Wednesday, August 30, 2017
What is Mine, God?
I am so very tired. Sometimes, it feels as if it will take every bit of my energy to take just one more step. I am overwhelmed and burdened down. Often, I am not even sure why. There is just so much going on and it takes every fiber of my being to just endure and step forward.
As I struggle, I can't help but wonder just how much of what I am taking upon myself is really mine, and how much belongs to someone else. There is a saying that I like that says: "Anxiety is when you care too much about everything. Depression is when you don't really care about anything. Having both is just like Hell".
Sometimes, I feel like a drop off zone. Someone has a problem, they come to me, and I just let them drop it onto my shoulders and I take care of it. It becomes my problem. It is a very hard habit to get out of. It is a difficult thing to do. Obviously, when I fail, it is spectacularly epic.
And yes, I fail often when I try and take on more than I can handle.
My goal is to separate myself from the need to fix everything for others and focus on what is mine to actually solve. That is a very tall order for me.
I have decided that the biggest gift I could give myself would be to put everything into the Lord's hands and trust Him to help me in my journey.
It sounds easy, right? It is not. I do not trust easily. I keep fighting to hold onto things that were never intended to be mine. I think I want the control so that I know it gets done.
However, my way is not the only way. I remember going rock climbing many years ago. I had to learn an entire new way of doing things. Even simple things, like hiking, take on new meaning when your goal is to reach a point to climb. And, oh my gosh, the repelling down for the first time is downright terrifying.
About 3/4 of the way up I mistakenly looked down to the ground that was far below. I was on belay, but did not trust the rope and sucked myself into the rock. I could not move. I was frozen in place. The people I was with had to wait until my hands gave out and I tumbled from the cliff.
The rope held, I had beautiful bruises and scrapes, and I kept climbing. I learned to trust my companions and the rope that kept us safe.
Faith is the rope, the Lord has each one of us on Belay. He will keep us safe. It doesn't mean we aren't tested and tried to our limits. It does me that we are really never alone.
Today, I will breathe and let go.