What I learned - My Peace I leave with You

 

The Lord promised peace to His disciples

as He was about to leave them.

He has made the same promise to us.

 

This was an address given by President Henry B. Eyring.  I loved the sweet promise of peace.  "My message tonight is a simple one. We have all felt peace tonight. All of us would like to feel such peace often within ourselves, in our families, and with the people around us. The Lord promised peace to His disciples as He was about to leave them. He has made the same promise to us. But He said that He would give peace in His way, not in the world’s way. He described His way of sending peace:

“But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:26–27)."

 

I loved this entire talk.  He reminded us again and again that the Holy Ghost is a comforter, but often the comfort that he brings is done in the Lord's way and not in the way we might expect or think we need.  Often, we serve to fulfill the needs of others.  We become truly His messengers as we seek to follow Him.  We are guided to those who need the comfort of the atonement and of the Savior in their lives. 

He talked about charity and what it really means.  Basically, it is the pure love of Christ.  I think it means to truly serve others without expecting anything in return.  It is in serving that we learn to love.  It is in nourishing those whose lives are filled with sorrow, that we learn to become more like Him.  I love that he Holy Ghost affects what we see when we look at others and also what we think. 

It is not about judging.  It is about loving each other as our Heavenly Father loves us.  May we each seek to hold that unity and love in our hearts. 

Wordless Wednesday - Happiness

 

 

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Happiness is not a goal

 

This was a different way of looking at things for me.  When I think of being happy, I tend to think of it as something I will be in the future.  After the kids are grown, after the bills are paid, after this trial is over.  I don't usually look at it as something happening right this minute.  In ways I don't always understand, we are all chasing a dream.  We all want to be happy, and even more important, we all want to be happy right this minute.

This simple quote made me think for a moment.  What if happiness really isn't the goal?  What if it is supposed to be something that we all experience along the way.  There are times when I have been incredibly happy.  When I felt really good about what was going on in my life.  There have also been times when I have been caught up in depression and despair.  Times when happiness seems to be completely out of my reach, and when I am absolutely sure it will never come to pass. 

What makes the difference between those two extremes?  I would have to say that it is my own state of mind.  It is how I am experiencing the world around me right at this moment.  It is what I am focusing on, what I am hearing, who I am being.  The difference is within myself.  It is looking at whether the glass is half full, or half empty.  It is realizing that it is the same glass and it has water to drink just waiting for me to partake.

So, if happiness isn't the goal, what prevents me from being happy all the time?  What is stopping me from experiencing joy right now in my individual journey?   That is an answer I am pondering and studying.  It is the question that I really want to know.  With all the trials in my life, I am pretty sure that they are not over yet.  So, there is going to be more times of anxiety for me to go through.  I would really like to change the anxiety into at least a few times of happiness.  I would like happiness not to be something I am chasing, but something that is happening right now, inside myself. 

Perhaps it is a matter of realizing that happiness isn't the same thing as "fun".  Happiness isn't necessarily laughing and giggling throughout the day.  I believe that happiness is that calm, peaceful feeling you get when you know you are doing the right things for the right reasons.  Happiness for me, involves faith and trust.  It is in knowing that everything will work out just the way it is supposed to.  It is the peacefulness that I feel after a trial has passed and I have survived.  Happiness, is a state of being. 

 

 

Language most Foul

I had a terrible experience with this one today.  I had a customer come in and call me so many horrible names that it was just, well, insulting, as well as unnerving.  I don't think I have been called so many names since I was a child.  It flipped me back to the hurt girl that I used to be.  I am pretty sure I didn't even respond correctly. 
I am not someone that swears.  I used to could say that my children never heard me say a swear word, but I went through a time a while back that changed that.  I do know that it was a very hard habit to break.  It took a lot of perseverance and thinking about my words to change it.  I made me pause before I replied. 
That being said, I have never said the words that I was attacked with.  People who think words don't hurt, have never lived a life where they had to be afraid.  The words have always come, either before or during, abuse.  So for me, the words pack a little bit of a punch. 
It impacted every single one of us at work, and had the rest of the customers standing against the wall while this not gentleman engaged in a tirade. 
I was embarrassed for him as well as myself.  Number one, he doesn't know me if he thinks those words even begin to describe the person that I am.  Number two, well, his vocabulary is a little bit lacking.  Definitely on the side of baser things.  How terrible it must be if that is the only way he knows of to get his point across. 
So, just in case you wondered, a little swearing doesn't make me feel bad.  I get it that people are trying to make a point and sometimes a swear word feel better.  But, calling people names, especially the baser ones is not by any stretch of the imagination appropriate.  It is not kind.  It is not accurate.  It is not true.  And probably, the most important thing of all, it is not even necessary. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings - Afflictions

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all."  —Psalms 34:19

Seven Steps to Happiness

Happiness can feel so elusive at times, especially when you are going through something that hurts your heart.  Something that you never imagined you would ever be faced with.  I know that the Lord wants us to have joy, even in the times of trial.  He wants us to find happiness within ourselves and through the service that we provide to others.  Those others can, and often do, involve our families. 
It is easy for me to focus so much on the trial, that I forget to see the things around me that are indeed joys.  I found this little quote on the internet.  (What would we do without technology!!) and I really like it.  It reminds me that I can do something about the way I feel, even if it is only small.  I can make a different choice. 
The first time one of my grandchildren spent the night, he was a little nervous about it.  His mom never let him stay overnight anywhere and Grammys house was no exception.  We had a lot of fun.  We went sledding, we bounced on the trampoline, we fed the chickens and made dinner.  But when it came time for bed, he got a little bit teary eyed.  I let him call his mom to wish her a good night, and in a very quavering voice he said, "I think maybe I should have made a different choice".  He was not quite ready to leave the comfort of home. 
He slept over and had more fun the next day and by the time he went home he was fine.  He had a wonderful weekend, and he forgot about "the choice".  He remembered the fun time that he had with his brother and the things that they had done together. 
It is easy for us to focus so much on our sorrow of the moment, that we forget to find the joy that surrounds us.   Every single attitude in our life is a choice.  If I can just remember that when I am feeling a little on the less side, I will be able to find the more. 

John 16:22 And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you.

Tip Toe if you Must

 

It can be so hard to change direction in mid-stride.  It is hard to change, it is hard to start over and it is hard to learn something in a new way that you have never done before.  I am trying to learn something totally new to me.  I suffer from anxiety and depression.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem so bad, and my head thinks about stopping the medication that I am on.  I feel like I should be able to handle this life on my own.  After all, I don't have any more problems than other people have in their own lives.  I even know people whose problems seem worse.  Then I feel guilty for allowing myself to wallow in this place.

For me, this life has been very much about taking baby steps.  One moment at a time.  I take a step, I breath.  I take another step and breath some more.  I pull and stretch and reach toward something that resembles sanity, only to be yanked back like a spring from memories and voices in my mind. 

We all have things that have happened to us in life.  Things that we hope never to have happen to another living soul.  Things that we struggle with and try to overcome.  My problem, is that it isn't the physical acts that have the tight grip on me, it is the voices that I hear continually in my head.  The ones that tell me I am a failure.  The ones that say I will never be good enough.  The ones that call me names like Sadsack and Frog and Ugly and Slow and Stupid.  So many names that I can't even write them all down. 

Yet, when I am really struggling with something in my life, it is not the actions that pull me away, it is the names.  It is the voices in my head that continually remind me of my faults and failings.  The more things go wrong, the louder those voices yell in my memories.  They sound as if they are right, even when I know they are wrong. 

So, today, my step in the right direction is simply to put aside the name calling in my brain and recognize that I AM HIS.  He doesn't tell me those things.  He never would.  I am going to try harder to listen to His voice and less to the voices that don't matter at all.  Today I am choosing to open up my heart to His love and tiptoe right into His arms. 

Today, I am going to take that step.   

 

What I learned - Certain Women

 

Certain women are disciples centered in the Savior

Jesus Christ and have hope through the promise

of His atoning sacrifice.

 

"Our sisters across the ages have demonstrated the faithful pattern of discipleship that we too strive for. “The New Testament includes accounts of [certain] women, named and unnamed, who exercised faith in Jesus Christ [and in His Atonement], learned and lived His teachings, and testified of His ministry, miracles, and majesty. These women became exemplary disciples and important witnesses in the work of salvation.” 

Consider these accounts in the book of Luke. First, during the Savior’s ministry:

“And it came to pass … that [Jesus] went throughout every city and village, preaching and shewing the glad tidings of the kingdom of God: and the twelve were with him,

“And certain women, … Mary called Magdalene, … and Joanna … , and Susanna, and many others, which ministered unto him.”²

Next, following His Resurrection:

“And certain women … which were early at the sepulcher".  “… When they found not his body, they came, saying, that they had … seen a vision of angels, which said that he was alive. 

How did I miss these passages about "certain women"  How did I not know of their importance and their faith?  I have read these scriptures several times, and until now, I never noticed.  The Lord does acknowledge His followers.  He may want to have spared their names, but I am sure that the people of that time knew exactly of whom he was speaking. 

Consider these synonyms of one meaning of the word certain as connected to faithful, certain women: “convinced,” “positive,” “confident,” “firm,” “definite,” “assured,” and “dependable.” Oh how I want to be numbered with them.  Oh how I want to help others to find His light and love and truth. 

"Sisters, when we have become distracted, doubtful, discouraged, sinful, sorrowful, or soul-stretched, may we accept the Lord’s invitation to drink of His living water, as did the certain woman at the well, inviting others to do the same as we bear our own certain witness: “Is not this the Christ?”  My favorite part of the talk is the following quote:

When life seems unfair, as it must have seemed to Martha at the death of her brother—when we experience the heartaches of loneliness, infertility, loss of loved ones, missing opportunities for marriage and family, broken homes, debilitating depression, physical or mental illness, stifling stress, anxiety, addiction, financial hardship, or a plethora of other possibilities—may we remember Martha and declare our similar certain witness: “But I know … [and] I believe that thou art the Christ, the Son of God.”  A "certain woman" is one who is a believer in spite of the trials she is given.  She raises about herself to serve those around her.  She is kind and compassionate and understanding.  May prayer is that we may all strive to be "certain women" in the eyes of the Lord. 

Wordless Wednesday - Joy

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Sweet and Simple

 

Newsflash:  Life is not made up of going from one big thing to another.  It is made up of going from small things with as much grace and dignity as we can muster.  Sometimes, I am dragged from something, sometimes I can skip and jump away, but really life is the memories of the small seemingly innocent moments that we live. 

 Today I want to remember:

The smell of a new baby's hair and skin as you count every one of their fingers and toes to make sure they are there.

The day I got married.  After all the hoopla, it was really just about the two of us, forever.  I wish I could have learned that so much sooner!

The smell of rain on the flowers and earth in the spring.

The sound of waves crashing on the shore.

The bugle of an Elk.

My baby's first steps.

My baby's first word.

The way it felt to rock them even when they were a little bit older.

The fierce love in my heart for every single one of them.

The joy of accomplishment.

The little arms that go tight around me neck and exclaim "I need to hold you!".

My point is that there are hundreds and even thousands of little things that are the real reason for going on.  Don't let that one big disappointment stand in your way.  Don't let the discouragement of a single moment pull you away from reality. 

Remember the little things and breath them in.

 

Take One, Please

Do you need one of these today?  I have often thought about putting this on my quote board at work for people.  Life can be so stressful and sometimes the stress just goes to my face and does something ugly!  For some reason, this month has been one of the worst.  I find myself feeling so unlovable and so very unworthy to be loved.  I also find myself flipping a switch in my mind to the difficulties of the past.  And so, when I look at this, I think how much easier it would be if we could just smile at each other a little more often. 

In my role in customer service, I see the best and the worst in people.  The best is so good.  It uplifts my heart and makes the day easier to get through.  The worst is so bad sometimes that I become a 12 year old child in my mind, and I don't deal with it well at all. 

I just need to find a place where I can breath.  It amazes how truly badly people can behave when they want their way.  It continues to surprise me, when they yell and throw tantrums like giant two year olds.  I wish I could say it only happens once in a great while, but surprisingly, it happens way too often.  Nearly everyday, I have to resolve someone's crisis that they made and now has become my emergency.  The hardest thing for me is that there are no apologies or kindness from those people.  Just aggravation. 

So today, I am smiling through it all.  No matter what happens, I am going to keep myself grounded in the things I know.

"You is kind

You is smart

You is important!"

Sabbath Day Scribblings - Hope maketh me not ashamed

Romans 5:3-5

3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

The Face of God

One of my very favorite musicals is Les Miserables.  I love it for the story and the teachings that it provides.  I have seen the movie, the musical and read the book.  It is an amazing story of mistakes, judgments and forgiveness.  This is a line from one of my favorite songs in the musical.  It is sang at the finale with so much compassion and love.  This is the story of a man who steals to feed his sisters children, who is given 20 years in prison for stealing a loaf of bread.  Who escapes and starts a new life when a priest changes the life he was living and gives him the chance to be an honest man. 

For me, it is a story about life and the mistakes we all make, and the judgments we all pass on others without knowing their story.  Sometimes we become so involved in justice, there is no room for mercy.  I believe that mercy doesn't take the place of justice, when we act, we are also choosing our consequences and sometimes those are most grievous to bear.  But I also believe that true change can take place in anyone of us and that our past should not hold us back from the possibilities of the future. 

There is not a single one of us that hasn't made mistakes, and if we could only see others as God sees them, I think we would behold all the difference. 

What if your blessings?

Today I am sharing with you one of my all time favorite songs.  It has really touched my heart and I hope it touches yours as well.  Feel free to google it to hear the music that goes with it.  Someday, I think I would love the sing it. 


What if your blessings come through raindrops?
by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel you near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if each promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this hearts,
That this is not, this is not our home…

What if my greatest disappointments,
Or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy.
What if trials of this life,
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise?

What I learned - The Beauty of Holiness

“Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name:
bring an offering, and come before him:
worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.”

This talk was given by Carol F. McConkie, 
First councilor in the Young Women General Presidency

She used one of my favorite bible stories.  It is the story of Mary and Martha, and I often feel like I am Martha when I should be Mary! 

When Martha received Jesus Christ into her home, she felt a tremendous desire to serve the Lord to the best of her ability. Her sister, Mary, chose to sit “at Jesus’ feet” and to hear His word. When Martha felt burdened about serving without any help, she complained, “Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone?”

I love the words of the most gentle rebuke that I can imagine. With perfect love and infinite compassion, the Savior admonished:

“Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

“But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Sisters, if we would be holy, we must learn to sit at the feet of the Holy One of Israel and give time to holiness. Do we set aside the phone, the never-ending to-do list, and the cares of worldliness? Do we set aside our busy lives, if only for a short space of time to ponder and feast upon His words?  Prayer, study, and heeding the word of God invite His cleansing and healing love into our souls. We have to actually make time to be holy, We have to choose to have that sacred time with Him, that we may be filled with His sacred and sanctifying Spirit. Holiness isn't just a goal, it is a choice.  One each one of us must make as we seek Him in the world today.  Oh how my heart wants to sing the Hymn, More holiness give me.  I can't even think of the words without tears coming to my eyes and my heart yearning to be nearer to Him.

1. More holiness give me,
More strivings within,

More patience in suff'ring,
More sorrow for sin,
More faith in my Savior,
More sense of his care,
More joy in his service,
More purpose in prayer.

2. More gratitude give me,
More trust in the Lord,
More pride in his glory,
More hope in his word,
More tears for his sorrows,
More pain at his grief
More meekness in trial,
More praise for relief.

3. More purity give me,
More strength to o'ercome,
More freedom from earth-stains,
More longing for home.
More fit for the kingdom,
More used would I be.
More blessed and holy--
More, Savior, like thee.

Text and music: Philip Paul Bliss, 1838-1876

 

Wordless Wednesday - Our Very Own Walmart Baby

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

The Blessings Will Come

Deuteronomy 28:1-2
1 And it shall come to pass, if thou shalt hearken diligently unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe and to do all his commandments which I command thee this day, that the Lord thy God will set thee on high above all nations of the earth:

 2 And all these blessings shall come on thee, and overtake thee, if thou shalt hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God.

Sometimes, it feels like blessings are never going to come.  It is like my life is in the chaos of an endless winter.  I can't see the blessing that surround me because of the feeling of cold and snow that is so prevalent in my vision. 
I like this scripture because it reminds me that, just like spring, the blessings WILL come.  Not only will they come, but they will completely overtake me.  That is a pretty amazing promise. 
I am struggling with trusting the promises of the Lord.  That is a terrible place to be.  My heart knows His promises are sure, but my head keeps telling me "what if".  If only I could get my heart and my head in the same place, maybe I wouldn't worry quite so much. 
We each have things that are hard for us.  We all have differences and blessings.  I think that sometimes we focus so much on the perceived blessing of others, that we forget to find our own. 
So, since it is my head that has the problem, I am working on listing the blessing that I do have, and ignoring the ones that I think I want.  I know that as I focus on gratitude, my life will be more in tune with that I really have.  I also know, in ways that I don't yet understand, that my life is filled with blessings given from God. 
He has not left me out just because (for now), I cannot see. 

Sabbath Day Scribblings- Unnecessary Burden

JUDE 1:21-22

21 Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

22 And of some have compassion, making a difference:

Take joy in your trials

James 1:2-5

2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

This one is so very hard for me.  It is not that I don't want to be joyful, but sometimes I can't see myself out of the hole that I seem to be in.  You climb a mountain, only to find a bigger one waiting for you on the other side.  Sometimes, there really is joy, but often, my spirit only sees the difficulties. 
I can honestly say, that if I had to do it all over again, I would probably do most of the same things.  I might not wish those trials upon anyone else, but they have helped to mold me and shape me into the person that I am today.  If I changed those things, my question would be, would I somehow lose the essence of myself. 
I like the person that I have become most of the time.  I strive not to hurt others, I volunteer to help, I work hard at improving the lives of others.  I still do a lot wrong.  I don't want to sound perfect because I am not.  I still have days and hours where it takes every bit of my energy just to go to work, and when I come home, I can only fall into bed.  There is no strength left for anything else.  There are nights when I can't sleep.  There are times when the past reaches out and holds me tight in it's grip of "if only's and what if's".  Sometimes it gets overwhelming, yet when I look at the person I have become, I am grateful for my trials.  They gave me my strengths. 
I am not sure that I like working toward patience very much.  It always means more trials, but I would like to have patience in faith and understanding.  I would like to not need to know everything right this moment.  I would like to wait upon the Lord's time.  And so, although joy sometimes escapes me, I will look for it in all my temptations and short comings.  I believe that Heavenly Father sent us here to have joy.  He wants us to find that joy in the midst of whatever place we are in.  I don't believe that joy only comes in the life hereafter.  I think it is supposed to be for us, here, today.  
So today, I am going to find joy in the small moments.  In the things I don't want to take for granted.  Today, my cup will be full.    

What I learned - Trust in the Lord

 

In Proverbs 3:5–6, we read this counsel:

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

“In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy paths.”

 

Every six months, we have General Conference.  One of the sessions the week before is a session for the women in the church.  This was the first talk and was titled Trust in the Lord and lean not.  It was given by Bonnie H. Cordon who is the second councilor in the Primary general presidency.  I loved her entire talk, and couldn't help but ask myself if I am leaning away from the Savior. 

She first described what leaning means:   "In English the word lean has a connotation of physically listing or moving to one side. When we physically lean toward one side or another, we move off center, we are out of balance, and we tip. When we spiritually lean to our own understanding, we lean away from our Savior. If we lean, we are not centered; we are not balanced; we are not focused on Christ".

The words touched me and taught me.  I love that leaning means we are not centered, that we are off balance.  That very much describes some of what I am going through. 

She then suggested three ways in which we can increase our knowledge and trust of the Savior. 

 

1.  First, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we “feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do."

2.  Second, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him through prayer. What a blessing to be able to pray to our God! “Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart.”

3.  Third, we can come to know the Lord and trust Him as we serve others.

 

Three simple things, yet they can be so hard to do sometimes.  I struggle with finding the time necessary to do everything that I think I "should"  be doing.  Perhaps, I am just doing too many of the "Good Things" and not enough of the "Best Things".  Perhaps, it is time to go back to the basics and try just a little bit harder.  Instead of trying to leap, I need to do baby steps.  In stead of trying to do everything, I need to just focus on a few best things.  I need to work on trusting Him and little bit more and not leaning on myself quite so hard.   

Wordless Wednesday - Kansas City

 

A single photo 

– no words –

capturing a moment from our lives.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment

I want to pause, savor and remember.

A moment

that brings a smile to my lips, 

and joy to my heart.

Stop Worrrying

 

It is not easy for me to stop worrying.  I worry about everything:  Being late, being early, having money, not having enough money, work, school, the cars, the phone, the bills.  You name it, I have probably worried about it. 

It is sad to me to even try to think about how much of my life has been spent in worrying.  My stomach in knots, but brain whirling, my heart beating fast.  I think I may worry just a little too well!

Take this week for example; I have an 18 year old teen.  She is a really good girl.  However, she went to see a friend in Holbrook.  The road there is a good one, but there are way too many accidents along it late at night.  I planned on her being home by 9:00.  In reality, it was after 1:00 in the morning when she came in.  She did text, so it is not like I didn't know where she was or what was going one, but I couldn't sleep. 

Finally, after tossing and turning, I went out on the couch and watched a TV show.  I stayed up until she arrived home (safe at last!) and then was up for about 40 minutes later to get my anxiety under control.  Six hours of sleep later, and it was time to get up to start the Sabbath day. 

I was exhausted!  Then 6 hours of sleep Sunday night and back to work.  After a very long day (about 14 hours) I came home and finally went to sleep at 9:00 again, only to wake up at 3:00AM to worry and not go back to sleep.  I really have to find a way to stop this!!

Worry is not my friend. 

I know this quote is true, even if it is so hard for me to remember.  I have seen the Lord's hand in my life when things don't work out the way I always planned they would. 

I had so many dreams as a child.  Ones where I was a surgeon, or a rocket scientist, or an astronaut.  I dreamed things that did not come true.  Somehow, I never saw myself quite where I am today.  Yet in all my dreams, I could never have seen the blessings that I would be given instead.  I think that I am right where I need to be.  So, when plans don't work out, when the road is uphill, when everything and everyone seems to conspire against you, have faith.  I believe the Lord's plans for us are so much bigger than anything we could dare to dream. 

 

No Act of Kindness

 

Oh, how I love this one.  I love the way that it puts love and kindness together in one simple explanation.   I have come to learn in my life, that it is impossible to have real love without kindness; and the more kind we are to those around us, the greater our ability to love increases.  I have been growing and learning my entire life, and sometimes, kindness still eludes me.  It is easy enough to be kind when others are kind in return, it is so much harder when we are in the position of making a point, or needing information, or wanting control.  There is a part of me that is starting to see most unkindness as a means of control;  Over others, over our environment, even over life itself.

I may not be capable of, or even have the opportunity to do great things in my life, but I am capable of doing small things with great love in every aspect of the life I am living.  Even a smile can warm someone else's heart on a bad day.  Life is hard for every. single. one. of us.  Maybe at different times and different places, but it can still be very hard.  My new goal is to not make anyone else's life harder than it needs to be. 

When I think of great acts of love, I think of those who have dedicated their lives to healing the hurt of others.  I think of Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, Madam Curie, and there are so many others that I can't even begin to name them all.  But none of them did one thing for one day.  They spent hours, days, weeks, months and years in the service of people.  So acts of great love don't usually happen in one moment.  They are happening around us every day through the small acts of kindness done toward others. 

I want to reek of kindness in everything I do and every action I take.  I am tired of being hurt and angry.  I am tired of being depressed and anxious.  I am tired of worrying and stressing over the next good thing I need or want, or even that someone else needs or wants from me.  For too long, I try and be kind to those who are in and out of my life, but somehow I miss out on being kind to those who put up with me and love me in spite of myself.  They need to come first, not last.

I wonder why it is so hard to keep them in "first place" in all my doings?

So, I am going to keep trying to be a little kinder and a little gentler to those around me.  I am going to try and treat them the way that they deserve.  I am going to try not to give them the leftovers of life.  I am going to try to give them many small acts of kindness with great amounts of love thrown in.  I am going to remind them of what they really mean to me. 

 

 

    

    

Believe in Yourselves

How easy is it to get lost in this crazy, mixed up world that we live in?  There are so many voices competing for our attention, that the one inside ourselves gets rather lost in the shuffle.  Sometimes, it can be very hard to hear, and even harder to understand, just who we are.  I think, that there is a part of me, deep inside that really craves to be the same as everyone else.  Sometimes, I would like to be admired, or at least acknowledged for something, anything that is good.   There is a part of me that I am not proud of, that wants to be popular, or at least somewhat in demand.  I wish I did something well.  My house is a mess, my life is even messier, my mind is in total chaos and sometimes I don't know where I am going to find the energy to face tomorrow. 
The hardest voice to hear is the one deep inside yourself telling you that you are who you need to be.  That you are unique.  That you are enough.  That you are being you and that is Okay. 
That is the voice I struggle to hear.  That is the one that screams deep inside my heart and I am so busy trying to be someone that I am not, I can't hear the voice of who I really am.  I am surrounded by the should have, could haves and would haves of the world.  The real me, is drowned out in the crowd. 
I am learning that part of believing in myself has to come from being myself.  You can't believe in someone who is not real.  You can't believe yourself into what is false.  Part of accepting myself is to learn who I really am.  It is asking the hard questions.  The ones that are uncomfortable at times.  The ones that I don't want to know the answers too.  Part of believing in myself is putting aside the falsehoods and the insecurities and acknowledging the person that I really am.  It is finding that person and learning to love her anyway.  It is being myself in spite of everyone else.  It is believing in myself as well as being myself.  It is acknowledging my successes as well as my failures.  It is becoming whom I was always meant to be. 

I Am Not Perfect

I needed this one today.  I am a mom, and grandmom, who wants nothing more that to surround my children with perfection.  I want to be there when they need me, I want to know the things I should say.  I want to know the right thing to do in every situation.  I want my children and grandchildren to never, ever have to endure some of the things that I have had to.  In short, I want every single part of their lives to be better than the life that I have lived. 
It is so very difficult to watch your family have to endure the hard things.  It is so very difficult to have them not listen or pay attention to my stories of the past.  It is really awful to have them say, "It turned out alright for you, so I should be fine".  I just never imagined the amount of excuses that I would hear for my family making the wrong decisions.  I never, ever, imagined that they would still find a way for me to be responsible. 
Life is hard.  No matter how hard we try, Heavenly Father has given each of us our free agency.  He never takes that away, even when exercising that free agency brings heartbreak to your own family and friends.  We live in a world that not only wants everything, they want it right this minute.  Heavenly Father doesn't work in this moment of time.  Sometimes, He needs to wait until our experiences have grown.  He needs to wait until the answer will make sense to us.  He needs to wait until we are ready to listen. 
It is hard to feel alone in the waiting.  It is hard to feel imperfect in a world where you imagine perfection in ever corner.  It really isn't there, but we imagine it anyway, and feel totally incompetent when we compare our broken selves to others in all their imagined perfected glory. 
Funny thing about that though, not a single one of us are perfect.  Not a single one of us are exactly where we imagined we would be.  We are all broken.  We all feel alone.  We all sometimes feel unloved and unlovable.  And that is even OK as long as we can keep in in perspective. 
For the past few years, I have really had to struggle with hating another.  I have had to just learn to breathe when I know her sins.  It has made me angry to think that she still has a temple recommend and that the church does not even know what she has done to those around her.  It is hard, because in her own mind, she is without sin, without fault, without blame.  So she has been allowed to say anything she wants and slander anyone she dislikes.  I would be nice if Heavenly Father would reach out an slap her upside the head.  Seriously!!!
I know he doesn't though.  He needs me to learn to forgive this one.  He needs me to look beyond the moment and find a reason to love.  He needs me to be more Christlike and forgiving.  It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but oh so very necessary.  Heavenly Father does not tell us to forgive after others have forgiven us.  He does not tell us to wait for and "I'm sorry".  He does not tell us to wait for Karma or fate or anything else.  He tells us that we need to forgive, and if we don't, the greater sin lies against us. 
So I struggle daily in this desire to forgive.  Sometimes, I even come close, but then something else will happen and it all goes straight out the window of my mind. 
I am reminding myself that it is ok not to be perfect.  That that will come with time and prayer and love.  I am reminding myself that there are things that take a very long time to heal.  It isn't easy (Oh how I wish it were), but it is doable.  It will just take more time and effort than I ever imagined. 
I am not perfect, but I can do this.  One moment at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  Until at last the anger goes away and I can accept and love Heavenly Father's child for the reasons that He does. 
Remind yourself that perfection does not come overnight, and might not even come in this life, but it will come.  As I pray, and seek and search and find, it comes.  One single moment at a time. 

We all go through stuff

I needed this laugh today.  It reminds me that every single one of us have problems and difficulties.  What might have me overwhelmed and completely underwater, might be just a puddle for you.  None of us are alike.  And, just because I handle my stuff differently than you do, doesn't make either one of us weak or unfaithful. 

I had an experience several years ago that I remember.  I was really struggling with depression.  (sometimes I think that struggle is pretty much never-ending)!   One of the people that I worked with expressed criticism that I could profess to be a woman of faith, and yet not seem to have to faith to view my own world differently.  It was pretty devastating at the time, as I really do try and strengthen my faith every chance I get.  However, I have learned that the amount of faith you have, does not destroy depression and discouragement.  Sometimes it can help you through the process a little bit faster, but it does not destroy it. 
I really have wished and prayed and studied, hoping that somehow faith would overcome this thorn in my side, but the answers have been slow in coming.  This is something that I have struggled with all my life.  As much as I wish I could put it aside, I have learned that it is constantly with me.  Having faith, does not and never has lessoned the depression.  Having faith, gives me the strength to push through even when my head can't see the way.  It gives me the chance to overcome my fears and my nightmares.  It doesn't change the problem, but it does change me. 
We can't judge anyone else by our standards.  What may seem as naught to you, might be a huge gap to me.  What might take all my strength to walk across, might just take you a hop and a skip.  I have learned that my problems are not worse than yours, and yours are not necessarily worse than mine.  Our problems just are.  They are a result of our choices, others choices, or just something that life has given us to endure.  As we struggle through them, we will find the blessings.  Maybe not quite how we imagined, but they will be there. 
I believe that I have a loving Father in Heaven who has not left me here to be alone in my trials, but rather has sent those along the way to give me the courage to keep marching on.  I believe that we all go through "stuff", and that stuff gives us purpose, compassion and understanding.  Sometimes, okay, oftentimes, it is very hard, but still it can be done.  We can get through anything as long as we know that He has us by the hand and does not let go.  We can walk on through Him.  We can make it because of Him.  In our trials, We can become His. 

Every Single Scar

I have felt his way for a very long time.  There are things in my life that I could wish away!  But when I really stop and think about it, all those things have led me to this place right here that I am living. 
One of the most important things I have learned about trials, is that the Lord never gives us a trial without also providing a blessing for us.  Often the blessing is not noticed for a time, but that does not negate the fact that it is there.  I do not believe that God causes bad things to happen to us.  I do believe that things happen for one of three reasons:

1. Our own sins.
2.  The sins of others.
3.  It is part of living our lives.

Yes, I like to simplify things.  But it helps me in the long run to NOT blame God. 
Sometimes, we suffer because of our own choices.  Driving and texting and getting in an accident is one way.  I know of people that it has taken nearly a year to heal from injuries received while texting and driving.  That is a lot of consequences to be faced with, for anyone. 
Sometimes we suffer because of the choices of others, jealousy, hate, envy and even murder all can be the cause of crimes against us that were not our fault.  I don't believe the Lord causes anyone to murder or be violent.  Nor do I believe the "devil made them do it".  Rather it is the consequences of a very bad choice on their part that leads to a very bad outcome for someone else. 
We also suffer because it is life.  We get sick, we get hurt, we have disease.  I have depression and anxiety, no because of anything that I have done to myself, but because it is life and that is how I cope with it.  It doesn't mean I have to like it.  It does mean that I need to know my own limits.  Something that I am realllllly trying to learn.

I am grateful for my scars.  I am glad they are over and that I am not still going through them, but they truly have made me into the woman I am today.  Many of them have given me the courage to fight for others.  I have become independent and strong.  I expect a lot of myself.  I work hard. 
There are also things that I have learned that I wish I could unlearn.  So, I am working on those.  You really CAN teach an old dog new tricks!  For me, I want to learn to play.  I am trying to do more games with my family.  I am not a game person.  Life has taught me to be serious more than silly and that is not the type of Grandmother that I want to be.  So, I am trying to learn and grow in other ways. 
We can all have gratitude for the lives that we are given and the people in our lives that help us to become our best selves.  I am not sure that I have to be grateful to those who have hurt me or the ones that I love, but I can work my hardest on forgiveness and trust that in the end, somehow in ways I don't understand, we will all be made whole.