isn't just about how much
you can handle
before you break;
It's also about
how much you must handle
after you've broken.
I know that it has been a long time since I have written here. There has been a lot going on in my life. I am learning that life has a way of knocking us down when we least expect it. I am learning that it is OK to be broken. It is OK to not be able to handle everything by myself. It is even OK to break down every once in a while and take time off from things I love.
I always thought I was strong. Heaven only knows that I have had so many challenges in my life. But this past few years has shown me how very difficult life can be. I keep having to face the same things that I faced as a child in different ways. The things that I already thought I had handled and dealt with have come back in surprisingly, new ways. It has really been difficult to figure out exactly what I am supposed to learn (again) from all of this.
I still don't know. I don't know what I have control of anymore. I am trying to learn to just let it go. I am trying to understand that I don't have to do it alone. That I am not strong enough to do it on my own. I am learning that God does often, give us more than we can handle, but he never gives us more than HE can handle. In my brokenness, I am learning to lean just a little more on Him and a lot less on me. Maybe that is the message that I needed.
I am also learning that we are all broken in some way. Not a single one of us are perfect. We go to church, not because we are better than anyone else, but because we know we are broken and we need Him to help us find our way. He gave us the wonderful gift of the atonement so that we would be able to come home to Him, none of us, not a single one, could do that on our own.
In my study, I am learning that the atonement covers so much more than our sins. It also covers our grief, our despair, our depression, our anxiety, our pain. He suffered for each of us individually. He really knows my name. He knows exactly who I am and what I need most, even if it is not clear to me.
In my weakness, I am learning more about His Holiness, His forgiveness, and especially His great love.