This one is for me today. For those of you who know me, I am not very quiet at all. I like to talk, I like to listen, I like to be a part of the world around me. I like to always, always interact. I think that I am afraid that if I am too quiet, I will miss something important, something big, something that I have never seen before. Actually, I know in my mind, that it is probably better if I am quiet. If I could stop and be calm, I just might observe more. I might be able to be a part of the world around me. Instead of simply watching and wondering if I am good enough, I just might find out.
There has been so much trauma in my life, so many times when I have been ignored and left alone. More often, shunned or made fun of. I just don't feel like I have the strength for that anymore. For me, being quiet is a risk. It is the risk that I might be overlooked. It is the risk that I might be ignored. It is a risk that I might become a shadow of my true self.
Being quiet, is a learned ability for me. It has been a chance of finding the joy in listening to someone else. It also means not being so quick to defend myself before I know what is really being said, or even more important, what is really meant. I somehow judge myself as not enough, no matter how hard I try. It is easy to look back and think of what I should have done. I get defensive because I really hate feeling like I have failed. I am someone who probably over-analysis life. I look hard at everything. Believe me, if I have made a mistake, I have already been hard on myself for it. I don't like being the reason why others don't participate or feel needed.
As I look and ponder on the above message, I feel the noise that surrounds me, the busyness of the day and night. I feel my heart yearn for peace.
Today, I want very much to just be still.......
Being quiet, is a learned ability for me. It has been a chance of finding the joy in listening to someone else. It also means not being so quick to defend myself before I know what is really being said, or even more important, what is really meant. I somehow judge myself as not enough, no matter how hard I try. It is easy to look back and think of what I should have done. I get defensive because I really hate feeling like I have failed. I am someone who probably over-analysis life. I look hard at everything. Believe me, if I have made a mistake, I have already been hard on myself for it. I don't like being the reason why others don't participate or feel needed.
As I look and ponder on the above message, I feel the noise that surrounds me, the busyness of the day and night. I feel my heart yearn for peace.
Today, I want very much to just be still.......
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