Afflictions

"Some people feel guilty about their anxieties 

and regard them as a defect of faith 

but they are afflictions, not sins.  

Like all afflictions, they are, if we can 

so take them, our share in the 

passion of Christ". C. S. Lewis

I love C. S. Lewis.  He has such an amazing way of phrasing things.  I suffer from Depression and Anxiety.  I have for many years now.  At times in my life, it doesn't see too bad and I am able to deal with the difficulties that I face.  At others, it can be overwhelming.  I have always regarded those illnesses as something to be guilty of, something to be ashamed of.  Somehow, it is my fault that I can't trust enough or get through my trials on my own. 

One of the times when I was struggling, a friend became angry with me because of my depression and told me that I profess to have faith, yet I can't trust God that He will take care of these things.  If I really had faith, than I would not allow depression to have a place in my life.  This was so difficult for me to hear.  I want to have trust, I want to believe that it is all in His hands, but I can't help worrying about it.  I can't let go of those things that bring me the most anguish.  

Sometimes, I feel like I am two people.  One person has so many blessings and so much to be happy about, and the other person has so many things to worry about.  Those two people inside of me keep me busy trying to find my center.  Sometimes things don't make sense, but I keep trying.  

I have learned that depression is not a sin.  It is an affliction that I live with.  The same way someone else might live with diabetes or heart disease.  It is just something that I am learning to overcome.  I have learned that there are things that help, and my choice comes in choosing to be helped rather than choosing to try it on my own.  I use as many natural things as I can, but I also use medication and that works for me.  

I am learning to be happy and healthy and calm.  I am learning that He does help me, even if I am not always aware of that help.  I am learning to accept and be happy.  And that feels so amazing.