It can be so hard to change direction in mid-stride. It is hard to change, it is hard to start over and it is hard to learn something in a new way that you have never done before. I am trying to learn something totally new to me. I suffer from anxiety and depression. Sometimes, it doesn't seem so bad, and my head thinks about stopping the medication that I am on. I feel like I should be able to handle this life on my own. After all, I don't have any more problems than other people have in their own lives. I even know people whose problems seem worse. Then I feel guilty for allowing myself to wallow in this place.
For me, this life has been very much about taking baby steps. One moment at a time. I take a step, I breath. I take another step and breath some more. I pull and stretch and reach toward something that resembles sanity, only to be yanked back like a spring from memories and voices in my mind.
We all have things that have happened to us in life. Things that we hope never to have happen to another living soul. Things that we struggle with and try to overcome. My problem, is that it isn't the physical acts that have the tight grip on me, it is the voices that I hear continually in my head. The ones that tell me I am a failure. The ones that say I will never be good enough. The ones that call me names like Sadsack and Frog and Ugly and Slow and Stupid. So many names that I can't even write them all down.
Yet, when I am really struggling with something in my life, it is not the actions that pull me away, it is the names. It is the voices in my head that continually remind me of my faults and failings. The more things go wrong, the louder those voices yell in my memories. They sound as if they are right, even when I know they are wrong.
So, today, my step in the right direction is simply to put aside the name calling in my brain and recognize that I AM HIS. He doesn't tell me those things. He never would. I am going to try harder to listen to His voice and less to the voices that don't matter at all. Today I am choosing to open up my heart to His love and tiptoe right into His arms.
Today, I am going to take that step.