The Quieter you Become

This one is for me today.  For those of you who know me, I am not very quiet at all.  I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to be a part of the world around me.  I like to always, always interact.  I think that I am afraid that if I am too quiet, I will miss something important, something big, something that I have never seen before.  Actually, I know in my mind, that it is probably better if I am quiet.   If I could stop and be calm, I just might observe more.  I might be able to be a part of the world around me. Instead of simply watching and wondering if I am good enough, I just might find out.   

There has been so much trauma in my life, so many times when I have been ignored and left alone.  More often, shunned or made fun of.   I just don't feel like I have the strength for that anymore.  For me, being quiet is a risk.  It is the risk that I might be overlooked.  It is the risk that I might be ignored.  It is a risk that I might become a shadow of my true self. 
Being quiet, is a learned ability for me.  It has been a chance of finding the joy in listening to someone else.  It also means not being so quick to defend myself before I know what is really being said, or even more important, what is really meant.  I somehow judge myself as not enough, no matter how hard I try.  It is easy to look back and think of what I should have done.  I get defensive because I really hate feeling like I have failed.  I am someone who probably over-analysis life.  I look hard at everything.  Believe me, if I have made a mistake, I have already been hard on myself for it.  I don't like being the reason why others don't participate or feel needed.
As I look and ponder on the above message, I feel the noise that surrounds me, the busyness of the day and night.  I feel my heart yearn for peace. 
Today, I want very much to just be still.......