let go of those things about myself that I don't even like? In my mind, I don't want to keep them. I want to turn them loose and let them go. I want to turn the over to Him.
Yet, I think there must be a part of me that clings to the old because they are familiar and even comfortable seeming. They are like well worn shoes. Not fashionable at all, but familiar and easy to wear. Maybe it is better the weakness that I know than to risk appearing even weaker with something that I have never tried.
All I know for sure is that it is so very hard to give them up to Him. I wonder if I own weakness like it is a part of my very self. I think I want to let it go. I think I am ready, but then, I am like a child and try and hide the weakness behind my back and hope He doesn't see.
Silly of me, He sees everything, but He leaves me to it and waits for me to let it go. I am learning that part of letting go is to put my trust in Him. To be willing to turn something loose, for something else that I can't see yet. It is to be ashamed, and be willing to not hide it anymore. I have a hard time with things that I am ashamed of. They haunt me like yesterdays that I can't quit having nightmares about.
Shame is something that is hard for all of us. It gets inside and doesn't let us go. We keep reliving and yearning for something that we never knew. But, the thing is, He already suffered for our shame. He already forgave us of the sins that we committed. He already knows all the reasons that we feel the shame. He knows, and He loves us anyway.
I haven't figured out why it is so hard to turn over my weaknesses. I know that He loves me, I know that He already knows all my secrets. I guess, I just don't want to see the disappointment in His eyes, or feel it in His actions. Heaven knows, I feel it all the time.
Part of this life is in learning to trust, to believe His words, to find the faith to go forward instead of back. It is to know that He will give you strength.
One of my favorite scriptures on the subject is found in the Book of Mormon.
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them” (Ether 12:27).
His grace is sufficient. What a marvelous promise to us. His grace. I can let go of weakness for His grace. I can let go of fear and shame. I can find my strengths through His grace. I can do all things through Him. It is enough and more. I am never alone.