Oh yes, today this one is for me. I struggle with this. Once, quite a few years ago, I was struggling in my personal life, and someone at work asked me how I could profess to have faith, and then still be depressed and filled with anxiety. Of course, that statement rather ruined my day, but later on, caused me to look really hard at faith in general, and especially my own faith.
I do have faith, often times, lots of it. But sometimes, it seems as if I struggle to exercise that faith when things go wrong. I have a hard time putting aside worry, and a harder time putting aside the hurt. I can look back at things and really be okay with the way they turned out. To the point that I can accept those times in my life as the things that have helped to make me who I am today. But when I am in the midst of trials, I have a much harder time maintaining the faith that everything will work out for the best, no matter what that might be.
I have decided that it doesn't matter what others think about my faith. As hard as it is, faith is personal, between me and my Savior. What those around me perceive is not nearly as important. I also know that I am blessed, often in unmentionable ways. I know that my Savior lives, that He loves me and that He knows me personally. He knows my name and my heart.
I also know that I am not perfect. But I do strive to get a little better each day. I am truly working on having the faith to be okay no matter how things turn out in my life. There is good and bad for each one of us. Sometimes the most difficult parts of the journey are the ones that bring us the greatest lessons to learn, and eventually, even great joy. So, although I can't always say that I am okay right this minute, if you give me a little time to think about it, I will, in time, admit to being okay with the way things have turned out.
Maybe, before the end of this crazy life I am living, I will reach the point where I can shrug it off, and move on. I don't know everything, but I do know enough to keep in going in the direction that I am moving in. I know that I am a daughter of God. I know enough to believe. I know enough to hold fast. I know enough to desire to become.